14 Zingers From Historical Figures and Anonymous Goofballs

You tell ‘em, Kierkegaard
14 Zingers From Historical Figures and Anonymous Goofballs

From horny ancient pranksters to Beethoven’s snarky ass, there’s much we can learn from past generations.

Mark Twain Says the Dumbest People Are Always the Loudest

“The trouble ain’t there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.”

Mae West’s Early Version of ‘Your Mother Should Have Swallowed You’

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”

Theophilus’ Friend Was Sick of His Shit, and Wrote About It on the Walls of Pompeii

“Theophilus, don’t perform oral sex on girls against the city wall like a dog”

Oscar Wilde Hates to See You Leave, Loves to Watch You Go

“Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.”

Kurt Vonnegut Isn’t Afraid of Your Genius

“If your brains were dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.”

Elizabeth Taylor Don’t Need No Leading Man

“Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.”

Albert Einstein Is One of Few People Who Are Allowed to Dunk on the Entire Human Race

“Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not so sure about the former.”

Beethoven Said Bless Your Heart

“I like your opera. I think I will set it to music.”

Kierkegaard’s Most Devastating Roast

“My opponent is a glob of snot.”

A Pompeiian Graffiti Artist With This Timeless Brag

“If anyone does not believe in Venus, they should gaze at my girl friend.”

Hunter S. Thompson Wasn’t a Fan of Hubert Humphrey

“They don’t hardly make ‘em like Hubert anymore. But just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway.”

This King Edward VIII Quote Would Have Done Absolute Numbers on Facebook

“The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children.”

This Humblebrag From Yet Another Pompeiian Graffiti Artist

“On April 19th, I made bread”

Winston Churchill Unfortunately Got Our Ass

“Americans will always try to do the right thing — after they’ve tried everything else.”

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