35 of the Wittiest Things People Have Heard

‘Alright… but I don’t swallow’
35 of the Wittiest Things People Have Heard

The ability to deliver an off-the-cuff zinger with brevity is a trait not many possess, which makes it all the more awe-inspiring when you witness it firsthand. A Redditor asked a blind man if he’d been blind his whole life, and the man responded, “Not yet.” Another Redditor remembered the time their friend insulted someone by saying, “He doesn’t look strong enough to carry information,” which is a hell of a way to call someone both weak and stupid. 

Other Redditors have recalled the funniest quips they’ve ever heard someone utter, and boy, is this a wealth of wit.

PhoenixFlare1 . 1y ago o Coworker held up a bottle of Smart Water & said This is the only water I drink. I immediately said It's not working. 259 ...
Purple_Dragon_94 1y ago Boss (after complaining to a bearded co-worker about how he is useless at merchandising a store, to the bosses specifications of course): and one more thing, get yourself a razor Co-worker (who did the job for pocket money and really didn't care): nah, too risky. I could start thinking of you and slit my wrists 449 ...
Qwerty1bang 1y ago Working at a tech company (lots of random gear everywhere). Colleague calls from other room out 'How do you turn this off?' Someone replied 'Pretend its a woman! 675 ...
jameyiguess 1y ago I was in line at a beer store, and two guys behind me were talking. Really snobby-voiced dude says, I don't like my beer to be more interesting than me. After a beat, his buddy says, that pretty much leaves you with Coors Light. 512 ...
MostlyChaoticNeutral 1y ago Had a friend who was super worried about being shunned from our gaming group because she just had a baby and was going to have less time to spend with us, so we were all brainstorming ways to make sure she knew she was welcome wether she could spend an hour or 10 hours with us. Her first day back after giving birth, she showed off a few pictures of her new baby, and one of the men in the group says, So, when will she be raid ready? and that was apparently the exactly right thing
anitadoobie1216 1y ago e Grams is a bad cook, everyone always gives her shit. She said to me once, I told Billy I could only excel in 1 room when we got married, and he didn't pick the kitchen! 742 ...
pbr4me e 1y ago e My heavy set buddy at a Chinese restaurant was asked if he would like wonton soup? Не immediately responded....Look at me, I'll take two tons of it. + 719 ...
Adventurous-Sell9358 1y ago I was a 2nd grade teacher. After reading a book about a moose the ending was open-ended. explained that sometimes an author leaves the ending without a clear conclusion so the reader can guess what happens. One sharp girl said, How moose-sterious. Another year, asked a girl a question. After she was looking up trying to remember the answer, I said I don't think you'll find the answer up there. Another girl pipes up, She's looking to God for answers. 525 ...
Blkshp2 1y ago - My girlfriend and I had a romantic weekend planned and I got held up at work on a pointless project. When I finally arrived at her place, I let myself in, plopped down on the couch and shouted That was a waste of fuckin' TIME ! She oozed out of the bedroom in a satin slit-to-the-waist nightgown, leaned against the door jamb with a full leg exposed and said No, it was a waste of FUCKIN' time. 515 ...
llbb14 1y ago Once in high school, my friend and I were chatting with a teacher whose young daughter we had been training for elementary cheerleading tryouts (we were both on the varsity team). My friend told our teacher how cute his daughter is and he said Thanks, it's genetics. I immediately responded Must be recessive. My greatest burn to this day. His face was absolutely priceless. 934 ...
Kitz80345 1y ago This is a story my Dad observed at work once. Не worked at a nuclear plant that you may be able to guess was a very male dominated workplace. A woman had been brought in to do some consulting I think? Anyway, she walked by and one of the workers said something along the lines of I'd like to get in your pants Her response: Honey, I've already got an asshole in my pants. 773 ...
JennyW93 e 1y ago e Whenever I jokingly insult my mum, she says that must be where you get it from. She cracked the code. I can never offend her without offending myself. 844 ...
shocktatic 14y ago Drove my friends to a club one night. Upon entry got lost, although enjoyed the perspective being sober gives these places. Seen my friend chatting to these girls and walked over to him. These girls who didn't know I knew him looked up and down and said, What are you doing here?. And in a split second of suave wit I replied, Well I'm here to catch you after you fall for him, as I motioned to my buddy. Funny thing was as soon as I dropped that line they pretty much ignored my friend and he
EquipmentFormal2033 1y ago My 16 yr old daughter is paralyzed from the waist down joined the neighborhood swim team and after helping her into the pool to start laps her coach, a high school kid, asks if she's paralyzed - she looks to her wheelchair that is clearly customized for her, and says no the chairs just a decoy, legs are great 956 ...
Archiemalarchie 1y ago . I was running to catch an elevator before the doors closed and I asked the two young women inside it if they were going down. One looked at me deadpan and said 'Alright...but / don't swallow.' + 1.6K ...
SudoTheNym 1y ago Was in band practice and it started to lightning. We were getting nervous. The band leader, who was on lift overseeing our formation said Look, I know you're worried about the lightning, but honestly, up here, I'll be the first to get hit! 'No you wont! I yelled! You're a bad conductor! 1.6K ...
CalGoldenBear55 1y ago My wife ran an investment firm. They have numerous interns. At the end of the year they would award the best intern with a nice award and/or recognition. This one guy (who was really top notch) got so shitfaced at the Christmas party he had to go to the ER. Не didn't get the award. Не later questioned management why he didn't win. In front of the other executives, she said he was a great employee and the voting was very close. She said he had lost by .31. points...which was his blood alcohol percentage at the
spicymeataball 14y ago My wife was randomly calling out things she noticed as we drove through a neighbourhood we hadn't seen before. Tennis club... so I said I'm pretty sure it's called a racket, dear. Knees were slapped. + 81 ...
mfwic 14y ago I was working in an open-cubicle office for awhile back in the 90's. Rose walked into our area and asked out loud to everyone in the vicinity, Who has bad eyesight?. I responded without missing a beat, Your boyfriend. + 38 ...
Thepenguinwhat 1y ago I had to have an endoscopy once. Took my sister as my support person since I was going under general. We were going through the forms with the nurse and got to the question of whether I had someone who could make decisions for me. I looked at my sister and asked you won't unplug me prematurely, will you?. Her response? what if I need to charge my phone? + 2.5K ...
Qyrun 1y ago . my coworker once told a story about him arguing with an absolute idiot. he concluded the story with it felt like his two braincells fought for the third place. + 1.6K ...
jayhof52 1y ago When I went to a renaissance faire once, I went to a beer tent and ordered a Newcastle Brown Ale (seemed the most fitting for the surroundings). The beer wench, without skipping a beat, said, Everyone wants a Newcastle - no one wants to remodel! + 3K ...
 1y ago I was working with my friend and his dad. My friend (26) heard an ice cream truck near where we were working. Не asked his dad if he could have a couple dollars. His dad asked, what for? My friend told his dad that there was an ice cream truck in the neighborhood, and that they were playing music. My friends dad told him They don't charge anything to listen to the music + 3.2K ...
PeterJoAl 1y ago My dad wiped out when skiing down a mountain and lost a ski. After a few minutes of hunting for it, he gives up, slings the one remaining ski over a shoulder and starts walking down the mountain in his ski boots. About half-way down, another skier stops and goes Gee! Did you lose a ski? My dad instantly replied No, I was out for a walk and found one! + 3.2K ...
NedsAtomicDB 1y ago When I was about 12, after reading too many of my mom's romance novels, I thrust my nonexistent chest out in front of my dad and said, Dad, am I voluptuous? Не looked up over the top of his newspaper and said, You have to get some volups first. Ever after, in my house, breasts were volups. + 4.7K ...
jobrody 1y ago . Edited 1y ago My brother was a line cook at a New Orleans restaurant. My mom was in town, staying at a fancy hotel, and he stopped by after work, still wearing his kitchen whites. Не was reading a newspaper in the lobby waiting for her to come down when the shocked lobby manager sputtered at him, MAY I HELP YOU!?!? Не answered, thanks, but I know how to read, and went back to his paper. + 4.1K ...
NedsAtomicDB 1y ago Business law class in college years ago, talking about the issues that black Americans had before the Civil Rights Amendment, trying to travel through the south with the discrimination so rampant, trying to find restaurants to serve them and decent lodgings. My instructor was posing a hypothetical: So you pull up out front of this place, you're exhausted from driving for hours, and you see the sign out front says 'Ku Klux Klan Motel.' What would you expect to find there? Without missing a beat, from the back of the room came this gem: Extra sheets in
DdraigGwyn 1y ago My brother-in-law's comment The entire family went out for my mother's 80th birthday and after the meal we all went to a local park, largely occupied by the elderly, to rest. My mother needed crutches at this point, and they were resting against her bench. My 10-year-old niece, who looked like every starving waif image from Dickens, grabbed the crutches and started hobbling round the park. All the OAPs were following her progress with looks of pity until my brother ran up behind her, and kicked away the crutches. There was an audible gasp from round the
seditioushamster 1y ago I worked in a warehouse where we had 2 older women 80+, and a relatively younger one, 50ish. We also had a salesman who was named Stuart but went by Dick. One day as he walked past the office the younger asked the older women very innocently, how do you get Dick out of Stuart anyway? To which the oldest responded without blinking I'm sure all you'll have to do is ask him for it deary. Needless to say I totally lost it + 3.5K ...
JennyW93 1y ago e My pal uses the phrase he doesn't look strong enough to carry information and it cracks me up every time. Calling someone stupid and weak in one fell swoop + 5K ...
UtahUtopia 1y ago My brother got a vasectomy and when the doctor was releasing him and giving him instructions (with the nurse listening in), one of the orders was to come back and have a follow-up appointment after you've ejaculated 30 times. Without missing a beat my brother asked what time do you open tomorrow? The nurse couldn't keep it together after hearing that. + 2.7K ...
lionbatcher 1y ago Edited 1y ago I was on a team at work that was on a project working insane overtime. One night after an 80-90 hour week, we were all sitting around the table trying to finish up so we could go home. Around 11, my buddy's wife called, dubious about the hours he'd been keeping. We heard her through the line - are you cheating on me? Exasperated, he looked at our boss, then replied honey, if I was cheating on you, I would have been home by now. + 10K ...
 1y ago 6 Asked a blind guy if he'd been blind his whole life. Не said Not yet. + 11K ...
limbodog 1y ago My doctor told me I could be a bit of a ham sometimes. I told her, Doctor, if I was a ham, I'd be cured! She ignored the greatest pun of my life. + 5.1K ...
Saltybutwet 1y ago I had been out shopping all day with my kids, whom at the time was around 5 & 7. I was exhausted and just made up an excuse and said no more shopping, I have no more money to which the 7 y/o said, deadpan you need to get a second job then. + 221 ...

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