18 Great Lines from ‘Norm Macdonald: Me Doing Stand-Up’

‘That’s my goal in life: Is not to die’
18 Great Lines from ‘Norm Macdonald: Me Doing Stand-Up’
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I shouldn’t have to wax poetic to anyone with even a passing interest in comedy about Norm Macdonald's prowess. Even before his unfortunate and untimely death, he was pretty much fully enshrined as one of the greats. Watching his 2008 special, Me Doing Stand-Up, is a great reminder why. And that’s, as he would say, “on account of” all the great jokes delivered with his trademark air of mischief. 

Here are some of my favorite lines to send you looking for the special in its entirety…

That's my goal in life. Is not to die.
People go, that guy's got a big heart. And I go, Well, he better f**kin' watch it then, cuz that thing can attack and kill him.
One guy told me, Don't worry Norm, he died in his sleep. Не didn't feel a thing. / was like, Really? When his heart attacked and killed him? Because / wake up when my cat walks across my belly.
In the old days, they'd go Hey, that old man died. Now, they go, Hey, he lost his battle. That's no way to end your life. Hey, what a loser that guy was. Last thing he did was lose!
I'm not gonna be brave. I don't care how old / am. I could be 94, I'll be like, Ohh, please, ohh... take my grandson! He's young and fresh!
They're like Here we are, where as you can see, they're scouring the woods behind me, they're still searching for Janice. And you go, Oh, f**k, not the woods. Nothing good ever happens in the woods.
They're like Here we are, where as you can see, they're scouring the woods behind me, they're still searching for Janice. And you go, Oh, f**k, not the woods. Nothing good ever happens in the woods. I've seen enough of these f**kin' stories to know that Janice ain't comin' boundin' out of the woods anytime soon.
If they find you in the woods, they always find you in the same place. Every time, they will find you in a shallow grave.
You know, these serial killers are supposed to be so shrewd and cunning, at least according to the TV movies I've seen. But then when it comes time for the grave, they get a little hasty. Alright, 3 twigs and a leaf. That oughta do it.
/ don't think I'd kill a woman in cold blood, but if I did, I would plan it out carefully. Because there's a lot at stake. You know, think about it... you'd probably lose your job. That's a blemish on the ol' CV.
What better way to keep a secret, when you think about it, Than to tell a room full of drunks.
My friend was like, oh, there's nothing shameful about sex. But of course there is, on account of, think about what you do before sex. You make sure the kids aren't around, you pull the blinds... What's that? That's shame! That's what blinds were made for!
Scientists now say that a man thinks about sex once every 7.3 seconds. Now, of course that's horses**t. How could that possibly be? You couldn't walk down the street like, Ahh, с*ck, р***у, ass. You'd blow your f**kin' head off by the second day.
/ have met guys that are proud of their sexual prowess. Seems like the oddest thing, you know, because, How hard is sex? It's one of the easiest things. It's not like darts or something.
But I don't drink, and if you don't drink, I'll tell ya something, bars are not a lot of fun. Cuz when you think about it, All it is, is you're sitting at a big oak table for four hours. That's not fun unless you're drunk.
And then they start resenting you for it. I've seen that, man. Drunk people do not want a not drunk guy there. It always ends the same. Guy comes up, goes, Hey, what's the matter with you? Cheer up! Then you're like, Oh, now I'm having a good time, too! Don't take a wild swing at me when I'm not looking! ... I'll be driving you home later.
You ever read about those guys, wear a rubber suit? Let a lady whip their balls? It all ends up the same, you know. Just now, you got a crazy get-up on, like All right then! Why don't you go turn on Matlock. And I'll take these rubber trousers off, put those in the hamper.
My buddy Richie, he has a disease. It's an interesting disease he has, it's the disease of alcoholism. And he came to me, and he told me, you know. I'm the kind of guy who likes to look at the bright side of things, you know. So I told him, Richie, it's true that you have a disease. But... / think you got the best one.

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