15 Jokes to Delight a Pessimist

Even miserable jerks can enjoy comedy!
15 Jokes to Delight a Pessimist

Comedy isn’t just for happy people. Some of the biggest pricks in the history of the planet have considered themselves the funny guy. Here are a few jokes you too might enjoy — if you’re a huge piece of trash… 

Anthony Jeselnik on Loving Thy Neighbor

“One of my next-door neighbors is a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s. Every single morning at 9 a.m. he knocks on my door, and he asks me if I’ve seen his wife. Which means that every single morning at 9 a.m., I have to explain to a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s that his wife has been dead for quite some time. Now, I’ve thought about moving. I’ve thought about not answering my door in the morning. But to be honest, it’s worth it just to see the smile on his face.”

Frankie Boyle Telling on Himself

“Animals don’t watch porn, do they? Unless you include my cat.”

Jimmy Carr Has the Cure for Chronic Poverty

“I saw a charity appeal in The Guardian the other day, and it read, ‘Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water.’ And I couldn’t help thinking, ‘She should move.’”

Ricky Gervais Has a Hard Truth for Garfield

“Mondays are fine. It’s your life that sucks.”

Katherine Ryan Found the Exception That Proves the Rule

“Nobody starts something hoping it will fail. Maybe a suicide bombing?”

Michael McIntyre on What Keeps Him Young

“You don’t get that much fun when you’re an adult, do you? The most fun we get is revolving doors.”

Paul Merton on Controlling Your Vices

“There are various ways to give up smoking — nicotine patches, nicotine gum. My auntie used to pour a gallon of petrol over herself every morning.”

Russell Howard Would Let Hitler Live

“If I could travel back in time, I would prevent the world’s greatest evil: ‘Mr. and Mrs. Bieber, for the sake of humanity, use this condom!’”

Sarah Millican on the Biggest Changes You Undergo in Motherhood

“From what I understand about childbirth, it changes you ‘downstairs.’ I like my downstairs the way it is, thank you very much. I certainly don’t need an extension.”

Some Gorgeous Imagery from Suzy Izzard

“Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist. ‘I’ve done your dog. It’s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs.’”

Jack Whitehall on Customer Service

“I do not like customer service, I think it’s an ugly thing. I like going into a shop anywhere in this country and knowing exactly where I stand — knowing that I’m a piece of shit.”

Lewis Black What It Means to Pass Bipartisan Legislation

“A Republican stands up in Congress and says, ‘I got a really bad idea!’ And the Democrat stands up after him and says, ‘And I can make it shittier!’”

This Jim Norton Burn Is Dark, But My God Is It Unique

“I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.”

Doug Stanhope on Your Friends’ Kids

“Babies are like poems. They’re beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they’re silly and they’re irritating.”

One More Jeselnik Banger for the Road

“When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.”

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