25 Hilarious Stand-Up Jokes From the Best to Ever Punch A Line Square in Its Funny Face

More killers on this list than death row
25 Hilarious Stand-Up Jokes From the Best to Ever Punch A Line Square in Its Funny Face
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“Killing” is a pretty violent term for describing what a joke does, but maybe that’s because when the laughs are this big, you really do feel like you’re dying of laughter. “Bombing” is pretty violent too, but it’s an apt term for describing the bomb that goes off in a comedian’s soul when a joke doesn’t land.

We wouldn’t know. Everything we’ve ever written has had a hilarious punchline. 

Ooh, “punch” line. There’s another violent term right there. This seems like a dangerous game we’re playing, so please read at your own risk.

Demetri Martin

Employee of the Month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield Misreading the Situation With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl; she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

Chris Redd

All this talk about the debt ceiling and climate change, but nobody talks about the fact that nobody in here knows one person who drives or operates a blimp.

Andy Kindler

Andy Kindler on Swinging My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

Jim Gaffigan

X No one likes to work out. That's why there are personal trainers. Why don't you just hire someone to tell you that you look good?

Taylor Tomlinson

Taylor Tomlinson on Her Brief Engagement I got engaged, but it didn't work out. It's okay; it wasn't that sad. The ring-it felt weird. It kept getting caught on stuff like sweaters and my freedom.

Mark Normand

The hot dog is the perfect symbol for America - it's enjoyable, but the more you look into how it was made, the less you wanna know. MARK NORMAND

Samantha Bee

CRACKED Let's look at everything the Bible says about abortion. Oh, look! There it is, in the Book of Doesn't Exist. SAMANTHA BEE

Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

John Mulaney

John Mulaney on His College Spending His 120K Tuition What kind of cokehead relative is my college? You spent it already? I gave you more money than the Civil War cost, and you fucking spent it already? Where's my money?!

The Aspiring Stand-up

I had a history teacher who was an aspiring standup comedian, and tried to teach his material through comedy routines. I got in trouble for not laughi

Zach Galifianakis

I called a temp agency once. They were like, 'Do you have any phone skills?' I was like, 'I called you, didn't I?' ZACH GALIFIANAKIS

Gilbert Gottfried

CRACKED GILBERT GOTTFRIED A man goes to the doctor for a check-up, and the doctor exams him and says 'I've got bad news, you've got cancer and Alzheimers.' The man goes 'Thank God I don't have cancer!

Ali Wong

You single people, you don't know what it's like to eat a cold quesadilla that your toddler threw on the floor, because it's easier to put it in your mouth than travel to the trash.

Neil Brennan

NEAL BRENNAN I think people with depression have the reputation for feeling sorry for themselves or they fell into a bad mood and were too lazy to get out of it. But, believe me, I'm not lazy, nor did I approach this lazily. Like, I went to a psychiatrist and a psychologist. If you don't know the difference, congrats for having a great life. CRACKED

Source: Neil Brennan ‘3 Mics’ on Netflix

Jimmy Carr (For A Second Time)

Jimmy Carr People worry about their physical appear- ance, we all have our silly hangups. For instance, I'm worried that one of my balls is bigger...than the other two. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW

YouTube

Norm Macdonald (Again)

Norm Macdonald CRACKED.COM I once walked in on my parents having sex. It was the most embar- rassing thirty minutes of my life. Thirty min- utes?! Damn... Norm's dad was something.

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