34 Rules That Parents Never Thought They’d Have to Create

‘No machetes on the trampoline’
34 Rules That Parents Never Thought They’d Have to Create

No one is ever 100 percent ready for parenthood. After all, most of it involves adjusting your expectations and thinking on your feet. But even knowing that, there are things that will still take you by surprise. For instance, no parent expects to make a rule like “No machetes on the trampoline,” or “No licking the bus,” which was later amended to “No licking your hand, then touching the bus and licking your hand,” after a child clearly found a loophole in the legislation. 

The flabbergasted parents of Reddit have recounted the wildest rules they’ve had to institute for their wild children, and if you’re expecting, you might want to grab a pen. 

dressinbrass 0 8y ago No political commentary at school My son is 7. 469 ...
 8y ago Не is 3. No pinning down your five month old sister and spitting in her mouth. 32 ...
macguy9 8y ago Newest one: You always have to wear clothes outside. Nothing gets you a visit from Child Protective Services faster than a naked kid running down the sidewalk with parent in hot pursuit. FML 33 ...
The_Devil_Memnoch 8y ago Sigh... our house has a don't poop in heating vents rule. Double sigh... We had to add don't pee in the heating vents either after they were all screwed down. 67 ...
Cablesixback 8y ago 'No snorting instant mashed potatoes' 'You must wear pants when guests are over' 'Do not put pillows in your tuba before concerts' followed shortly by 'please breathe when playing the tuba so you don't pass out (again)' Do not pee on the house. Or the tree. 49 ...
1anglen1 . 8y ago No filling sleeping people mouth with cookies, nearly killed a uncle taking a nap. 45 ...
tas253 8y ago As of yesterday, no running around the house with your feet covered in yogurt. 35 ...
TheMightyTater 8y ago No waterboarding your brother in the bathtub. I haven't tried it myself, but apparently to a 3 and 4 year old, it's a game, not torture. 34 ...
madmoran . 8y ago No cats put in laundry chute. Regardless if they like it. 99 ...
JohnnyBrillcream 8y ago My parents: No more throwing cheese into the ceiling fan. 136 ...
kangarooninjadonuts 8y ago No flicking the hamster's enormous nuts. Seriously, why are they so big? 4.6K ...
fiddlemonkey 8y ago You have to stay on the toilet until you are completely finished, even if you have something you really, really want to tell someone right now. If you are on the toilet, and someone else urgently needs it, Just let me finish my chapter! is not an acceptable response. No changing the words of songs just because you know it will make your sister cry. 6K ...
anditshottoo 8y ago No rollerblading INSIDE the apartment. Like really? You thought that was a good idea? 417 ...
karylyn17 . 8y ago Don't sit in the toilet. When you're done going potty, call for mom or wipe yourself and get up. Don't slowly sink down into the toilet 12K ...
Graytis . 8y ago It's been a while, but no Pop Tarts in the VCR was one I hadn't anticipated. 427 ...
weejobby ОР . 8y ago My own example of this would be while on holiday my brother had to bring in a rule of no crossbows to be fired in a moving car 3.6K ...
yoteachcaniborrowpen 0 8y ago No sticking your food between your toes. Seriously, stop holding your damn carrots between your toes and then eating them. 1.5K ...
pewdiepiemyguy69 8y ago dont call the neighbours gnomes, especially to their faces hummus isnt a replacement for milk on cereal stop trying to dig up the dog, i dont care if its for 'science' 1.2K ...
fractiousrhubarb 8y ago No machetes on the trampoline 1.9K ...
FerusGrim 8y ago My son has a thing for nipples. He's always playing with them. Mommy's nipples, Daddy's nipples, complete strangers (to him)'s nipples. He's 3. 751 ...
thedarknewt74 . 8y ago Don't empty 50 quids worth of change down the toilet 982 ...
Ransom_Rabbit в 8y ago Do not write on the side of the car with a rock. Seriously. I have seen pictures of kids who did that, but..man. At least she wrote I love you. 5.8K ...
earnedmystripes . 8y ago After the 2nd ceiling fan replacement, no full golf swings in your room. 1K ...
 8y ago There shall be no slapping of your penis against the shower curtain You can not make this up. Every time he went to take a shower all I heard was thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop.
nanadirat . 8y ago No daring your little brothers to eat cat poop. No eating cat poop on a dare. 4.7K ...
wdh662 8y ago Do not eat the dog food from the dog dish like a dog. Also do not take off your pants, bend over and spread your cheeks and show people your bum. 9.4K ...
cjejack . 8y ago Stop licking the kittens. 3.7K ...
hdawg187 8y ago Easy. I have 2 sons. One is 7 and one is 3. I had to enforce a rule for the 3 year old called 'no headbutting at the dinner table'. NO HEADBUTTING AT THE DINNER TABLE. For fuck's sake. The 7 year old is so gentle and timid and the 3 year old is an absolute psycho with zero fear. I'm not sure if it's a youngest child thing or he's just mental. 9.3K ...
 8y ago No licking the bus. No licking your hand then touching the bus then licking your hand. No licking your hand, touching the bus, then putting your finger in mamas ear. No licking mamas hand. No licking mamas ear. In fact if we could just put a moratorium on licking things that would be super. He's not quite two. Не licks. + 5.3K ...
Unicorncuddletime . 8y ago Another one...no farting when you're sick. Kids thought it was safe to fart and they kept shitting their pants. Like..multiple times. 3.7K ...
bigben74 . 8y ago butter. No crayons in the 3.9K ...
WasteOSpacerator9000 a 8y ago No putting yourself in timeout. FFS why are you crying and sitting on the bottom step of th stairs? Just let yourself out of timeout! 746 ...
Karma_Cookie 8y ago Do not spray sunscreen in the toaster oven, do not pour a whole bottle of dish liquid in the toilet. Lastly do not pour cooking oil all over the kitchen floor so you can slide around in it. 2.1K ...
SleevieNicks . 8y ago . Edited 8y ago No licking the parrot and no putting her head inside your mouth and calling it a vacation. My kid is so weird!!!

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