25 Uproarious Stand-Up Jokes From the Biggest Names in Comedy

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25 Uproarious Stand-Up Jokes From the Biggest Names in Comedy
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If you’re looking for some of the best jokes ever written, you’ve come to the right place. And by that we mean this pre-list blurb! That’s about the jokiest joke we could muster up, so you know it’s only going to get better from here.

Wow, we feel like an opening act who told one joke, didn’t get a laugh, then immediately gave up and introduced the headliner. Hopefully they’re not in the bathroom!

Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers CRACKED.COM If that's what sex is, I lost my virginity WAY too early. I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, The man goes on top and the woman underneath. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

Richard Pryor

Richard Pryor CRACKED.COM I think there's been some sort of mistake... I woke up in an ambulance. And it wasn't nothing but white people staring at me. I said, Ain't this a b***h. I done died and wound up in the wrong muthaf****g heaven.

Norm Macdonald

Norm Macdonald CRACKED.COM I once walked in on my parents having sex. It was the most embar- rassing thirty minutes of my life. Thirty min- utes?! Damn... Norm's dad was something.

George Carlin

George Carlín CRACKED.COM Electricity is really just organized lightning. Imagining lighting shuf- fling itself into an orga- nized little stream for our Vitamix is just fun (and smart).

Jerry Seinfeld

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM The Swiss Army. Never been involved in a war in 200 years. It's a lucky thing. Did you ever see this little Swiss Army knife? Corkscrews, bottle opener, nail file. You don't want to go to war with this little thing. Jerry Seinfeld

Maria Bamford

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I've never really thought of myself as depressed as much as paralyzed by hope. Maria Bamford

Nikki Glaser

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I have a crush on this guy who's totally marriage material. Because he's married. Nikki Glaser

Jim Gaffigan

People don't want to hear about home birth. They're like, 'Oh, you had your baby at home? Yeah, we were gonna do that, but we wanted our baby to live.

Patton Oswalt

Not only are buffets gonna come back, they're gonna come back with this weird, own-the-libs vengeance. Every one of them's gonna have an agenda.

Todd Glass

Here's the business plan for Target: We'll basically sell what K-Mart sells but we'll wipe sh off.

Kyle Kinane

I'm 42 years old, and my name is Kyle. You know what that means? I'm on borrowed time. There's no such thing as an old Kyle. Nobody went to Grandpa Kyle's for Christmas this year.

Bo Burnham

If Jesus can walk on water can he swim on land?

Bill Burr

Why the hell do people keep getting married? If you were going skydiving, and they told you half the parachutes weren't gonna open, you'd be like, I'm not going! I don't like those odds.

Chris Rock

Chris Rock on Geography The only thing I know about Africa is that it's far, far away. About a 35-hour flight. The boat ride's so long, there are still slaves on their way here.

Daniel Tosh

CRACKED DANIEL TOSH I saw a guy wearing a What Would Jesus Do? bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.

Bill Burr

CRACKED BILL BURR was so f*cking negative, he never had anything positive to say! Hey Steve, what have you got for us today? 'In 2035 there'll be no more apples.' Thank you, Steve, thanks a lot!

Zach Galifianakis

Zach Galifianakis on Drinking You know you're an alcoholic when the bartender knows your name - - and you've never been to that bar before.

Demetri Martin on Swimming

Demetri Martin on Swimming Swimming is a confusing sport because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants? Uh oh. Bathing suit? Okay. Naked? We'll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?

Robin Williams

Robin Williams on Doctors You don't want a doctor who also has a hobby! You don't want a gynecologist who's also a magician! 'How are we doing today, Mrs. Johnson? Oh, look! A dove! (Mimes pulling out ribbons) Oh, what's this, what's this, and this, and this? Is this your card?'

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