30 Unbelievable News Stories That’ll Make You Do That Squeaky Eye-Rub Thing

Man, we wish we could accurately type out that squeaky sound
30 Unbelievable News Stories That’ll Make You Do That Squeaky Eye-Rub Thing
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There’s no way these are real, right? They just have to be Onion articles. As far as we can tell, they really went down, but you might want to check for yourself afterwards. There’s a lot of deepfaking going on lately, which makes these supposedly true news stories seem crazy enough to doubt.

We trust our Cracked journalists, so as of right now, we’re still believers in the unbelievable.

The Woman With the World’s Longest Nails

WEIRD WORLD The woman with the world's longest nails had them cut. Ayanna Williams grew her nails for nearly 30 years, and they reached a length of just over 24 feet. The removed nails will be displayed in the Ripley's Believe It or Not! museum in Orlando, FL. CRACKED.COM

The Cannabis Ambulance

WEIRD WORLD Maine has a cannabis ambulance that makes house calls. IOAL MARIJUANA RACTITIONERS - - I - TIFICATION UNIT MEDICAL MATOFINA 210-OMMP People living in the Greater Portland area can receive a visit from the ambulance, which allows people who can't leave their house to meet with a licensed clinician as part of the process for getting their medical marijuana card. CRACKED.COM

The Stolen Patrol Car

WEIRD WORLD In Kansas, a suspect handcuffed behind his back apparently stole a Highway Patrol car. 1999PER (not the same car) Officers then chased him at speeds over 100 mph, for 30 miles. It's still not clear how he did it, but the Highway Patrol spokesman said As a high-speed pursuit driving instructor for 20 years, I can only assume he was using his knees. CRACKED.COM

The Woman Who Shot Up A Burger King Drive-Thru

WEIRD WORLD In Memphis, a woman shot up a drive-through Burger King because of how long her order was taking. - ВК CHICKEN NUGGETS 5=$2.50 BURGER KING BURGER KING BURGER KING DRIVE THRU Cortion 17a 19 She left her car, went to the drive-through window and then started arguing - after that, she started shooting. Nobody was hurt, but she got away. CRACKED.COM

Baby With Three Penises

WEIRD WORLD A baby with three penises was born in Duhok, Iraq. (not a photo of that baby) The case study was published in the International Journal of Surgery Case Reports, and it's the first recorded human instance of triphallia, or having three penises (diphallia, on the other hand, wouldn't be new -- it shows up in roughly 1 in 5-6 million births). CRACKED.COM

Kicking Out The Guests

WEIRD WORLD A Florida resort suddenly closed and kicked out all the spring break guests. CHAMPIONS *WORLD* FRANCE 8660 On Thursday, April 1st, employees at Champions World Resort started knocking on guests' doors and telling them to pack up and leave by 4 PM, because the resort was sold. CRACKED.COM

A Lizard in the 7-Eleven

WEIRD WORLD A giant lizard terrorized a 7-Eleven in Thailand. It was a six-foot-long monitor lizard, and it entered from a canal near the store and proceeded to climb up on shelves while customers and workers hid (amazingly, it didn't eat anything). Reptile handlers soon showed up and took it away. CRACKED.COM

Sued for A Merch Mistake

WEIRD WORLD Fort Lauderdale police got sued for mistaking Star Trek merch for real weapons. Because they thought brothers Raymond and Randall Purcell had actual guns lining their wall, they felt threatened, and used excessive force against them. CRACKED.COM

The Lawnmower Police Chase

WEIRD WORLD In lowa, a guy tried to run away from the cops using a lawnmower. RYOBI James Howard Harrington robbed a garage in Waterloo, lowa at 4 AM one night, then got caught on security camera and tried to drive his John Deere lawnmower (laden with stolen goods) back home. CRACKED.COM

Calling 9-1-1 Because of Dog Poop

WEIRD WORLD City authorities in Plymouth, Minnesota, urged people to call 911 on dog owners who don't clean up after their pets. They're also looking for volunteers who would act as dog etiquette ambassadors. CRACKED.COM

Death by Butt Injection

WEIRD WORLD A Dallas woman was sentenced to 5 years for killing someone with a butt injection. She injected a nightclub dancer with liquid silicone in 2015, which ended up killing the dancer when the silicone entered her bloodstream. CRACKED.COM

Ruining A Painting

WEIRD WORLD A young couple in Seoul accidentally ruined a painting worth almost half a million dollars. Paints and brushes were exhibited with the painting, and they thought those were for guests to use on the artwork. That was not the case, and they ended up vandalizing a $440,000 painting. CRACKED.COM

Quickest Bees in the West

WEIRD WORLD A New Mexico guy found 15,000 bees in his car after leaving it for 10 minutes. Albertsons Не went to buy groceries, and only noticed the gigantic bee swarm when he got back in the car and started driving away. CRACKED.COM

The Florida Woman Who Hit Two Innocent People While Trying to Run Over Someone Else

WEIRD WORLD A Florida woman who hit two people with her car said she was trying to run over another person. Phedeline St. Felix hit a grandmother and her grandson, but she was actually trying to hit a woman she'd been arguing with at a park. CRACKED.COM

The Hillbilly Ambulance

WEIRD WORLD A guy in Lincoln, Nebraska, drove someone to the hospital in a front-loader's bucket. Jordan Evans showed up at the hospital, driving the front-loader while drunk, and had the bad luck to run into police there. The man in the bucket was injured, though, and at least he got him to the hospital. CRACKED.COM

A True Cat Burglar

WEIRD WORLD In Michigan, a burglar demanded a guy's cats at gunpoint. The burglar woke him up around 4 AM and, at gunpoint, asked for his two cats. Не only took one cat, and was soon found by the police. CRACKED.COM

The Guy Who Went to the Police Station to Get His Wallet Filled With Drugs

WEIRD WORLD A West Virginia dude went to the police station to get his lost wallet (which had drugs). 6-6 78 6 72th 5-6 66 5 And the truck he drove to the station with also had drugs .. so he was arrested. CRACKED.COM

Allergic to Sweat

WEIRD WORLD In Crawley, England, a fitness instructor with an allergy to sweat won a legal victory over the gym that tried to fire her. Due to her Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Ali Burton can't pick up or handle sweaty gym towels, and got fired for that by Nuffield Health - - but the court gave her back her job, with certain modifications. CRACKED.COM

Driving to Court in a Stolen Car

WEIRD WORLD A man in New York state drove to a court appearance in a stolen car. 32-14 Mark S. Cooper, a suspect in several larceny cases, stole a car in Rensselaer, NY, then drove in it to Troy, NY for his appearance in Troy City Court. Troy police quickly caught him, though. CRACKED.COM

A School’s Mullet Ban

WEIRD WORLD A school in Perth, Australia, banned mullets. Perth's Trinity College, an elite private school for boys, called the mullet untidy, non-conventional and not acceptable at Trinity College. CRACKED.COM

Post-Mortem Debt

WEIRD WORLD Apparently, two NYC mortuary workers racked up big credit card debts for dead people. The feds accused them of buying a total of about $20,000 worth of stuff, including plane tickets to Florida, using credit cards taken from dead people (and at least three credits cards stolen from the living). CRACKED.COM

Horse in the Gas Station

WEIRD WORLD In Bozeman, Montana, a guy rode his horse into a gas station. The station said he can come back, but only if he leaves his horse outside, and added that customers leaving their horse outside is mandatory from now on. CRACKED.COM

The Pilot’s Hot Mic

WEIRD WORLD A pilot flying over San Francisco went on a rant against the city without knowing his mic was on. Не said, F-k this place, goddamn liberal f-ks. F-king weirdos, probably driving around in f-king Hyundais, f-king roads and s-t that go slow as f-k. You don't have balls unless you're f-king rolling coal, man, goddamn it. Не got fired for it. CRACKED.COM

A $370,000 Rock-Paper-Scissors Debt

A QUEBEC JUDGE CANCELLED A $370,000 DEBT FROM ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS. In 2011, two guys played three rounds of rock-paper-scissors for 517,000 Canadian dollars. They even signed a notarized contract, and the loser had to mortgage his house, but the judge still ruled that the debt was invalid. CRACKED.COM

Fighting Extinction With Toad Sperm

WE HAVE A NEW WAY TO FIGHT EXTINCTION. Scientists managed to make a toad from sperm that had been frozen (they named him Olaf). That means we could have a bank of frozen amphibian sperm and eggs, and make baby amphibians whenever we need to. Amphibians are the vertebrate group with the highest percentage of species going extinct, so this is a pretty big win. CRACKED.COM

Chipotle

CHIPOTLE HAD TO PAY THE LARGEST EVER U.S. FOOD SAFETY FINE. CHIPOTLE MEXICAN GRILL CHIPOTLE MEXICAN GRILL They had to cash out $25 millon for sickening over 1,100 people from 2015 to 2018. Plus, they had to admit to playing a part in five food-borne illness outbreaks, including a 2015 Boston outbreak that got 141 people sick and that probably happened because an ill apprentice manager was ordered to keep working. CRACKED.COM

Canada Banned Assault Weapons

CANADA BANNED MILITARY-GRADE ASSAULT WEAPONS. The ban on 1,500 types of weapons took effect immediately, but there will be a two-year amnesty for owners and a buyback program. CRACKED.COM

Saudi Arabia Ended Flogging

SAUDI ARABIA MADE ITS JUSTICE SYSTEM A BIT MORE HUMANE. King Salman The kingdom ended flogging (until this decision, it held public floggings) and the death penalty for minors. Awwad Alawwad, the head of the government's Human Rights Commission, said this helps establish a more modern penal code. CRACKED.COM

A.I. Can’t Be An Inventor

THE U.S. PATENT OFFICE RULED THAT AN AI CAN'T BE AN INVENTOR. 8 It denied applications for a food container and a flashlight invented by an AI named DABUS, and said that only natural persons can be awarded patents. DABUS' applications were rejected in the UK and Europe, too, with basically the same reasoning. CRACKED.COM

Re-Discovering Extinct Apples

WE RE-DISCOVERED 10 EXTINCT APPLE VARIETIES. It was the work of the Lost Apple Project, a non-profit group that, so far, found 23 apple varieties thought to be extinct. They find apple trees through tips, and send the samples they find to a conservatory so that the variety is never lost again. CRACKED.COM

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