John Early Is Figuring Out How to Be Sincere

As the star of the sharp new indie ‘Stress Positions,’ the irreverent comic works in a more serious vein. He tells Cracked why he’s getting comfortable with being earnest — even if he’s scared everyone will think he’s pretentious

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30 of the Wildest Things Found by Amusement Park Workers

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30 of the Wildest Things Found by Amusement Park Workers

“Please do not scatter ashes on the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland” is an actual request, not a joke. Aside from it being an incredibly inconvenient biohazard, your loved one’s remains are just getting sucked up with a big hose and tossed into the trash, not peacefully riding their favorite attraction for the rest of eternity. 

Along those lines, the amusement park workers of Reddit have recalled the most bizarre things they’ve found while on the job, and I have a lot of questions about the backpack full of decapitated baby dolls.

 . 7y I used to be a landscaper at DisneyWorld. Sometimes we'd start at midnight and work until 8 before guests would arrive. For god's sake, people need to stop throwing trash in the planters. There are tons of trash cans everywhere that suck the trash away through an underground vent. I hated picking out forgotten half-eaten turkey legs and other food wrappers in the coleus beds. ... 1.9k

imstock 7y I worked Parade Audience Control at Magic Kingdom several years ago and we had some interesting moments. The worst was not after the park closed though but during operating hours, in the early afternoon. We were tasked to always keep an eye out for suspicious activity as we were one of the only guest facing cast members who were allowed to transition from one land to the other (otherwise if you were from Frontier you could never be seen in Fantasy Land in your costume, etc.). We were called over to setup a perimeter around a trash can

kliffOrd . 7y Used underwear, a chest x-ray, blood in strange places, and an unopened but (by the time we found it) melted stick of butter. Also, I guess it's not that strange, but I found a really expensive DSLR camera with two big lenses. Too bad I found it with the tire of a 14 ton boom lift. ... 12

nurimoons . 7y My BIL found a stash of baby dolls in a backpack once. They were all naked and most had their heads removed and then replaced, with a head that obviously didn't belong to that doll. The front pocket made it even creepier. Не found a box cutter and a small Tupperware container full of what he assumed was fake blood. I didn't want to know the rest of the story. ... 856

jacobdotexe 7y So this wasn't after close, this was during full operation in the middle of the day. My friend manages a smaller retail store on the main strip of an amusement park, I manage a store across the way. One day he called me into his store to find a human shit just sitting in the middle of the floor. The guest had even gone as far as to put one of the tall novelty wizard hats we sell over top of the poo to cover it up. I'm not sure how they were able to poo in the

 7y This happened during operating hours... Working a water coaster ride. (the things that have the logs that float down a river and then go down a slide) I'm at the loading station, people getting on and off etc. And people tend to leave stuff behind like bags or something because of the possibility of losing them on the ride. So one day, there is this thing... It looks like a sloth. I don't know what the hell it is. But it is this weird looking slothy fur thing and it has been sitting at the ride now for

Phantom_Scarecrow 7y Didn't Find them, exactly, but after the Magic Kingdom in Walt Disney World closes and all the guests leave, feral cats come out and prowl around the park. We would see them occasionally, skulking around the hedges in Frontierland. RUN, Mickey! ... 1.3k

jackfear 7y он MAN I've been waiting to tell this story. I worked as a lifeguard in California's Raging Waters about ten years ago. It's really REALLY easy to break into the park at night (or at least it used to be, not sure if things have changed). There's one really steep, really tall ride called Dropout that's famous for two reasons: 1) it's scary as fuck when it's your first time because your back doesn't touch the slide for a second and you freefall and 2) girls lose their tops on it all the time. Well, one early morning,

grizzlycycle . 7y I worked a janitorial gig at SeaWorld for a summer ('09). It wasn't after hours but I was making my rounds through the bathrooms one day to find that someone had taken a dump in one of the sinks. It wasn't a one-pincher either; it was a full bombs away session. Forget the 20 stalls that are available in each bathroom, right? Needless to say, it was a very shitty job. ... 37

Clonephaze. 7y A dead, half decapitated, body. Technically the park wasn't closed yet but still.

setmehigh . 7y More condoms than you would believe, in lines. If you've ridden the Volcano at Kings Dominion, people be getting it on in the line. ... 3.1k

GreasyDagoWop . 7y Cleaning out the picnic shelter in the park i came across a cooler left behind. I was curious so i opened it up. The first thing that hit me was the smell. I cant even describe it. It was a cooler full of vomit. Like, A LOT of vomit. One of the most disgusting things i have ever seen. ... 1.6k

Bioslug . 7y Dentures while on janitorial duties under a roller coaster ... 638

 7y We didn't find it but we stopped a rollercoaster briefly to have maintenance look around for a guest's glass eyeball that fell out during his ride. ... 3.1k

progress_dad. 7y I found a genuine leather wallet with gold lettering displaying I Love Salad. and care instructions in Chinese. ... 27

kittyrobot.7y A frying pan. ... 74

СРЕМ . 7y FBI badge, ID card, and handgun. The agent was extremely relieved to know we hadn't called the local FBI office to report what we had found. ... 253

dc668012 . 7y Saw a prosthetic leg fly off the Raptor at Cedar Point once, I laughed harder than I should have ... 5.1k

Cellar Door . 7y One year someone kept hiding little pictures of Bob Hope. I found one in an ice bucket. They were found on rides. In cash registers. In gardens. For the entire summer Bob Hope would turn up when you least expected it. This was at Idlewild in Pennsylvania. ... 1.1k

 7y A water bottle 90% full of semen. I was kinda impressed ... 330

PoisonRamune 7y Worked at Disneyland through college... Aside from the stuff that's been mentioned before; the weirdest thing I saw was some teen trying to bury drugs in a ride's planter. I can only assume he had an annual pass and was leaving the drugs there for grad night (an event where high school grads party at the park all night before graduation) later that week. In a distant second place a backpack W a poorly made false bottom filled w/ about $15 in Taco Bell tacos (I guess those guys really wanted to beat the price gouging in the

LtMelon . 7y I had to keep a snake at bay with just a broom and dust pan ... 102

GustoGaiden 7y It's not as exciting at some of the other ones, but when I was working at a pizza joint in an amusement park, someone wrote a note on their tray using salad dressing that read not worth $17.95. Entirely accurate statement. I showed it to everyone I worked with, and we had a big laugh. To whoever left the note, thanks for the brief distraction. ... 266

JDogg_of_RS . . 7y My friend worked at Six Flags. Не was sweeping up some trash when a racoon wandered by, brandishing a used tampon in its teeth. ... 312

1030423 . 7y Worked at LaRonde in Montreal a few years back. We had trouble with a clogged toilet. Finally brought the big guns in, the plumber pulled out half a bra. Who flushes down a bra??? ... 827

AccidentallyBrave . . 7y I worked as security at a theme park. I have found so many weapons and bottles of alcohol. People always claim they forgot they were in there bag. Who forgets a giant bottle of Chardonnay is in their bag? ... 501

vulvasaur_ent . 7y I used to work at an amusement park on a pier about 30 feet above the ocean. During my closing routine one night I found a live fish about the size of my hand in the middle of the walk way between some carnival style games. I was really confused at first but then I realized a bird probably dropped it out of its mouth earlier. ... 33

 7y Not necessarily after hours, but in the bushes at the front entrance of the park I worked at, people hid jars of weed, $100 pocket knives, selfie sticks, and GoPros (they aren't allowed to bring the GoPro sticks but think the sign meant the whole thing I guess?) never have I ever been tempted to take stuff like that before. But as security we had to confiscate that stuff and throw it away.. Good times, good times. ... 65

zecharin 7y People like to spread ashes on the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland. We don't wait until the park closes to clean that up because they count as a biohazard, so custodians stop the ride, suck it up with a vacuum and unceremoniously throw them out. Don't scatter ashes where people have to keep spaces clean folks! Your loved ones will just end up in the trash. ... 24

ParkInTheNest.7 7y I found a backpack with like 100 old socks in it after the park closed one night. All of the socks were black. ... 5.7k

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John Early Is Figuring Out How to Be Sincere

As the star of the sharp new indie ‘Stress Positions,’ the irreverent comic works in a more serious vein. He tells Cracked why he’s getting comfortable with being earnest — even if he’s scared everyone will think he’s pretentious

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