John Early Is Figuring Out How to Be Sincere

As the star of the sharp new indie ‘Stress Positions,’ the irreverent comic works in a more serious vein. He tells Cracked why he’s getting comfortable with being earnest — even if he’s scared everyone will think he’s pretentious

Authors
By
Published
Comments
Comments 0

36 of the Funniest Reasons People Decided Not to Date Someone

By:
36 of the Funniest Reasons People Decided Not to Date Someone

One of the best parts of Seinfeld is the many petty reasons the core four used to end a relationship with an unsuspecting, mildly annoying significant other. Staring into space on the plane? Dumped! Big hands? Dumped! Bald? Dumped! 

In that Seinfeldian spirit, Redditors have shared the pettiest, most hilarious reasons they’ve declined another date with someone else. If you have tiny nostrils, sorry in advance.

 . 2y Не was awful in a trivia game we were playing. I mean, really bad, like it was his first day pretending to be a human on Earth and the aliens hadn't briefed him sufficiently. ... 21.2k

02K30C1 . 2y She ate her peas one at a time ... 9.7k

BitchtitsMcsnarfalot . 2y He'd slap his own ass after sex. ... 5.8k

Throwawaybibbi . . 2y Because of his name. His name was Bunn...James Bunn... ... 5.1k

fkingtrashcan . . 2y My new car kept scraping on the bottom while pulling out of their steep driveway to the main road. After the fourth time of trying to be careful and it still scraped........ ... 4.1k

Grieie . 2y Не tried to say what I was saying... as in at the same time. Не started mouthing it and then slowly including more and more voice. I would stop talking and start again.... he mimicked the whole time ... 14k

OmgOgan . 2y She was super hot, but she smelled. I dunno if she didn't shower or use deodorant, but she just smelled funky. I couldn't do it. My best girl friend at the time was like, just tell her. How do you tell a girl you've known for a few weeks that she smells bad?!?! So I just stopped talking to her. Brilliant. ... 5.4k

captjackjack. . 2y She was a volunteer at the Zoo and when kids asked her questions she didn't know the answer to, she would make something up and lie. Growing up on zoobooks and Steve Irwin, I take animal facts very seriously. ... 1.1k

DeuceSe7en . 2y Every single text of her ended with '...' I just couldn't do it man ... 34.7k

sctrojans1112 . 2y Everything was going great, thought she was an amazing girl and we'd been seeing each other for two months. Go to her house for the first time and it was a little messy, but nothing to write home about. Then I go to the bathroom and put up the toilet seat... I don't think she'd ever cleaned the bottom of the toilet seat given how disgusting it was. From then on, the only thing I could think about when talking or being with her was that disgusting toilet seat. ... 15.5k

LostallmyGAFs . 2y Been married twice. Both were named Kim. I don't even talk to Kim's now. All Kimmed out. ... 14.8k

Daffodildandy.2 2y All The Words In Every Text Не Sent Were Capitalised. Trust Me, It Got ANNOYING. ... 23.6k

browncoat47 . 2y During sex, she would close her eyes and frown in concentration. Once my brain made the connection that she looked like Sam the Eagle from the Muppets, it was over for me. ... 2.7k

Fromhe . 2y She kept using the word Redonkulous in normal conversation. I felt my soul dying every time I heard it. ... 7.7k

rpp8 . 2y She didn't know that foxes were real animals. She thought they were mythical and just in movies. ... 4.9k

danceSINGooseBeary. 2y Не got a few consecutive bites out of my ice cream on our first date without asking me and before I even tasted my own ice cream...and didn't even offer his to me. ... 17.9k

bandi53 . 2y She called someone a pompous. Nope, she didn't say he was acting pompous or that he was a pompous ass. Не was a pompous. 18.7k

justlurkingmate . . 2y Her nostrils were fucking tiny. Wtf ... 11.4k

 . 2y A very attractive, fun, smart woman asked me if I wanted to go get ice cream with her. I turned her down but I guess in a way that she felt was flirty, so she kept asking. And finally I had to tell her I was turning her down because she had both my mother's first and last name. She laughed a lot and agreed we couldn't date. ... 4.3k

Pocketeer1 . 2y Went on a first date to the movies. This fucking guy...instead of picking up his drink and lifting the straw to his mouth, he would put his hands on his knees, keeping his eyes on the screen, and lean over to the drink and 'hunt' for the straw with his face and his mouth contorted sideways trying to land on the straw. Weirdest shit ever. ... 5k

pharmdap . 2y Не didn't re-rack his weights. I will never, for the life of me, understand why people don't return/re-rack their weights ... 395

Not-an-Ocelot . . 2y She would insist on a job interview level of formality whenever we talked.

graeuk . 2y they did that thing where they inflect their voice upwards at the end of everything they say as if it were a question after about 10 minutes talking to them I was completely done. ... 13.1k

hairymonkeyinmyanus . 2 2y Didnt use the turn signal. Ever. ... 4.2k

bi-of-little-brain . 2y Не said he'd do a full health check on any pets I had. I was pretty peeved at the implication that I might not be caring for them. Also, he wasn't a vet. ... 3.9k

LeonardBetts88 . 2y Не was wearing a hideous brown fake leather jacket, it was so old that the 'leather' had started to flake off and parts were just now canvas. Не kept stopping to look at himself in windows and saying 'oh god I look so hot today' 'I just can't believe how hot I look' smoothing down his manky jacket, side eyeing me, expecting me to agree with him. I left so he could be alone with his jacket. ... 8.1k

inetkid13 . 2y I had to explain everything to a girl. Everything. I still don't know if she was exceptional stupid or tried to keep the conversation going and was just really bad at it. Do you remember the guy who acted like he didn't know what a potato was? Texting with her was exactly like that. ... 16k

Awkward_turtle404 . 2y A guy on a dating app said he wouldn't date me because I didn't like oysters. ... 9.9k

ronsinblush . 2y After our first date he called me and asked me what I was up to, I replied cleaning my house, he says Oh! You like cleaning? I have a house cleaner who comes every other day, but if we got married we could get rid of her and just have you clean! Sometimes they make it easy for you to decide if there should be a date #2. ... 6.5k

DuchessOfTears . 2y Не stared at me blankly when I said the word republican when describing one of my family members. I followed up and sure enough, he literally had no idea what the word republican meant and didn't know about our largely two- party system. Не was in his late 20's. If you're not into politics, that's one thing, but he had managed to live nearly three decades in our country without knowing basic information about our political system. My brain could not comprehend and I worried about what other basic information he had managed to avoid was. 'Twas

Nicole_xx19 . 2y Не would call me his beautiful angle. Не really didn't know how to spell angel so for 5 months I put up with being an angle. Also dated a guy who wanted to put a singlewide trailer on his parent's front lawn and thought I was unreasonable for not wanting to move in with him once he did so. ... 5.4k

dustydooshe . . 2y Walked with T.Rex arms. Not while standing or sitting. Just walking. ... 2.4k

ldgrffn . . 2y Не wore a Bluetooth piece in his ear. The constant blue light blinking from the side of his head was too much for me. Another guy would text dame instead of damn. It wasn't a typo either, it was every time. ... 22.1k

Jealous-Network-8852 2y Her complete inability to follow the plot of a movie. Who's that? Where'd he come from? Why'd she do that? Who is he again? I just couldn't. ... 9.1k

hewrites . 2y I just didn't want to keep driving to that part of town because of traffic

SuperSquirrel13 . . 2y Everytime I touched her, I would smell of egg. Like holding hands, egg.. Hug her, my shirt would smell of egg. Strangest bit was, she didn't smell like that whatsoever. Also, when I broke it off, the egg smelling stopped. So IDK. ... 35.9k

Tags

Scroll down for the next article

MUST READ

John Early Is Figuring Out How to Be Sincere

As the star of the sharp new indie ‘Stress Positions,’ the irreverent comic works in a more serious vein. He tells Cracked why he’s getting comfortable with being earnest — even if he’s scared everyone will think he’s pretentious

Authors
By
Published
Comments
Comments 0
Forgot Password?