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35 Classic Toys That Would Give Santa a Migraine

It’s crazy that somebody at some point thought kids would love these

35 Classic Toys That Would Give Santa a Migraine

August 05, 2024

We all know that Santa’s elves pump out a lot of toys. So some duds are bound to slip through the cracks. The problem is, many of these duds are utterly terrifying and/or downright deadly.

They don’t seem like accidents either. Some little elves thought these were great ideas, and North Pole Quality Control seemed to agree. Santa’s got some firing to do.

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35

CRACKED.COM FORAGES 5 & OVER BOGLINS OUTRAGEOUS CREATURES THAT COME ALIVE IN YOUR HANDS! Flesh-like texture Eyes that move Looks like aborted troll fetus ONLY! DON'T POKE WARE: GERSTHROUGH BARS! 20 years of nightmares NDLE THROUGH BOTTO MATTEL DWORK — Source

34

Collected Olé! Fun: Reinforcing Ethnic Stereotypes SPANISH While Glamorizing Barbie Animal Cruelty. 20 MINI DOK not been CRACKED COM — Source

33

CRACKED.COM $10 RÉBATE Rollerblade Barbie had skates that light up... Barbie Rollerblade Skates flicker'a Bash! Because they were basically lighters. — Source

32

Well, GI Joe is We need an selling like idea for a hotcakes... new toy! GIJOE + FOOD FIGHTERS CRACKED.COM — Source

31

In 1992 we saw our fun loving pal Michelangelo turn into an angry mexican stereotype. In an effort to pack even more racism into the Wacky Wild West line, Playmates included Chief Leo. CRACKED.COM — Source

30

IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMEONE ROBS A 7-ELEVEN WITH MEGATRON CRACKED.COM — Source

29

THE VeRMONT TEDDY BeAR COMPANY SELLS A FIFTY SHADES OF GREY TEDDY BeAR. Actual text from the website: Want to leave her biting her lip with excitement? Send a gift that will dominate the rest. It comes with a mask and handcuffs. CRACKED.COM http://www.vermantteddybear.com/sellgroup/fifty-shades-of-grey-bear.aspx? — Source

28

THIS IS THE HARRY POTTER NIMBUS 2000 VIBRATING BROOM. Sadly, they're no longer sold. It's a dick- shaped toy that vibrates when children stick it between their legs. (actual photo from Amazon) Actual Amazon review: When my 12 year old daughter asked for this for her birthday, I kind of wondered if she was too old for it, but she seems to LOVE it. Her friends love it too! They play for hours in her bedroom with this great toy. They really seem to like the special effects it offers (the sound effects and vibrating). My oldest daughter (17) really — Source

27

THE PUNISHER SHAPE- SHIFTER IS so GLAD TO SEE YOU. In the interest of full disclosure, we should note that he's pictured mid-transformation, at left. He's actually meant to shoot darts out of his ass. CRACKED.COM http//www.collector-actionfigues com/dash/universe/catalog_item/AF-382048/ — Source

26

PARENTS RECENTLY PETITIONED TOYS R US TO PULL THE BREAKING BAD ACTION FIGURES FROM THEIR SHELVES. A WARNING: Ages CHOKING HAZARD The Walter White 15+ BEW - figure comes with a 35 gun, a bag of cash, and Br eaking 56 a baggie full of meth*. Bad TOY FAIR NY 14 EXCLUSIVE 100 Not actual meth. an actual gun or actual cash Walter White Figura Toys R Us no longer sells them. CRACKED.COM — Source

25

THIS CANDY TREAT LETS YOU FRENCH-KISS JAR JAR BINKS. doo I CANDY Binks JOY ARE FOR COMM I I PISODE WARS STAR - We're assuming it tastes like thinly-veiled racism. CRACKED.COM — Source

24

Lucky Dora the Explorer fans could buy this limited edition Aquapet in 2006. Aquapets are similar to Tamagotchis, with buttons for interacting with a virtual pet floating in a tube full of water. They vibrate, sing, and respond to sound. CRACKED.COM http://www.ubergizmo.com/2006/11/dora-aquapet-hits-amazon/ — Source

23

PINKY LEE MEDICINE CHEST BAND-10 - - IVORY Free Pinky Lee TOY medicine CHORIGNED.COM THE GOOD HABIT TOY Learn Pinky Lee's secret shames, then refill all the good prescriptions. — Source

22

MY PUPPY PUDDLES POMPER ROOM My Puppy PUDDLES Squeeze PUDDLES' collar & make him drink his water. Sit him on his training troy. My Puppy PUDDLES only puddles where he oughtal CRACKED.COM My Puppy PUDDLES only puddles in N training trou. Ranked number one among toys with bladder infections. — Source

21

FUN WITH STICKS FUN with AGES 81014 crafts of whiting M emotion - - STICKS 2 EXCITING PROJECTS Here are two wonderful projects! A cute little dog house, and picnic table and bench set. Complete mate- rials include pre-cut cardboard, sticks, adhesive, and easy to follow instruc- tions CRACKED.COM UNASSEMBLED Throw 'em. Chew 'em. Stick 'em in your eye. — Source

20

Product Recalls Midge doll In 2002, Walmart stopped selling the Mattel Happy Family set, which had a pregnant Midge doll wearing a it's a girlf pink skirt and a removable stomach with a baby inside. Mom loves newbo baby ppy famil Mom & Baby CRACKED — Source

19

Product Recalls Aqua Dots/ Bindeez Beads A toy called Aqua Dots in the U.S. and Bindeez Beads in Australia was recalled after it was found to be contaminated with a chemical that can turn into a dangerous drug. Three children in Australia had to be hospitalized. THEMED THEMEO NE CHEMED AHEMED THEMED FIRST POLI QUA OOTS OUA OOTS AQUA OOTS AQUA OOTS AQUA OOTS COUESTO POOT PAIS GING adidas YESMAH CCEAN adidas I I I MADICADA AMICIAL ECTE HIS WITH FOOD WATE MARITALTY MADE POLICE FRAX I Edite KIN WITH I - MISTARY Class CITY DESIGNED com Or - MAN | — Source

18

Product Recalls Sky Dancers In 2000, Galoob Toys Inc. recalled 8.9 million Sky Dancers flying dolls due to reports of 150 injuries, including eye injuries, broken teeth, a mild concussion, a broken rib, and facial lacerations. CRACKED — Source

17

Product Recalls CSI Fingerprint Examination Toy Kit The Asbestos Disease Awareness Organization did a study in 2007 and found out that the hit had asbestos in it. That's not something you want anywhere, let alone in a toy for kids, so the kit was recalled. AGES 10+ CSI: ADULT SUPERVISION RECOMMENDED WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD Jomal parts Mot for - - 3 years CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION WARNING: FINGERPRINT - - - - granos EXAMINATION KIT i E - USE FINDERPRINT BRUSH COLLECT TO BUST EXAMINE, REAL PRINTS D RECORD FINDERPRINTS WITH DRISSONS CSI TEAM CSI: un nar Done F 3 HANG CRIME — Source

16

THE MISSILES LAUNCHED BY THIS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA TOY ACTUALLY PROVED DEADLY TO KIDS. The launcher caused ripped intestines, eye injuries, and one death when a missile lodged in a child's esophagus. They were recalled in 1979. SCARAB CRACKED.COM http://resources.lawinfo.com/personal-injury/products-liability/ — Source

15

YOU CAN COLOR IN BARON HARKONNEN'S WEEPING PUSTULES IN THIS DUNE-THEMED ACTIVITY BOOK FOR KIDS. DUNE ACTIVITY BOOK - - Salary - - - Dune was a trippy sci-fi drama about space drugs, complicated galactic political intrigues and Sting in his underwear. CRACKED.COM http://oihouse.net/2011/03/franchised-goodies-for-the-children-of-dune/ — Source

14

CRACKED.COM IT'S A STRIPPER POLE! FOR PRETEENS! peekabo Pole Date This toy stripper pole, complete with a garter and money to stuff into it, could be found in 2006 in the British grocery store chain Tesco. They denied the pole was marketed to children, despite the fact that it was exhibited in the toy section and advertised boo I i I as suitable for 11-year-olds. — Source

13

CRACKED.COM OREO BARBIE DIDN'T LAST LONG ON THE SHELVES. Oreo Barbie, born in 1997 from a cross-promotional partnership between Mattel and Nabisco, came in both white and black versions. You can tell every person involved was white because nobody knew that MA Oreo is a derogatory OREO term in the African American community for a black person who is ORE white on the inside. — Source

12

HUB nerfu DON'T DENY IT. 20 Fahr zun CRACKED COM elen YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO PLAY WITH THE PLAGUES OF EGYPT. on PLAGUES und Berfin Todes fb befohl áuger ment, de borgen anben If anything is ripe to be captured in soft, cuddly animal form, it's surely the Lord's mighty wrath being visited upon Pharaoh and his people. Now your child can enjoy locusts, boils, dead firstborns, and other such fun! — Source

11

CRACKED COM WHAT'S CUDDLIER THAN A BABY? A PREMATURE BABY! In a misguided attempt at... well, something, Coleco released preemie Cabbage Patch Kids in the 1980s. The preemies were smaller and had less hair that the regular dolls. Not included were the incubator and tubes required to keep real prematures babies alive, as that could have made them less adorable. — Source

10

CRACKED COM BABY PRINCESS DIANA WILL HAUNT YOU. Ashton-Drake Galleries makes creepy realistic baby dolls for adults to treat like real infants. Not disturbing enough for you? How about a replica of a beloved dead princess when she was a baby? — Source

9

GRACKED.COM THIS TRICYCLE WAS THE MOST OBVIOUS RECALL EVER. The Disney Princess Plastic Racing Trike brings a fantasy kingdom close to your children. So close, in fact, they risk getting it impaled in their little skulls. One sudden stop is all it takes. To no one's surprise, this murdercycle was recalled in 2011. — Source

8

CRACKED COM GOD JESUS WILL ANSWER YOUR PRAYERS! GOD JESUS JUNY-YA SWOK / - HT Sorry you had to find out this way, but the deity many of you pray to is a Japanese robot made by Bandai in the '80s. It works like some kind of divine Magic 8-Ball, though, so you can rest assured your existential questions will all be answered. — Source

7

CRACKED COM YOU CAN GO HIKING WITH KARL MARX AND HIS FRIENDS! MOUNTAIN RESEARCH Japanese toy maker Mountain Research released a foursome of surveyors modeled after Karl Marx, Vladimir Lenin, Mao Zedong, and Henry David Thoreau. There's no indication as to why two Communist dictators, the philosopher who inspired them, and an unrelated poet guy are hiking mountain trails. — Source

6

CRACKED.COM BRATZ BABYZ SHOW YOU'RE NEVER TOO YOUNG TO BE A MINX. - in These dolls went through the whole process of being conceived, designed, pitched, approved, manufactured, and distributed, and apparently no one along the line thought of saying, You know, maybe we really shouldn't sexualize babies. — Source

5

CRACKED.COM IT TOOK DEAD CHILDREN TO BAN LAWN DARTS. Contains 4 JAVELIN DARTS 2 TARGET CIRCLES HASBRO JAVELIN DARTS If you're going, What the hell were they thinking to sell huge flying metal spikes to play with, V you're not alone. The U.S. banned them for good in the late '80s-but only after they had caused thousands of injuries (and a few deaths) over three decades. — Source

4

CRACKED.COM A BLACK PERSON AS A MONKEY? SOMEBODY SAID. ADORABLE! NO ONE WILL EVER OBJECT. A sock monkey representing Barack Obama was released by a Utah-based company during the '08 presidential race. Its makers claimed they never intended to upset anyone with their cute and cuddly monkey, somehow unaware that this is an old and tired racist caricature. — Source

3

WIND-UP FLOOR BUFFER GEE WHIZ, IT WORKS! Wind-up R por Buffer World's Smallest Wind и and Running Appliance polishers spin around Switch turns Authentic details it off and on Needs DO battery Contans SPICE FOR galoob Not recommended Pr chickenunder 3 CRACKED.COM Honey, when you're finished 'playing' in the kitchen, be a dear and do the foyer. — Source

2

KRIMSON TERROR the CONDERG ling CRACKED.COM KRIMSON TORROR PLANNIC MONSTER CONSTRUCTION KIT The make-your-own monster with the three-handed crotch. — Source

1

LAVERNE & SHIRLEY SECRETARY SET GACTION to - - United - 9 kg 79 HAUTHONY - You - Laverno TV SERIES Shirley TM secretary set - 12345638 ANIELEE Sof CRACKED.COM 1/11/11 AA ANDER UNC - SOLD - NY THAT MADE - NONG - KONO - Laverne and Shirley worked at a brewery, which would have made an infinitely more fun play set. — Source

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