32 Crazy, Funny or Straight-Up Unbelievable Stories About Divorce

‘She took all the door knobs!’
32 Crazy, Funny or Straight-Up Unbelievable Stories About Divorce

There’s a since-deleted tweet that read, “Divorce is funny because you decide you hate someone so much that you have to get the government involved.” A lot of these Redditors would agree that’s exactly what happens. Instead of parting amicably, some people use divorce as one last petty kiss-off to the person they made a life with. And while that’s sad for them, it provides laughter and cautionary tales for the rest of us. Like, surely that one guy never anticipated that his ex-wife would break into his apartment and lick all of the cutlery. But she did. 

To that end, here are a few stories that serve as reminders that maybe you never truly know the person you married — until you get divorced.

marierosa . Зу Used to work as a file clerk for a divorce attorney. Our client was trying to get full custody over her child because her husband was dangerously neglectful of their son. How was he being dangerously neglectful? By serving spaghetti (instead of turkey) for thanksgiving. I wish I was making this up ... 281
McFeely_Smackup Зу I read about a case where the wife was trying to take half of a guys business and millions in personal assets, only to find out that the business had been moved into his sons name years earlier, and the guy donated all their savings, millions of dollars, to a childrens hospital in his soon to be ex-wife's name so she couldn't get the money. The judge said what he did was technically legal since it was community property and no freeze had been placed on it yet, but was morally unconscionable. Lawyer said in his entire life
drlitt Зу I was an assistant for a family law practice, not a lawyer. So it was already a disaster of a divorce because the ex husband was a dick. But it got so much worse when the wife started dating someone new with a severe cat allergy like a year after they split up. Her psycho ex bought a cat on his time with the kids, except he's not allowed pets at his apartment. Не sends the kids back to their mom's house with the cat and all its stuff. Mom is pissed because she didn't want a cat
SilverDubloon 3y Not a lawyer, but a child of divorce. My parents owned a couple duplexes in town as well as our house. They had saved enough up to pay a property off in full and my dad convinced my mom that it was better to pay off one of the duplexes instead of the house. A couple months later he files for divorce and only asks for the paid off property. Не got it, lived in one side and rented out the other and stuck my mom with 2 kids and 3 mortgages (and of course refused to pay
ChetRipley 3y My ex did a good job of tricking me that we were having a nice, cordial, easy divorce until she asked me to sign a couple of quick, easy things. She was in a real hurry and got upset that I said I needed a couple of hours to read through them. Turns out she got someone to sneak in there that I was emotionally abusive (which was the opposite of the truth). I had to end up getting my own lawyer because of her shady shit and mine said she could have essentially taken anything and all
 Зу Не owed her $500 as part of the settlement. Не brought two buckets of unsorted coins (mostly pennies) to our office. She took the light bulbs out of every fixture when she moved out, then refused to give him right of first refusal if she wanted to get rid of their dog. She spent a year and a half systematically destroying their business and then expected him to pay her hundreds of thousands of dollars for her share of the (now worthless) business. ... 392
bryantpark6688. 3y I am no longer practicing but when I was active I practiced in a small firm. We represented the wife in a divorce against her husband who was a very prominent business man. As a show of force by the husband he purchased the building where our offices were located and proceeded to make small but annoying changes. Parking spaces were moved to furthest spots. Elevator would randomly be down for maintenance (our offices were located on the top floor). Cleaning schedule and crews would sporadically change. The firm's lease also happened to end during the divorce representation
clarketl29 Зу A friends ex wife and he settled their divorce with her getting the house, a hefty chunk of retirement, all the gifted jewelry and his Harley she had gifted him for his birthday. A few weeks later, a robbery occurred and the only thing that was stolen was the jewelry that he had gifted her, which was intended for their daughter. She tried to file an insurance claim on the jewelry but forgot to get appraisals and add as Riders so the max insurance paid was $1,500 for over $20,000 of jewelry. Suspicion is she staged it but
Much_Difference . 3y Not my divorce, but my divorce lawyer told me about a case she was involved in where both clients were so petty that they had to all meet to argue over literally every single scrap of everything. The final object that neither would settle on was a ceramic rabbit statue, a really generic one from Home Depot or whatever. Zero sentimental value but since it was the final item, neither side wanted to lose the last thing and they dragged it out over 3 separate meetings for this one thing. I don't remember which ended up getting
franichan e Зу Not a lawyer. But my partner has a mate who was going through a messy divorce. Не registered as a gambling addict and went to some gambling anonymous (or whatever it's called) and proceeded to go to the casino every day, taking wads of cash with him, pretending to gamble it all away, while he was secretly squirreling it all away. That way, when it came to the divorce and he was questioned where all his money went, he could prove that he lost it all through his gambling addiction and never had to pay her a
Kona2012 . 3y Not a lawyer but one of my drinking buddies just went through a nasty divorce. One of the things she pitted against him was ~$15k a year spent at a bar. Sounds bad, but 90% of the time they were both there, but he always paid with his card. But now he looks like an alcoholic. ... 408
walnut100 . Зу Not a lawyer but was a legal intern for a divorce attorney a few years back. Dumbest fucking divorce I ever sat through lasted over two years because they refused to let each other get any ground. I was only there for the last year of the divorce but they argued over who got the Christmas ornaments for 4 months. Pro tip: If you're ever in a divorce, saying sure, take it is infinitely cheaper than your invoice would be otherwise. ... 129
Slagathar1 . . Зу Divorce lawyer here. Spouse had been out of the house for weeks. She waited until he was on a business trip, came into the house, turned on all of the faucets, plugged the drains, turned off the furnace, and left. It was -10 degrees . Не came back five days later. The house was ruined. The water froze and cracked the foundation. ... 24.6k
PompeiiDomum . . 3y I'm in a different area of law, but my coworker had a client in a messy divorce where the parties were required to split up some antique pots. When the husband delivered the wife's share of the pots to our office, he took a shit in each one of them. It was a whole big incident ... 859
NAbsentia . 3y Watched a 14 million dollar settlement, which took months to achieve, abandoned when the parties came to who would keep the cat. For that, there was a week long trial. Jurors wanted to euthanize them both and take the cat home themselves. ... 125
the_falconator. Зу I knew a guy that got out of the military at 19 years so his ex wouldn't get half his pension. Не would rather get nothing than give half the pension to his ex if he stayed in one more year. ... 978
GonnaGoFat Зу I knew someone who screwed the other person when she asked for her sewing machine. She had moved from Ontario Canada to Alberta. The guy didn't want to send it but it was entitled to her and she agreed to pay for the shipping said money was no object. So he sent the machine by taxi. A drive that distance usually takes about 3 days. ... 35
Armada5 . Зу Had a client whose wife wanted him out of the house. I told him not to leave, just move to a different bedroom for the time being because once he was out the chances of him ever getting back in were slim. Не texted his wife and told her he was staying in the house. She called back and left a VM that she wanted him out and if he wasn't out soon, she would start taking out her unhappiness on the children, and would remind the children that mommy was being mean to them because daddy
envy_313 . . Зу Not a divorce lawyer, but my grandma fucker her divorce lawyer before she served her husband the papers, got pregnant, and then convinced her husband it was his. Не paid child support for 18 years and never had a clue. Pretty shitty, the lawyer had a family of his own. They have no idea my mom and my family exist ... 5.5k
aprilalberta . 3y The divorce lawyer my mother in law had to fight had a case so vicious that they wanted everything split right down the middle, up to the block of cheese in the fridge. And she won that case. I can only imagine how long it took to split everything in the house. ... 72
btchsslutsswhore . 3y I worked in family courts when first starting out. The most memorable case I saw was the woman took literally everything out of the house. She ripped out the carpets even. ... 1.3k
MsStormyTrump Зу I am an interpreter who works frequently with police and lawyers. The most out there thing I ever interpreted in court went like this: Ms. So-and-So, we know each other for a long time, correct? Yes. As a matter of fact, we have known each other for five years, correct? Yes. And at the end of each and every meeting we had during the past five years, we always agreed on one thing, correct? Yes. Please, tell the judge what we agree on. It's not okay to break in my ex's apartment and lick all his cutlery. Yet,
NegligentNeanderthal . . 3y I'm a lawyer but have had a very limited amount of experience in divorce cases. The first case I ever worked the husband shaved/waxed every single hair off his body in an attempt to avoid a court-mandated drug test. Edit: a word. ... 4.5k
cannabisandcrabs . 3y Paralegal for a divorce lawyer here. Our client told us he didn't clear out the marital account after the parties filed. Which technically is true, because while he removed $45,000 he left about $3.50 in there. ... 8.9k
 . 3y A soon-to-be ex-husband left his wife's prized Koi to die on the doorstep of their house. Apparently the value of these fish (six in total) was over $100,000. She was, according to her lawyer, so distraught that she couldn't be in court. Only in LA. ... 9k
SheZowRaisedByWolves . . 3y Not a lawyer, but an older cousin's ex-wife tried to get literally half of the house in a divorce. Like... She wanted to have half of the house removed and demolished just to spite my cousin whom she had cheated on (???) ... 209
cherly-doodles . 3y Caught having an affair with personal yoga instructor. Sought for maintenance to pay for yoga classes. - -- ... 72
Tittybean22. 3y I'm not a divorce lawyer but my parents got divorced about a year ago. My mum didn't want my dad to show up in court because he would contest and then they'd have to split the assets. She phoned me and told me to put laxatives in his food so he wouldn't be able to make it there. ... 4.5k
hypertensivedoe . . 3y Legal Secretary here: We're presently fighting the court to let this man recieve his entire alimony in Live Chickens. The court has said cant you just use the money to buy chickens? he has remained steadfast that he will not accept money, only chickens. ... 48
YotalamYourDriver . Зу My very first divorce client asked me to hide the kitchen knives when the spouse did their walkthrough to select personal property to be split. Queue the is this real life? Face. Little did I know this is par for the course. I only did a few more family law cases before running for the hills. ... 40
JortsEnthusiast69 . 3y Once had a boss who had to leave his house for 6 hours while his ex wife grabbed all the belongings she was legally entitled too. When he returned home every knob and handle was gone. Door knobs, cabinet handles, drawer handles, anything that was screwed onto something and used to open it, she had taken. Every day for the next week he would occasionally yell out SHE TOOK THE FUCKING KNOBS ... 5.7k
DV2 . 3y Not my client, but after a divorce, the ex-husband bought the shopping center where his wife had a consignment store so he could evict her. ... 31
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