30 Exceptionally Creative Burns That People Are Still Scorched By

‘Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you’ll find a brain back there’
30 Exceptionally Creative Burns That People Are Still Scorched By

True wordsmiths know that expletive-laden insults can only pack so much of a punch.

“Bitch,” “dumbass” and even “idiot” can get stale, especially if your lifestyle requires having a plethora of disses at your fingertips (looking at you, Fortnite players). Thankfully, Redditors have come up with exceedingly creative alternatives to some of our favorite burns.

For example: Instead of calling someone a liar, you can ask them if “their ass ever gets jealous of the shit that comes out of their mouth.” In lieu of dubbing a mouthy teenager as a naive jerk, you can merely remind them that you have “hair on your ass” older than them.  

Problem solved!

And there’s more where that came from. Reddit’s resident roasters have shared other creative burns they’ve launched or been on the receiving end of, proving there is a way to expertly transform insults into both injury and art.

StPariah 7y ago Worked in the kitchens years ago. There was a long line, and heard an altercation out front at the register. Apparently a younger college douche didn't want to wait on the olderman to start his order so he literally started ordering instead in spite of him and they started arguing. Kid asked the guy who he thought he was, older guy didn't miss a beat and said I could've been your daddy but your mother didn't have change for a five. 4.1K ...
Gambatte 7y ago A girl at the bar was ripping on a friend... I forget the exact line, but she said something like I bet he's got a tiny dick; he probably couldn't even give me two inches! To which he quipped back: Course not - I ain't gonna f*ck a bitch like you twice! 2.3K ...
Dervish-D 7y ago One of my friends is bragging how easy it would be for him to bang a girl on the first date so my GF says: The only chance you'll ever have to be inside a girl is if you become an organ donor. That was a slam dunk. 300 ... + 3 more replies
 7y ago I like: does your ass ever get jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth? 1.1K ... nandaparbeats 7y ago Alternatively: I'm surprised you can fit your head that far up your own ass, considering you're so full of shit. 247 ...
 7y ago You couldn't get laid if you crawled up a chicken's ass and pretended to be an egg. 1.8K ...
yevren 7y ago Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you'll find a brain back there. - 913 ...
alanamonsterr 7y ago I bet her man smells like Sea World and cigarettes when she's done with him. - 420 ...
MindlessObligation7 7y ago Heard in my science class back in high school Wow, I can't believe you think evolution works. Me neither since you're proof it doesn't. - 470 ...
 7y ago Do I come to your work and slap the dick out of your mouth? - 638 ...
Skeegle04 . 7y ago Those aren't acne scars they're marks from the coat hanger. 855 ...
meganandrus 7y ago She looks like a cocktail waitress on an oil rig. Can't remember where I heard that but it gets me every time, so descriptive. - 399 ...
TheFalcor 7y ago You look like a fucking busted Ravioli kid, get the fuck out of here. I don't know what part of this dude looked like a busted Ravioli but I almost had to use my inhaler to after I heard that one. 445 ... TickleMyGiggleBerrie 7y ago I don't get it, but I'm laughing. 93 ...
chronic_ineptitude 7y ago When I was about 16 I tried to get in my dad's face (over some teen angst thing). My dad calmly replied boy, I have hair on my ass older than you. - 248 ...
UncleJay74 7y ago 2 my wife says quite often..... If dumb was dirt, they'd cover an acre. That dude is so stupid he could fall in a barrel of tits and still come out sucking his thumb. ... - 711
 7y ago If ignorance is bliss then you must be one happy idiot or You f*cking donut 184 ...
InkFunkFu 7y ago Calling someone a candy corn bitch 329 ... + 7 more replies
Ajrutroh 7y ago Arguing with you is like trying to pick up a turd from the clean end. 358 ... + 6 more replies
 7y ago Edited 7y ago Said to a lady wearing a lot of make-up: If I slapped you with a baby-wipe, your face would disappear. 119 ...
GAREN_IS_HARD 7y ago You're not pretty enough to be that stupid 170 ...
outdoorsybum 7y ago My drill sergeant said my mother should have swallowed me. Bootcamp was fun. 112 ... + 10 more replies
Limetime5 7y ago I overheard someone on the street calling another person the sombrero of asshats. It always stuck with me. 50 ... + 1 more reply
 7y ago One of my favorites came from the film Clerks. Try not to suck any dicks on your way to the parking lot! - 184 ...
Raccooninmyceiling 7y ago You're a posterchild for birth control. 294 ... + 7 more replies
LittlestDeborah 7y ago go apologize to the tree that has to replace the oxygen you waste 179 ... + 1 more reply
 7y ago My mother referred to my brother and I as you two are both douche canoes, together you're both like one big douche catamaran. This one had me dying laughing...God I love my mother. 95 ... + 1 more reply
tommybanjo47 7y ago you look like the kind of fucking dumbass that would try to help a car cross the street 132 ...
KestrelGirl 7y ago My cousin's favorite: you unripe melon! 71 ... + 4 more replies
mtwstr 7y ago Face made for radio 209 ... + 7 more replies
rootKRP 7y ago I overheard a 5 year old say this to his older sister once 'you were born in an alley where mistakes are made' 186 ...
unique_af_username16 7y ago My dad's ex wife got her kids names tattooed on her ankles. Dad's comment was with the way she spreads her legs her kids will never be together!. She had cheated on him a few times during the marriage. 1.7K ...

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