44 of the Funniest Burns from the Week of May 13, 2024

They definitely need a more accurate name for it
44 of the Funniest Burns from the Week of May 13, 2024

Earlier this week, Uber held its annual showcase to share its latest product updates. New innovations included Uber Caregiver, Uber One for Students and Costco for Uber, which makes the wholesale retailer available for customers who don’t have a membership. 

The strangest addition, though, was Uber Shuttle. The feature, which starts in select cities this summer, will provide riders with an affordable way to get to and from the airport and sports venues on a vehicle that will seat between 14 and 55 passengers. As one Twitter user aptly pointed out, the new feature described something most people are already quite familiar with: the bus.

Luckily for Uber, their needless innovation wasn’t the only thing getting torched this week. Other digital burn victims who found a spot on the express bus to Roast City included the boy who lived and got new girls, the documentary that could’ve been a YouTube video and, as always, the Cybertruck.

robyn (derogatory) @typicallyr... 1d ... she ate that one thing Stop going for people over 30!! You're not my dad Delivered Neither are they leave those men alone!!! 44 2,909 52.1K del 1M
King Kyle @kyleskiki 19h ... This has me dyinggggggg iMessage Today 7:56 AM u do hair ? how you get my # on ig What page da hair page so do I do hair? Read 8:36 AN nvm I sound slow 102 1,279 14.3K 469K
ali segel @OnlineAlison 13h I realized why Jojo Siwa scares me and it's bc she has magician energy 18 204 3,461 du 156K
jár @jarodzsz- 14h ... Ray Teer RT we're all talking about you YAYYYYYY Ray Teer in a NEGATIVE WAY RT oh 1 849 12.1K 323K
Mike Beauvais @MikeBeauvais 1d ... TORONTO - Adam Driver in Megapolis looks like an EVERYDADI early 2000s NBA second-round pick from the Balkans who won a ring playing 12 minutes a night on the Spurs. 46 383 5,951 del 274K
maddy @theIoglady 1d ... mesmerizing is such an interesting way to say shit from a butt Pop Tungs Pop Tingz @ThePopTingz. 1d delivers a mesmerizing acoustic take on Sabrina Carpenter's 'Espresso'. XM AI A T дла 0:28 59 707 19.6K 1.2M
gill @contactabrother -1 18h ... managers be like damn i gotta sit on my ass again today 13 1,466 11.5K 365K
Red da Redz @shes_rADIAnt-17h ... #lisence Ms.strategic- Dime does it 20h A bachelor's degree is like a drivers lisence. Everybody has them. 157 6,755 70.6K 3.2M
vinegar critic @vinegar_critic • . 4h ... boston accent slipped out in chicago last night and got told that i i can't be having that accent here 5 98 2,488 53.3K
lil bruh @fitfuljest. 1d ... they should invent an academic advisor who isn't a fucking moron 48 2,933 30.4K 687K
@DeleuzeSuletta. 1d britain is so fucked they now receive weekly death omens for the whole country Holly 1d the bloodied horses that rampaged through london 2 weeks ago and the king charles slaughterhouse floor portrait are related. I don't know how yet but they are 84 7,585 75.3K 1.3M
dope and chill @Luluthirteen 20h ... you're not autistic you're just white and annoying 86 3,078 20.7K del 914K
re: emma @evemmore 6h being a celebrity is so scary because sometimes stella mccartney will show up to give you the ugliest fucking design you ever saw and you have to be like oh thanks ORD Olivia Rodrigo Daily @DailyRodrigo . 1 1d Stella Mccartney hand-delivers a custom Fabella bag to Olivia after a #GUTSWorldTourLondon show! A handmade icon for an icon in the making C Olivia 53 1.4K 36K 1.4M
marioka @LeaMaric 1d ... You named your daughter... Tess Stickle??? 7,043 likes kellyhavensohio Meet Theresa Havens Stickle. Our little firecracker daughter burst wildly into the outside world 3 weeks early on Wednesday, May 1. After... more 237 4.8K 94K 4.2M
Ryan @ryanphanna 1d The shuttles will have between 14 and 55 seats You mean... a bus?! PIC BUS 4950 USD WiFi clean-energy bus ILL-ELECTRIC BUS 4950 Rde his lects bus Save the planet. Zero - missions Super quiet. CLASTING CNBC CNBC @CNBC.2d Uber announces shuttle rides, features for caregivers and Costco perks cnbc.com/2024/05/15/ube... 1K 25 9.9K 252K
Austin @adoptedhighway 1d FRANCE freeze citizen i am the defender of this walgreens Tom Valentino @TomValentinoo - 4 4d It's amazing that people just stand around and do nothing!! C 0:20 3.1K 2.1M 127 84K
louisa @stabfreeman - 2 2d ok but like. i can see their vision with this casting. she gives park attendant FUPDATES Film Updates @FilmUpdates - 2 2d Ella Purnell has been cast in Craig Roberts' killer squirrel comedy-horror 'The Scurry' She will play a park attendant who must use her unique skills and strength to survive a band of killer squirrels. (screendaily.com/news/ella-purn...) 3 4.8K 93K 114
Tw!nkle @HazelEyez552 1d I know I.T. came down to her desk like K @843KT 2d just failed a Phishing test at work cause the email was offering a uber eats coupon 71 5.9K 32K 2.2M
tendollar @tendollardanny 1d pov: you're about to experience the worst depressive episode of your entire life I am paradoxical @poptwats. 2d Realizing life is literally just what U make of it ................ 138 19K 150K del 3.9M
Mike Beauvais @MikeBeauvais • 7h TORONTO When you wake up to hear one of the world's best golfers EVERYBRE has been arrested after a traffic stop went awry. Tiger, no! What? Sorry, force of habit. 5 540 10K 480K
Le Ciné Le Cinéphiles @LeCinephiles 1d he's gonna be stuck with a pirate voice for the next 5 years The Hollywood Handle @HollywoodHandle - dd Austin Butler is reportedly being eyed to star in Disney's upcoming 'PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN' film. (Via: @TheDislnsider) 137 6.2K 137K 4.2M
lissi al gaib @sumbitches. 1d I bet this shit hits so hard if you're stupid EthicalScam @EthicalScamMe Ad ... ETHICAL MCMS The same boiling water that makes an egg turn hard will make a potato soft. You need to dictate your environment and don't let the environment dictate you. ethicalscam.me 358 4.4K 61K 2.4M
Grizzlam @grizzzlam 2d ... if Abe Lincoln was a coke dealer at the U of Miami YUFFS Google NBA PLAYO Pixel Presented by Google Pixel DI e Pixel NBA Google P P App YOFFS PLAYO Pixel by Google Pixel 120 2.6K 33K 2M
We gon make it @Harpersisland_ 2d This is the type of people ya be arguing with on here, what type of dumb shit is this Slim Co @slim_ma97.2d I can't be the only one who used to break this part of the cord so it can fit in the sockets 314 13K 116K 4.3M
faith @faithnation . 21h no presidential debates just this and a stopwatch 50 ZIP IT to 725K 26 2.7K 35K
Joe Tilleli @sorrywrongjoe 1d This topic warrants a youtube video essay at best DF DiscussingFilm @DiscussingFilm - 1d First trailer for a documentary about the rise & fall of MoviePass. Releasing May 29 on HBO. 23 moviepass 1:39 22 871 27K 729K
Tashi Duncan @tyleronline_ 23h so many white tyler perry movies lately 4F DiscussingFilm @DiscussingFilm 1d First trailer for 'IT ENDS WITH US', starring Blake Lively & Justin Baldoni. In theaters on August 9. 2 x 2:23 22 896 276K 8.1K
sydney @mornings0da 17h ... Harry Potter pulls an unrealistically low number of bitches considering his exorbitant fortune and worldwide fame 196 3.5K 68K 2.7M
Louis Virtel @louisvirtel. 1 19h ... Megalopolis sounds like Liza Minnelli trying to remember a dinosaur name 10 239 2.8K 144K
jay Y2K ERA @blythtism 2d this homophobic deer looks like mike faist GZ @GalaxyZeinz.2d manifesting your downfall , , gay boy . 2.6K 44 51K 1.6M
jeremy @jeremylovesyall. 1d if i could see furiosa a week early but i had to see it from this angle, i'd just wait a week tbh Karsten @RunquistKarsten-1 1d 3 hours of sleep, dehydrated, locked in for furiosa 44 1,288 44K 1.4M
flargo @sorkincel. 1d She's probably fucked a 23 year old since you posted this Moff @Moff_Unplugged - 1d Anyone wanna tell her? Olivia 41  Stepping back into the dating world after 18 years of marriage feels like embarking on a thrilling adventure! I'm eager to rediscover myself, explore new hobbies and embrace my newfound freedom! 545 2,914 116K 6.4M
Jesse @MuskTillDawn 1d Checking to make sure they're both alright before laughing for 11 uninterrupted minutes at BRIANNA CHICKENFRY NEW YORK POST New York Post @nypost. 1d Country singer Zach Bryan and girlfriend Brianna Chickenfry nearly died when vehicle flipped in bloody car crash trib.al/mPlucbY 61 1,795 32.3K del 2.4M
unregistered hyperkate 2 @kat... 1d ... probably the most annoying person i know in DC is a self-described communist who works at DHS and takes pictures of himself flipping off HQ every morning for his close friends story despite everyone knowing he works there 16 170 4,888 286K
Fredward the Bastard @Fredwa... 1d ... Old guy did the roll the car window crank down gesture to me like buddy that's not how we do it now, you're so out of your depth here it's crazy. I'm going to crash my car into yours 2 354 3,308 du 78K
full-snack developer @n... 1d ... imagine being sandwiched in a middle seat between someone who just played an entire pickup game and another person who did a peloton class, and didn't shower. id open the emergency exit. Austin Rief @aust... 2d Why don't airports have gyms? 43 4,123 31.1K del 1M
levy @1929stockcrash•23h Went on a date so bad that instead of hugging him goodbye, I saluted him at the end 77 117 3,426 252K
Melissa Ruth Rotert--ARC rea... 1d ... I told my 4yo I needed a break today and went to my room. Не comes in about 5 mins later and says, Are you still on your break? And I tell him yes. Then he says, Oh, good. I'm on my break too. We can be on break together. I've had enough of Daddy today. 82 3,920 83.6K del 1.3M
Alex Ritman @alexritman.20h ... Someone just described Megalopolis as a $120 million version of The Room 85 803 5,951 del 641K
caroline (going woman) @soon... 1d ... arthouse theaters need to institute a policy where anybody who performatively Laughs Knowingly at the movie gets kicked out and banned for life 34 406 4,458 256K
tony soprano @tuckfwelvey 1d ... quitting a bad job isn't enough i need them to go out of business after i leave 148 10.9K 55.5K du 1.5M
j4k3 @lordsteele 1d ... LINGUA urgent care is such a terrible name for them because it's neither urgent nor do they actually care 188 13.7K 125K 2.3M
inqilãb @tastefullysaucy• 1d Let's walk until we reach the nearest police station. Amaka @zrosey_.2d Walk with me 234 10.9K 65.1K del 2.1M
Emily Murnane @emily_murnane. 1d ... It is so wild how Facebook started as a way for Harvard incels to play smash or pass and now it's just grandmas getting scammed by robots. What a journey. 23 3,807 48.2K 949K


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