31 of the Best Jokes Ever Told

Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil worshiper?
31 of the Best Jokes Ever Told

There’s no shortage of jokes in the world, and whether you prefer intellectual humor, dirty puns or gags where three guys walk into a bar, there’s bound to be one out there that tickles you more than the rest. But because there’s such an abundance, it can be hard sifting through corny punchlines and overdone setups to find the cream of the crop. 

To make the process easier, Redditors got together and shared a variety of the best jokes they’ve ever heard, including this one:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said, “Watson, look up and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

“And what do you deduce from that, Watson?”

“Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life, perhaps like our own. What do you see, Holmes?”

“Watson, I see that somebody stole our tent.”

The rest of these jokes are sure to provide even bigger laughs, including ones about talking dogs, karmic meals and a very wet German guy.

hawtdawg619 . 3y ago Heard about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu: You get what you deserve. 4 ...
Robcobes 3y ago An elephant gets on the bus and sits beside a man. The man looks shocked and says wow! This is the first time I've seen an elephant ride the bus!. To which the elephant replies and it will be the last, tomorrow my moped will be back from the repairshop. 3 ...
LegalAssassin13 3y ago A robber breaks into a house. Не hears a voice call out watch out! Jesus is watching! Не looks, but doesn't see anyone. Не continues through the house and hears that voice again. Watch out! Jesus is watching! Не looks again, but sees no one. Не gets to the kitchen and there's the voice again. Watch out! Jesus is watching! This time, he sees a parrot in a cage. On the cage is the name Moses. The robber laughs. What kind of nut jobs would name a parrot Moses? Не asks. The parrot looks at him and
TheWorstlnvestor 3y ago A woman is walking her dog when suddenly the dog runs into a pond to chase some birds. The dog begins to drown and the lady begins panicking and screaming for help. Suddenly a German man jumps into the pond, rescues the dog and returns it to the lady. The German man tells the lady Please keep ze little doggy in a blanket until he has dried off The lady, beginning to calm down from the whole situation says thank you, thank you so much! Are you a vet? The German man replies VET? IM F#CKING SOAKING
Impressive-Bag-384 . 3y ago Bobby and Jack got their report cards from school and found they failed sex ed. Bobby told Jack, I'm so angry, I want to kick Ms. Williams in the nuts 1 ...
RepublicOfMoron 3y ago What's the difference between a woman in a bath and a woman in a church? Ones got a soul full of hope + 5 ...
 . 3y ago The other day while mowing, I came across an ancient sex stone. Also called a fucking rock 7 ...
Temporary_Quality_66 . 3y ago Jesus walks into a hotel and throws three nails on the counter and says  II Can you put me up for the night? 8 ...
TheReidman 3y ago What do you call a Frenchman who's into Japanese culture? A Ouiaboo. + 13 ...
 3y ago A young nun had the hots for the newly ordained parish priest. After weeks of trying to seduce him, the nun finally got her way with him. While they were in bed, she said: Why, Father, I never thought you'd have such a small organ. The priest replied: Why, Sister, I never expected to be playing in such a large cathedral. + 20 ...
R2D2sBallz 3y ago There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's BMW and pulled the horse out with it. The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse
KingGuy420 . 3y ago I played a blank CD at full blast last night, the mime next door was pissed. 20 ...
Blgxx 3y ago Piers Morgan fell into the River Thames and was drowning. I can't swim but I did see a sign that said 'In an emergency contact the Emergency Services'. Took me an hour to find a shop that sold envelopes and stamps. 25 ...
GhostLinz 3y ago What do you call a bear with no ears? A 'b'. 10 ...
canadianzonkeydick 3y ago A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar, and sit down together. When asked what he would like, the priest says a Virgin Harry, extra Virgin. When the minister is asked what he would like, he replies, a glass of water, with green olives The bartender asks the rabbit what he will have, and the rabbit replies, I'm not even supposed to be in this joke. Autocorrect put me here 16 ...
cyberjar88 . 3y ago Why doesn't Oedipus use foul language? Не kisses his mother with that mouth. + 16 ...
tenehemia 3y ago Three statisticians are out hunting in the woods. They spot a buck and crouch down. The first statistician takes aim with his rifle and fires and misses five meters to the right. The second statistician takes aim with his rifle and fires and misses five meters to the left. The third statistician exclaims, I got him! 23 ...
AiharaSisters - 3y ago Why don't blind people go skydiving? because it scares the hell out of the dog 36 ...
RifleShower 3y ago Edited 3y ago A guy walks into a restaurant and asks for a bowl of chili. The waitress says, Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl. Не looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. Не asks, Are you going to eat that chili? The other guy says, No. Help yourself. Не slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. Не looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes
Ashley9225 e 3y ago Grandma heads down to church for services. She gets there and asks a guy outside, Is Mass out? The guy replies, No, but your hat's on crooked. + 36 ...
match_ 3y ago Guy walks into a bar with a dog and proceeds to lay it on thick to the bartender. Не says my dog is so smart he can talk and for a free beer I will demonstrate . The bartender scowls, but draws a beer and gives it to the guy, ok, but this better be good! The guy turns to the dog and asks, what's the top of a house called? The dog barks back, woof And what's the top of your mouth called? Again the dog barks back? Woof The guy continues, and who's the best baseball
JscJake1 3y ago Why can't a T-Rex clap their hands? They're extinct. - 84 ...  3y ago When I tell this joke, I follow with why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? People guess because they're also extinct? Of course, the correct answer is because the P is silent 58 ...
earic23 3y ago Guy is checking out at the grocery store. Cashier is ringing him out and looking at his purchases as she does it. Personal pizza, hot dogs, mac n cheese, 6pk beer. Cashier: single huh Guy replies: yea how'd you know? Cashier: cuz you're so fucking ugly 116 ...
Youpunyhumans 3y ago There are 2 friends out hunting and they have a hunting accident and one man is laying on the ground motionless. The other man calls the doctor. Man: Doctor we just had a hunting accident! I think my friend is dead! Doc: Well are you sure he is dead? Man: Well, no. Doc: Make sure he is dead first. With that, the man puts down the phone for a moment, and the doctor hears a loud BANG beforw he comes back. Man: Ok, now what? 64 ...
AntiSentience . 3y ago Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? Не sold his soul to Santa. + 71 ...
jasonbagly 3y ago Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over. So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said Nope, it ain't Paddy. The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over. The
Shn00ple 3y ago A scientist was running a test and taught a cricket to jump on command. Не later cut off one of its legs and commanded it to jump and it did. Removed another and again, it jumped Cut off three more legs and asked it to jump, despite struggling, the cricket was able to jump. Не finally cuts off its last leg and asks it to jump Nothing Jump cricket jump! Still nothing. The scientist writes his conclusion After removing all the legs of a cricket, it becomes deaf 7 ...
banjowashisnamo 3y ago Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said, Watson. Look up, and tell me what you see. Watson replied, I see millions and millions of stars. And what do you deduce from that, Watson? Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there
 3y ago A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. Не gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. Не drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. Не sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. Не gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a
konydanza 3y ago A man is walking through the woods, and he finds a suitcase. Inside the suitcase, he finds a mother fox and her four cubs. Не immediately calls animal control to report the issue. Oh no that's terrible, says the animal control worker, are they moving? The man replies I dunno, but I guess that would explain the suitcase. + 196 ...
jpbmachine 3y ago Three vampires walked into a bar. The rich vampire asked for the finest blood, so the bartender served him a blood bag fresh from Red Cross. The mid-class vampire asked for glass of blood so the bartender gave him a stale blood from a dead corpse. The poor vampire asked for hot water.. I'm just gonna have some tea and pulled a bloody tampon. 1 ...

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