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Back in our day, even play time could kill you

31 Toys From Your Youth That No Child Should Have Ever Been Allowed to Play With

March 04, 2024

You’re welcome, Gen Alpha. You may never fully appreciate it, but you’re not being hunted down and slaughtered by toys today because of our sacrifice. No, we’re not talking about the plot of Small Soldiers. We lost a lot of good men back there. Remember that the next time you pick up your round, baby rattle version of a “lawn dart.”

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LAVERNE & SHIRLEY SECRETARY SET GAITION to - - - I man 12 kg 79e HARRONY - You Laverno TV SERIES Shirley TM secretary set - 12345678 ANIZEEEE for CRACKED.COM 1/11/11 - - - AA UNE PERFORM - NOLLOS NY THAT MADE - NONG KONG Laverne and Shirley worked at a brewery, which would have made an infinitely more fun play set. — Source

30

KRIMSON TERROR the EDIDUERG line CRACKED.COM KRIMSON TORROR PLANNIC MONSTER CONSTRUCTION KIT The make-your-own monster with the three-handed crotch. — Source

29

WIND-UP FLOOR BUFFER GEE WHIZ, IT WORKS! Wind-up R por Buffer World's Smallest Wind и and Running Appliance polishers spin around Switch turns Authentic details it off and on Needs DO battery Control Since Ports galoob Not P chickenunder 3 CRACKED.COM Honey, when you're finished 'playing' in the kitchen, be a dear and do the foyer. — Source

28

CRACKED.COM A BLACK PERSON AS A MONKEY? SOMEBODY SAID. ADORABLE! NO ONE WILL EVER OBJECT. A sock monkey representing Barack Obama was released by a Utah-based company during the '08 presidential race. Its makers claimed they never intended to upset anyone with their cute and cuddly monkey, somehow unaware that this is an old and tired racist caricature. — Source

27

CRACKED.COM IT TOOK DEAD CHILDREN TO BAN LAWN DARTS. Contains 4 JAVELIN DARTS 2 TARGET CIRCLES HASBRO JAVELIN DARTS If you're going, What the hell were they thinking to sell huge flying metal spikes to play with, S you're not alone. The U.S. banned them for good in the late '80s-but only after they had caused thousands of injuries (and a few deaths) over three decades. — Source

26

CRACKED.COM BRATZ BABYZ SHOW YOU'RE NEVER TOO YOUNG TO BE A MINX. - in These dolls went through the whole process of being conceived, designed, pitched, approved, manufactured, and distributed, and apparently no one along the line thought of saying, You know, maybe we really shouldn't sexualize babies. — Source

25

CRACKED G COM YOU CAN GO HIKING WITH KARL MARX AND HIS FRIENDS! MOUNTAIN RESEARCH Japanese toy maker Mountain Research released a foursome of surveyors modeled after Karl Marx, Vladimir Lenin, Mao Zedong, and Henry David Thoreau. There's no indication as to why two Communist dictators, the philosopher who inspired them, and an unrelated poet guy are hiking mountain trails. — Source

24

CRACKED COM GOD JESUS WILL ANSWER YOUR PRAYERS! GOD JESUS - SWOK - - Sorry you had to find out this way, but the deity many of you pray to is a Japanese robot made by Bandai in the '80s. It works like some kind of divine Magic 8-Ball, though, SO you can rest assured your existential questions will all be answered. — Source

23

CRACKED.COM APRIL O'NEIL WILL SHOW YOU A GOOD TIME. Hey, do you remember that episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles where April was a streetwalker? Neither do we, but that didn't stop Playmates Toys from releasing this Ravishing Reporter action figure, complete with detachable skirt. — Source

22

Toy Recalls

CRACKED.COM THIS TRICYCLE WAS THE MOST OBVIOUS RECALL EVER. The Disney Princess Plastic Racing Trike brings a fantasy kingdom close to your children. So close, in fact, they risk getting it impaled in their little skulls. One sudden stop is all it takes. To no one's surprise, this murdercycle was recalled in 2011. — Source

21

CRACKED COM BABY PRINCESS DIANA WILL HAUNT YOU. Ashton-Drake Galleries makes creepy realistic baby dolls for adults to treat like real infants. Not disturbing enough for you? How about a replica of a beloved dead princess when she was a baby? — Source

20

CRACKED COM WHAT'S CUDDLIER THAN A BABY? A PREMATURE BABY! In a misguided attempt at... well, something, Coleco released preemie Cabbage Patch Kids in the 1980s. The preemies were smaller and had less hair that the regular dolls. Not included were the incubator and tubes required to keep real prematures babies alive, as that could have made them less adorable. — Source

19

НИ gerfa DON'T DENY IT. 20 Fahrt sun CRACKED COM elen YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO PLAY WITH THE PLAGUES OF EGYPT. on und PLAGUES Berfin Codes, fb befoble áußer ment, de eborgen anbend If anything is ripe to be captured in soft, cuddly animal form, it's surely the Lord's mighty wrath being visited upon Pharaoh and his people. Now your child can enjoy locusts, boils, dead firstborns, and other such fun! — Source

18

CRACKED.COM OREO BARBIE DIDN'T LAST LONG ON THE SHELVES. Oreo Barbie, born in 1997 from a cross-promotional partnership between Mattel and Nabisco, came in both white and black versions. You can tell every person involved was white because nobody knew that MA Oreo is a derogatory OREO term in the African American community for a black person who is ORE white on the inside. — Source

17

CRACKED.COM IT'S A STRIPPER POLE! FOR PRETEENS! peekabo Pole Date This toy stripper pole, complete with a garter and money to stuff into it, could be found in 2006 in the British grocery store chain Tesco. They denied the pole was marketed to children, despite the fact that it was exhibited in the - toy section and advertised boo I I as suitable for 11-year-olds. — Source

16

YOU CAN COLOR IN BARON HARKONNEN'S WEEPING PUSTULES IN THIS DUNE-THEMED ACTIVITY BOOK FOR KIDS. DUNE ACTIVITY BOOK I - - - - Dune was a trippy sci-fi drama about space drugs, complicated galactic political intrigues and Sting in his underwear. CRACKED.COM http://oihouse.net/2011/03/franchised-goodies-for-the-children-of-dune/ — Source

15

THE MISSILES LAUNCHED BY THIS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA TOY ACTUALLY PROVED DEADLY TO KIDS. The launcher caused ripped intestines, eye injuries, and one death when a missile lodged in a child's esophagus. They were recalled in 1979. SCARAB CRACKED.COM http://resources.lawinfo.com/personal-injury/products-liability/ — Source

14

THE PUNISHER SHAPE- SHIFTER IS so GLAD TO SEE YOU. In the interest of full disclosure, we should note that he's pictured mid-transformation, at left. He's actually meant to shoot darts out of his ass. CRACKED.COM http://www.collector-actionfigures com/dash/universe/catalog_item/AF-382048/ — Source

13

31 Toys From Your Youth That No Child Should Have Ever Been Allowed to Play With — Source

12

31 Toys From Your Youth That No Child Should Have Ever Been Allowed to Play With — Source

11

THIS IS THE HARRY POTTER NIMBUS 2000 VIBRATING BROOM. Sadly, they're no longer sold. It's a dick- shaped toy that vibrates when children stick it between their legs. (actual photo from Amazon) Actual Amazon review: When my 12 year old daughter asked for this for her birthday, I kind of wondered if she was too old for it, but she seems to LOVE it. Her friends love it too! They play for hours in her bedroom with this great toy. They really seem to like the special effects it offers (the sound effects and vibrating). My oldest daughter (17) really — Source

10

THE VERMONT TEDDY BeAR COMPANY SELLS A FIFTY SHADES OF GREY TEDDY BeAR. Actual text from the website: Want to leave her biting her lip with excitement? Send a gift that will dominate the rest. It comes with a mask and handcuffs. CRACKED.COM http://www.vermontteddybear.com/seligroup/fifty-shades-of-grey-bear.aspx? — Source

9

PARENTS RECENTLY PETITIONED TOYS R US TO PULL THE BREAKING BAD ACTION FIGURES FROM THEIR SHELVES. WARNING: Ages CHOKING HAZARD The Walter White 15+ MY didas figure comes with a 35 gun, a bag of cash, and Br eaking 56 a baggie full of meth*. Bad TOY FAIR NY 14 EXCLUSIVE Not actual meth. an actual gun or actual cash Walter White Collection Figure Toys R Us no longer sells them. CRACKED.COM — Source

8

FIST FACES YOUR FIST BECOMES A REAL FACE MOVES S-WIGGLES N TWITCHES CONTAINS: WIG-1KERCHIEF F4 FACES Fist Faces FUNNY FACE TOY 4 FACES - WIS - KERCHIEF MOUTH COLOR FOR HOURS OF PLAY E FUN CRACKED.COM REMCO The second most fun you can have playing with your fist. — Source

7

CHEST WIG THE FOR THAT MACHO SELF ADHESIVE LOOK! CHEST WIG CRACKED.COM MADE IN ENGLAND Stick that thatch anywhere you want to jumpstart puberty. — Source

6

BUTCHER PLAYSET GRACKED.COM The trouble started when Jeffrey asked if we could pretend to disembowl a hog. — Source

5

ATOMIC ENERGY LAB GILBERT physics - ... ATOMIC ENERGY LAB PERFORME DMIN 150 - بهد - - - - - - . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - available - - - - Epecting! Safe! - GILBERT VALL DE SCIENCE .... CRACKED.COM SILBERT CLOUD CHAMPIER Did the Atomic Energy Lab come with actual uranium? Why, yes. Yes, it did. — Source

4

WAYNE FOUNDATION - BATMAN'S WAYNE OVER 40 INCHES TALL INCLUDES ONLY: -SSTORY BUILDING FOUNDATION WITH PENTHOUSE WORKING FIAT ELEVATOR TROPHY CASE COMPUTER CONSOLE WITH . CHAIRS CONP ESENCE TABLE WITH SCREEN AND 2 CHAIRS BOOKCASE WITH SECRET HIDING COMPARTMENT CRACKED.COM M Because the most fun part of playing Batman is making grants to deserving 501c3 organizations. — Source

3

SINKING OF THE TITANIC GAME The sinking of the TITANIC game TITANIC CRACKED.COM IDEAL The game you play as the ship goes down... then face the perli of the open sea! ADES MONICA REQUIRED The sounds of people drowning are something that I can not describe to you... it's the most dreadful sound. -Eva Hart, Titanic survivor — Source

2

SIXFINGER SIXFINGE THE MOST AMAZING TOY EVERY IT LOOKS LIKE A FINGER BUT IT DOES ALL THIS: CRACKED.COM 1.SHOOTS CAP BOMB GOS g : - f - - 3 نية I I For Party - - - - to - - It looks like a finger? Sure, if fingers had testicles. — Source

1

POPEYE METAL TAPPING SET CARLTON DANK METAL TAPPING POPEYE SET ARF! ARF! COMPLETE with - CRACKED.COM DECORATIVE FRAMES for BOYS A GIRLS TAPPING TOOLS AGES INSTRUCTIONS 4to 8 Why create art with paint and paper when you can chisel it into a sharp sliver of tin? — Source

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