20 Classic Joan Rivers Lines That Need No Nips or Tucks

‘I have a million-dollar figure, but it’s all loose change’
20 Classic Joan Rivers Lines That Need No Nips or Tucks
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The late, great Joan Rivers was one of the most iconic comedians of our time. She was effortlessly funny onstage and off, though describing it that way is a disservice to her respect for classic joke structure. 

Here are 20 quick hits from the queen herself, to be appreciated even if you aren’t fully familiar with her game…

CRACKED Two is company. Three is fifty bucks. -JOAN RIVERS
CRACKED I once dated a guy so dumb, he couldn't count to 21 unless he was naked. -JOAN RIVERS
CRACKED The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. -JOAN RIVERS
CRACKED I have a million dollar figure, but it's all loose change. -JOAN RIVERS
CRACKED To the pessimist, the light at the end of the tunnel is another train. -JOAN RIVERS
CRACKED People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured, if you have enough money, you can have a key made. -JOAN RIVERS
CRACKED I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they're going to donate my body to Tupperware. -JOAN RIVERS
CRACKED I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. -JOAN RIVERS
CRACKED The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me, that would be a shroud. -JOAN RIVERS
CRACKED Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name. -JOAN RIVERS
CRACKED I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. -JOAN RIVERS
CRACKED I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery. -JOAN RIVERS
CRACKED My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn. -JOAN RIVERS
CRACKED I saw my first porno film recently. It was a Jewish porno film. One minute of sex, nine minutes of guilt. -JOAN RIVERS
CRACKED I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night, my husband said, 'let me help you with those buttons,' and I told him, 'I'm completely naked. -JOAN RIVERS
CRACKED All I ever heard when I was a kid was, 'Why can't you be more like your cousin Sheila?' and Sheila had died at birth. -JOAN RIVERS
CRACKED The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to only date 28 year olds. Who knew he would find 20 of them? -JOAN RIVERS
CRACKED The nice thing about this hat is that it covers up the head wound that made her think it was a good idea to wear it in the first place. -JOAN RIVERS
CRACKED Peeping Toms look at my window and pull down the shade. -JOAN RIVERS
CRACKED My gynecologist examines me by telephone. -JOAN RIVERS

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