11 Foreign Insults We Need to Import Immediately
In any culture, there’s a good chance you’re going to meet somebody who’s a colossal ass. It’s part of the human condition and the balance of the universe. For every person who goes out of their way to help someone, there’s another who’s made the villainous life decision to cut in any line imaginable. Which means, many times, even an annoyed “hey asshole” doesn’t carry the necessary weight.
And while America is a country with a wide expanse of insults used to address such assholes, but we don’t have a monopoly on them. Other countries have cooked up their own lovely ways to tell someone to get fucked, too.
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Here are 11 insults from other languages that deserve at least a respectful smirk…
Hackfresse
Some people say that insulting someone’s appearance is cruel and unnecessary. Those people are dogshit in group chats and not much better at a bar hang. Any day, I’d prefer someone who’d hit someone with hackfresse, a German insult meaning “a face like ground meat.” Get bent, burgerface!
Evolutionsbremse
If you’ve ever heard someone utter something so stupid that you feel like they just took civilization back 10 years, the word you want to use is evolutionsbremse. It’s another bit of German gold that translates as “evolutionary brake.” It’s a good way to let someone know that the way their synapses fire is a step backwards in the realm of brain function entirely.
Agyilag zokni
Sometimes, someone is so mentally vacant that you wonder if their brain was stolen or replaced entirely by some sort of malevolent fae creature. In Hungary, if you deliver a sentence deserving of complete stunned silence and pity? You might hear agyilag zokni, meaning “Mentally, you’re a sock.”
Domm wei drai Meter Feldwee
Describing someone as stupid with a poetic phrase is a beautiful one-two punch. First, you get the message across, and second, it’s hard for them to understand, only driving the point home further. It’s the intellectual equivalent of beating up a short guy with a ladder. In Luxembourg, one way you could inform someone of their mental inequality would be to describe them as domm wei drai meter feldwee, which means “dumb as three meters of dirt road.”
Hjulet snurrar men hamstern ar dod
The emptiness of a target’s head is a rich landscape for creative insults. We’ve all enjoyed hearing someone described as a shed, deck of cards or box of crayons missing a couple of key tools. In Sweden, they have their own rich metaphor for a barren brainpan, which is hjulet snurrar men hamstern ar dod, which translates to “the wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.”
Ti fel rhech mewn pot jam
For whatever reason, the Celtic countries have developed a well-earned reputation for devastating digs. God bless you if you decide to wear a daring new hat in Ireland or Scotland, since you probably won’t make it to the corner store without a cut soul. Wales is no slouch either, home to the insult ti fel rhech mewn pot jam, or “you’re like a fart in a jam jar.”
Saang gau caa siu hou gwor saang nei
Cantonese is a notoriously difficult language to learn, partly due to the fact that intonation can affect the meaning of words. Put in the effort, though, and not only will you open up a world of communication with a new subset of people, but you can also say things like saang gau caa siu hou gwor saang nei, meaning “giving birth to roasted pork would be better than giving birth to you.”
Nyitott szajjal szaladt a faszerdobe
There’s a deep, complicated relationship of domination, gender roles and machismo behind the global popularity of telling someone to suck a dick as an insult. All of which is zero fun to go into, and ignores the fact that it’s just, aurally, a delightful turn-of-phrase. Other countries, as we’ll see in the next few entries, have taken this basic action and embellished it. For example, Hungarians have built a whole world from the act, saying nyitott szajjal szaladt a faszerdobe, or “they ran in the forest of dicks with an open mouth.”
Vai chupar um canavial de rola
If you thought that was about as graphic as the combination of agriculture and fellatio could get, you’d be wrong. That string of Hungarian seems positively PG compared to a Brazilian saying. Specifically, vai chupar um canavial de rola. It translates to: “Go suck on a sugarcane field of cock.” The imagery! You can’t not immediately visualize it, like a much grosser version of that trick where someone tells you not to think of a red car.
Lund phenk ke maarunga, khaandaan chud jaayega
A stalwart way to elevate any insult is to bring the target’s family into it. Expand the blast zone to include someone’s mother, and you’re almost guaranteed to get swung on. With that in mind, if you like all your teeth, don’t walk around India spouting off the Hindi phrase lund phenk ke maarunga, khaandaan chud jaayega. You would be telling everyone in earshot, “I’ll throw a dick at you, and your whole family will get fucked.”
Pendejo
For the final entry, let’s take an insult that most people have probably heard in passing, unless you live in the most landlocked, lily-white part of the country. It’s more specific and gross than I assumed, however. My guess would have been that it just generally meant someone was being a penis, but it in fact describes someone as a single pube.
