28 of People’s Favorite Quotes From Their Favorite Comedians

‘You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?’
28 of People’s Favorite Quotes From Their Favorite Comedians

Though comedians may hit the stage for laughs, fame and the chance to meet women who otherwise wouldn’t give them the time of day, a whole lot of insightful observations have come from some of the most hilarious stand-up sets. 

Just ask fans of the late George Carlin, a comedian who shared his thoughts on the lofty idea of achieving the American Dream. “They call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it,” he told audiences in what some have dubbed “the best three minutes of his career.”

But whether you dream of white picket fences or subscribe to the philosophical musings of Stephen Wright, these quotes provide both wisdom and hearty laughs — and in at least one case, that wisdom involves famous potatoes.

NotoriousREV 2y ago I'm not an adventurous person. I've only ever used 1 side of a cheese grater - James Acaster - 10K Share ...
SalveBrutus 2y ago Cocaine is gods way of saying you make too much money... Robin Williams 14K Share ...
Mysterious-Judge-333 2y ago I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. Mitch Hedberg. - 21K Share ...
biggoofydoofus 2y ago What is it like to have four kids? Imagine you are drowning, and then someone hands you a baby. Jim Gaffigan - 31K Share ...
ShofarDickSwordFight . 2y ago в Edited 2y ago Everybody thinks they're a comedian. Especially in my line of work. -- Norm Macdonald
Direct-Translator905 2y ago I remember quite a few of his routines by heart, but this one comes to mind first: Take Idaho's license plates - they say 'Famous Potatoes.' Then there's New Hampshire - their license plates say 'Live Free ... or DIE!!' | don't know, I think that somewhere between Famous Potatoes' and 'Live Free or Die' the truth lies. And I think it's closer to 'Famous Potatoes.' -- George Carlin - 2.4K Share ...
ActiveOppressor 2y ago When you are on fire, and running down the street, people will get out of your way. Richard Pryor 2.2K Share ... + 24 more replies
NecroJoe 2y ago I don't like country music, but | don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'. - Bob Newhart 24K Share ... + 83 more replies
seavisionburma 2y ago You can't have everything. Where would you put it? Steven Wright 3.1K Share ... + 60 more replies
ElvishMystical 2y ago You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States. - Spike Milligan - 8.9K Share ...
tenehemia 2y ago My brother in law is German. Не came to me and said 'l can't get a good bagel at home!' and I said, 'well whose fault is that?' - Emo Philips - 14K Share ...
toothlessinatardis 2y ago Of course science doesn't know everything. If it did, it would stop! - Dara O'Briain - 3.3K Share ... W
tucker_frump 2y ago | like plugging the drain when | take a shower. Then pretend I'm in a Sub that's been hit. Steven Wright~ - Share 5K ...
UnusualAsparagus5096 2y ago Make all guns legal.Make every bullet cost 5 thousand dollars.That way when someone gets shot you know that mutherfucker deserved it.Chris Rock - Share 5.8K ... Kichigai 2y ago I'm gonna get a second job, and take out a loan, and then, then we're gonna see about that! 1.3K Share ...
buttheyrealltaken 2y ago Camping is a tradition in my family. Camping was a tradition in everyone's family until they invented the house! Jim Gaffigan 1.1K Share ...
dbrobinssdfsdfd 2y ago Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. - Sir Terry Pratchett. 950 Share ... + 5 more replies
dolce-ragazzo 2y ago Me and my wife can't have kids...not the way we do it -Jimmy Carr 2.1K Share ... + 27 more replies
ZorroMeansFox 2y ago Outside of a dog, a book is Man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -- Groucho Marx 1.3K Share ... + 9 more replies
 2y ago I'm telling my husband you said | was a cunt! Не knows. -Ron White Share 3.9K ...
MehhicoPerth 2y ago Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather. Bill Hicks. Another Dead Hero. 3.3K Share ...
heckhammer 2y ago I know I'm getting older, my last birthday cake looked like a prarie fire!- Rodney Dangerfield - 996 Share ...
MTBadtoss 2y ago Every guy has a crazy girlfriend story. Why don't women have crazy men stories? Because if you have a crazy boyfriend, you gon die - Donald Glover - 5.4K Share ...
Batousghost 2y ago Richard Belzer talking about Reagan : We have a cowboy actor from Hollywood as President, and I'm supposed to sleep at night without drugs? 1.9K Share ... + 12 more replies
slamo614 e 2y ago Dogs are always in the push-up position. -Mitch Hedberg 1.4K Share ... + 3 more replies
NecroJoe 2y ago One time I was...no, wait, that wasn't me. - Steven Wright Share 1.1K ... + 13 more replies
Mdotlorin13 2y ago This is not the roast of Pete Davidson's father. That was in 2001. - Jimmy Carr - 1.1K Share ...
Thick_Entertainer_68 2y ago They call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it. -George Carlin Share 594 ...
BackSeatGremlin 2y ago I'm impulsive, but I'm also quite indecisive. | don't know what | want, but | know that I want it now. Dylan Moran - 9.4K Share ...

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