29 Jokes That Made Us Laugh — Or Died Trying

These will have you rolling in the aisles (or your eyes rolling in the back of your head)
29 Jokes That Made Us Laugh — Or Died Trying

Things are going to roll today! Sorry, we can see how that could come off as threatening. To be clear, heads aren’t going to roll. We’re not some bloodthirsty medieval kings or anything. 

While gathering up jokes from the biggest comedians, shows and movies out there, they got us thinking that you might either roll in the aisles laughing, or your eyes might roll all the way around like wheel on The Price Is Right. That’s all we meant. Apologies for the horrifying confusion.

Steven Wright

Steven Wright I figured I'd go for a walk, she said 'how long are you gonna be gone?' I said, 'The whole time. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW

The Office

CRACKED MICHAEL SCOTT PUTS TOBY ON BLAST (THEN BLAST AGAIN). THE OFFICE If I had a gun with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.

Chandler Bing

CRACKED.COM I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? -Chandler Bing, Friends

Mike Birbiglia

Mike Birbiglia I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, 'Do you guys hate me? Second place goes to someone who ends every sentence with I forgot what I was going to say. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW

Flight of the Conchords

Flight Of The Conchords Jemain: My father is a women's rights activ- ist. Brett: Not your mum? Jemain: Mum, No. Dad wouldn't allow that. No way. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW

30 Rock

CRACKED JACK'S NEW ENGLAND ROOTS HELP THIS BURN. 30 ROCK You do have the wind-battered face of a New England cod fisherman, if that's what you're asking.

Jimmy Carr

Jimmy Carr People worry about their physical appear- ance, we all have our silly hangups. For instance, I'm worried that one of my balls is bigger...than the other two. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW

Parks and Recreation

CRACKED WE COULD DO AN ENTIRE LIST OF APRIL'S JERRY BURNS. PARKS & REC Can you photoshop your life with better decisions, Jerry?

Andy Bernard

I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a carpenter that makes stairs -Andy Bernard FFLIX DUND MIFFI PARCH - - 1st Qu - - - - - - - - .. - - the to THE - Book - - - - - - - - Memo the office CRACKED.COM

Will & Grace

CRACKED KAREN WAS A TAD UPSET ABOUT HER BIRTHDAY INVITATIONS. WILL & GRACE I think the real mistake was when your father spotted your mother across a crowded swamp, dragged her back to his hut, and made you.

Star Lord

DON'T FORGET I'M HALF HUMAN so THAT 50% OF ME THAT'S STUPID, THAT'S A 100% YOU. -Star Lord, Avengers: Infinity: War CRACKED COM

Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx I once shot an ele- phant in my pajamas, and how it got in my pajamas l'll never know. A certified classic (I certified it just now). CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW

Steve Martin

Steve Martin CRACKED.COM That explains it! I saw the movie Crouching Tiger Hid- den Dragon and was sur- prised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. Then I realized why: they're crouching and hidden.

Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield CRACKED.COM Is Rodney still king of the one-liner? When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through.

Bo Burnham

Bo Burnham CRACKED.COM Oh THAT'S how it works. For 15 cents a day you can feed an African. They eat pennies.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller CRACKED.COM Marry a young blind man if possible. Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight

Norm Macdonald

Norm Macdonald CRACKED.COM Who came up with this abbreviation? ID is a strange abbrevia- tion. I is short for I, and D is short for den- tification.

Jim Norton

Comedians on depression I came out of a horrible depression... when the train is pulling into the station and you back up against the wall say to yourself, 'Don't do it, don't do it, you gotta wipe your hard drive first, don't do it.' -Jim Norton CRACKED.COM

Jake Weisman

Comedians on depression ACT Sometimes I get depressed for vain reasons. Last winter I got depressed because I could tell I was gaining weight, because my belt stopped fitting around my neck the same way that it used to. -Jake Weisman CRACKED.COM

Tig Notaro

Comedians on depression O I suffer from depression, or as my father puts it, 'No, I don't.Wshin - Tig Notaro CRACKED.COM

Rebecca O’Neal

Comedians on depression I'm a depressed extrovert and that's unacceptable, because my whole personality is, 'Everybody check out how sad I am!' -Rebecca O'Neal CRACKED.COM

Serenity

Serenity mocks itself. The chant used to turn off River is a Russian idiom meaning this is ridiculous. CRACKED.COM

Silicon Valley

Silicon Valley trolled its own hardcore fans. 01100110 01101001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01100001 00100000 01101000 01101111 01100010 01100010 01111001 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01100111 01101111 01100100 00100111 10100110 TOCCOTTO 11001110 00000100 TISOTTIE 01100110 01101001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01 00001 00100000 01100118 00000100 TODIIIIO 01000110 01000110 TITIOTIC 00010110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01 11100100 00100110 TITIOITO IIIO EN 11001110 00000100 TISOITTO 10100118 100 01110110 тевтетте 01100118 00000100 10000110 00000100 00 erecette IIIIOITO 000tette 110 01111001 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 111 01101111 01100100 00100111 01110011 00100000 01110011 10100110 HOTELLO 100 In the fifth season's trailer, Gavin Belson speaks in front of

Jeremy Jamm

Jeremy Jamm's wall decor reflects his level of appreciation of Chinese culture. In Parks and Rec, Jeremy Jamm's Chinese poster says North Korea in Japanese. Pretty appropriate for someone who says, I love Chinese crap. Lucy Liu, 'Gangnam Style,' sushi, etcetera etcetera. CRACKED.COM

Taylor Tomlinson

Comedians on depression I have a lot of friends that are like, 'I tried to get on antidepressants. I just didn't like how I felt on them. I didn't feel like myself on them.' Now that I'm on them, I'm like, 'Yeah, me either, it's the best. - Taylor Tomlinson CRACKED.COM

30 Rock

Liz Lemon's favorite cheese snacks in 30 Rock have the saddest flavor in the world. DIRI DISHING WEEK SABOR TDL SOLEDODIE I YA EOMU CALURENTES Their name is Sabor de Soledad, or in Spanish, Taste of Loneliness. CRACKED.COM

Rugrats

A Rugrats Chanukah snuck in an adult joke for anyone who knows Hebrew. S CUT RATE The sign on this storefront says mohel. A mohel is a Jewish circumcision specialist. CRACKED.COM

Daniel Sloss

Comedians on depression 'Back in my day, we didn't have depression or anxiety, we just called it being sad and we got on with our days.' ... That's the equivalent of me saying, 'Back in my day, we didn't have breast cancer. We just called it 'itchy tits' and died at 37. - Daniel Sloss CRACKED.COM

Demetri Martin

Demitri Martin CRACKED.COM Don't burn your toast while having a stroke. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of cha- rades.

Tags:

Scroll down for the next article

Must Read

VIRAL ON CRACKED

A WEEKLY
NEWSLETTER OF
JOKES + TRIVIA

Forgot Password?