21 Stand-Up Jokes That Make Us Want to Try Stand-Up — But We Know Our Spineless Behinds Never Will

Hmm. Maybe writing and performing these isn’t as easy as it looks
21 Stand-Up Jokes That Make Us Want to Try Stand-Up — But We Know Our Spineless Behinds Never Will
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How do they make it look so effortless? It’s not fair to the rest of us who think we can do it too. These top-notch stand-up comics seem like they’re just riffing some ideas they’ve had lately, but after a trip to the local open mic, we assure you they are not!

So what? Now we have to sit and craft hilarious material and test it in front of audiences until we’ve honed it into perfection? Pfft. That sounds exhausting. 

Jimmy O. Yang

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I'm very proud to represent Asians. But at the same time, there's so much pressure. Like, nobody ever went up to Matt Damon and be like, hey, Matt, thanks for representing the whites. Jimmy O. Yang

Patton Oswalt

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM Is it bad when you refer to all alcohol as pain-go-bye-bye juice? Patton Oswalt

Mitch Hedberg

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. Mitch Hedberg

Bill Hicks

COMEDY NERD CD I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?' Bill Hicks

Amy Schumer

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM My mom's always saying really smart things, like, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one. Amy Schumer

Richard Pryor

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings. And lawyers. Richard Pryor

Wanda Sykes

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I've never found any strange panties in my dog's house. Wanda Sykes

Rodney Dangerfield

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM My mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. Rodney Dangerfield

Jerry Seinfeld

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM The Swiss Army. Never been involved in a war in 200 years. It's a lucky thing. Did you ever see this little Swiss Army knife? Corkscrews, bottle opener, nail file. You don't want to go to war with this little thing. Jerry Seinfeld

Nate Bargatze

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I've been married four years now and it's getting pretty serious. Nate Bergatze

Kevin Hart

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I don't have exes. I have Y's. Like Y the hell did I date you? Keven Hart

Comedy Central

Tig Notaro

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I went on a hardcore drinking and smoking binge. It lasted right about nine months. And then as soon as I was born, I was like, Do not go in there. Tig Notaro

Team Coco

Joan Rivers

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers

QVCtv

Bo Burnham

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM What's a pirate minus the ship? Just a creative homeless guy. Во Burnham

Comedy Central

Nikki Glaser

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I have a crush on this guy who's totally marriage material. Because he's married. Nikki Glaser

Comedy Central

Sarah Silverman

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I can't wait till Sunday. I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece. Sarah Silverman

Netflix

John Mulaney

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I'm like an iPhone. It's going to be worse versions of this every year, plus I get super hot in the middle of the afternoon for no reason. John Mulaney

NBC

Maria Bamford

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I've never really thought of myself as depressed as much as paralyzed by hope. Maria Bamford

Laugh Society

George Carlin

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM Atheism is a non- prophet organization. George Carlin

HBO

Aziz Ansari

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I'm not going to have any struggles to tell my kids about. What's my story going to be like? 'Ah, son, once, when I was flying from New York to L.A., my iPad died!' Aziz Ansari

Aziz Ansari YouTube Channel

Ali Wong

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM People ask me how on Earth do you balance work and career? Men never get asked that question because they don't. Ali Wong

Netflix

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