20 Killer Lines from ‘Comedy Central Presents: Mitch Hedberg’

‘Alcoholism is a disease. But it’s the only disease you can get yelled at for having’
20 Killer Lines from ‘Comedy Central Presents: Mitch Hedberg’
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Even now, in the year of your lord 2024, if you attend an open mic, chances are good there’s going to be at least one guy ripping off Mitch Hedberg. When I say ripping off, of course, I mean without any of the success that Hedberg found. Sometimes he’s written off as relying on his unusual delivery, but I think anyone who says that hasn’t taken the time to realize how much effort has clearly gone into the wording. Watching his first Comedy Central Presents, it’s already chock-full of classics that people still repeat today, so it’s no surprise he reached such legendary status.

/ wrote a script and gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he said he really likes it but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, F**k that, I'll just make a copy.
/ think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. And Pringles is a laid-back company. They said, f**k it, cut 'em up.
Wearing a turtleneck Is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day.
When I was on acid I would see things, like beams of light. And I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
Because of acid I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bulls**t.
I played in a death metal band. People either loved us or they hated us. Or they thought we were ok.
People who smoke cigarettes, they say, Man, you don't know how hard it is to quit smoking. Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.
When someone tries to hand me a flier, It's kinda like they're saying, Here. YOU throw this away.
When a bar has blacklights, everyone looks very cool. Except for me. Cause I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
You know, if you had a couple fingers missing you would draw a screwed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident.
You see like turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna. Somebody needs to tell the turkeys, man, just be yourself.
A security guard came over and said, You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit. As though if there was a fire, / wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I see a jar of jellybeans, it said, guess how many jellybeans are in the jar and you win a prize! Aw, c'mon man. Lemme just have some. I'll tell you what, you guess how many I want. If you said, a handful, you are right.
My friend came up to me and said this: You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. It's like, dude, you gotta give me time to guess.
I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for a donut. I give you the money, you give me the donut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this.
Alcoholism is a disease. But it's the only disease you can get yelled at for having.
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
/ wanted to buy a candleholder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
You know, you can't please all the people all the time, And last night, all those people were at my show.
I like a escalator, man, because a escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.

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