20 Classic and Grumpy George Carlin Lines

‘If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?’
20 Classic and Grumpy George Carlin Lines

George Carlin might be the single most beloved curmudgeon of our age, with his only rival being Larry David. It’s a testament to his charm that a guy who was known for being pissed off at pretty much everyone was borderline worshipped after his passing. It takes serious charisma and comedy chops to complain as poignantly as he did, and even more impressive, most of it holds up. 

Here are some of his best lines…

CRACKED If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? -GEORGE CARLIN
CRACKED Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom. -GEORGE CARLIN
CRACKED Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. -GEORGE CARLIN
CRACKED This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal. -GEORGE CARLIN
CRACKED The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. -GEORGE CARLIN
CRACKED Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning. -GEORGE CARLIN
CRACKED Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe. -GEORGE CARLIN
CRACKED The future will soon be a thing of the past. -GEORGE CARLIN
CRACKED If God created everything, he's got a serious quality control problem. -GEORGE CARLIN
CRACKED Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? -GEORGE CARLIN
CRACKED Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole. -GEORGE CARLIN
CRACKED Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. -GEORGE CARLIN
CRACKED Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. -GEORGE CARLIN
CRACKED Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. -GEORGE CARLIN
CRACKED Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? -GEORGE CARLIN
CRACKED When you're born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. -GEORGE CARLIN
CRACKED Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience. -GEORGE CARLIN
CRACKED Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'? -GEORGE CARLIN
CRACKED Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. -GEORGE CARLIN
CRACKED Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. -GEORGE CARLIN

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