44 of the Funniest Tweets from Wednesday, March 5, 2025

That doesn’t sound half bad
44 of the Funniest Tweets from Wednesday, March 5, 2025

Nikki Glaser: Comedy icon, Taylor Swift superfan and Conan O’Brien’s new muse? 

At the Oscars, O’Brien riffed on Glaser’s Golden Globes bit in which she dunked on the nonsensical nature of Timothée Chalamet’s last name with a little help from Adam Sandler. On Monday’s episode of Live With Kelly & MarkGlaser got candid about the late-night legend’s decision to reprise the joke, saying, “It was so awesome,” and admitting that she “selfishly” dubbed the moment as her favorite of the night. 

Glaser isn‘t the only one getting candid either. In a moment of surprising lucidity, podcaster Andrew Schulz revealed that complaining about cancel culture has proven lucrative for himself and other dude-bro comics like Joe Rogan. In a conversation with the L.A. Times, Schulz asserted that “censorship in a way is kind of good for comedy,” because “it kind of affects the way that we do our thing and that’s happened throughout history,” noting that complaining about cancel culture has launched the careers of “really prolific comedians.” 

That said, not every joke has to be about the culture wars and “woke” — just ask the comedians on the timeline. Today’s funniest tweets include those about Ben Affleck’s Goldilocks situation, flirting like a straight man and when it’s okay to pour oil down the drain.

Mira Gonzalez @miragonz.22h when the D.A.R.E. program came to my elementary school, they told us that every time you smoke weed one memory gets erased. and even as a kid that was appealing to me 99 4,149 75.3K del 1.1M
tatyana ;) Subscribe @tatbaee how it feels when all the baddies like my story 10:55 AM Mar 4, 2025 1M Views
sweetie ... @cwtyp No kids at my wedding. Gonna Uber the flower girl home when she's done 9:51 AM Mar 3, 2025 6.3M Views 642 23K 283K 5.9K
koffie @koffie.live ... @koffie_ch rent. Throne @official_throne.2 22h POV: You won $1000 where are you spending it? twitch SEPHORA ALT ALT ULTA Uber Eats BEAUTY ALT ALT 11:30 AM Mar 4, 2025 . 565.7K Views
stoned cold fox ... @roastmalone_ idk think it's a goldilocks situation and he needs to find the third Jennifer that is just right Page Six Page Six @PageSix. 17h Ben Affleck would love 'another chance' with ex-wife Jennifer Garner if the 'timing is right' trib.al/PQ3GBWw 7:38 PM Mar 4, 2025 1.2M Views
tess ... @finalgrlcomplex My therapist just called me on the shores of the spectrum isn't that beautiful II GIF ALT 9:56 AM Mar 4, 2025 . 1.1M Views
Sean Becker ... @Sean_Becker FRIEND: you know the Muffin Man? ME: yeah he lives on Drury Lane. FRIEND: how do you know that? ME (showing him google results on my phone): he's a registered sex offender 8:58 PM Mar 4, 2025 26.9K Views
caitie delaney ... @caitiedelaney Ok I'm actually gonna need someone to enter into a deeply loving and committed romantic relationship with me so we can split rent 11:15 AM Mar 4, 2025 378.8K Views 35 2.1K 19K 742
WholesomeMemes Subscribe G ... @WholesomeMeme What's dis Dis an apple What's dis imgflip.com 9:30 PM Mar 4, 2025 227.4K Views
WholesomeMemes Subscribe @WholesomeMeme chantel @5HInvasion don't go in COME SEE .MY CAT zander @finah but i want to see the cat 3:30 PM Mar 4, 2025 259.8K Views
charlie ... @bellagcth hanging out with chronically offline people is so much fun because you regurgitate one half assed joke from twitter and they tell you to go into stand up 4:52 PM Mar 3, 2025 339.2K Views
Sam Austen @booktycoon Erewhon this, Erewhon that. My grocery store has a stolen-phone ... laundering machine and lets me open-carry. SAFELY & & SECURELY An iPhone XR could net you up to $65 SELL YOUR PHONE instar TURN YOUR COINS INTO HOLIDAY CHEER! Instant Cash for Phones - - ENCY PUSH TO OPEN Label H ONO License Need Help? Touch Here (858) 255 4111 BELLE Cash www.ecoATM.com Flabel Trash ecoATM CAUTION AUTOMATIC Hi E I 6:29 PM Mar 4, 2025.25.5K Views
alan b. ... @inceptstellar never seen him in anything but Cosmo Jarvis might just be the coolest name ever PORTES Film Updates @FilmUpdates 22h Cosmo Jarvis joins Christopher Nolan's 'THE ODYSSEY.' 11:56 AM Mar 4, 2025 904.6K Views
mount bellyache @mountbellyache this must feel so good for a train. to be held Massimo @Rainmaker1973 Mar 3 The coupler: a key invention in train history WHICH IS THE DEVICE CONNECTING TWO TRAIN CARS 1:42 PM Mar 4, 2025 470K Views 15 1.7K 22K 402
b @wwxwashere insane ao3 author note, 10/10 Hey guys! I have good news and bad news. Good news first: I got shot, so now I can describe it realistically in writing! Yay Bad news: I got shot. In my shoulder. So writing this chapter took a while. Sorry about that hahah. (not to mention now I gotta make sure one of your favorite characters get shot oooopsie) 6:08 PM Mar 4, 2025 810.9K Views
juju $ Subscribe ... J @ayeejuju tf popeyes got goin on We can fight at this location SO think before you speak @kvantaydevan ekes POPEYES LOUISIANA KITCHEN + 12:00 PM . Mar 4, 2025 636.6K Views
JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD ... @joaeyfordic3 The less friendly side of Canada TM Chris Miller, PhD @NSwilderness Mar 3 The world is about to see a less friendly side of Canada, I'm sorry. 1:18 PM Mar 4, 2025 113.6K Views
Jules. @schumisnoopy Mar 4 G ... just for this I will call it big circle that plays music Vintage Rock @VintageRockN_85 . Mar 2 Thoughts? THIS IS CALLED A 'RECORD' NOT A 'VINYL' 89 1.7K 40K 512K
L ... @bajanbiatch Why America gotta fall apart when it's my turn to get my life together 8:33 PM Mar 4, 2025 707.5K Views 163 11K 63K 1.1K
sahaj ... @doordashedcigs push away your friends ghost your psychiatrist start smoking 12:00 AM Mar 4, 2025 501.5K Views
mannii minogue ... @mannie_petty Luigi s*x tapes and Mayhem about to drop, what a week to be Italian American 11:28 AM Mar 4, 2025 543.5K Views
Paul Muad'Dib ... @trygraptor they'll kill you for this on filmtwt GIF I like Anora. 2:36 PM Mar 4, 2025 575.9K Views
Steven ... @nonregemesse ВСЕ/СЕ is a cowardly euphemism Lazzyyyyyy @em_Lazzy . Jul 14, 2024 What opinion about dating will have you like this ? ou. 6:38 PM Mar 3, 2025 5.1.3M Views
sona ... @swiftlydunphy fun fact about my mom she literally doesn't use alarms. like she just thinks about what time she wants to wake up, and her body just... does it? she doesn't even take her phone upstairs and just has a clock in her room Theo @TWsufc Mar 2 How did people used to get up on time without alarms 7:57 PM Mar 3, 2025 11.9M Views
Wild TikToks с Subscribe ... @wildtiktokss thought i bagged me an emo boy why am i wad i E ... fishing in a river + 265.6K ... 2764 14.5K 2:42 PM Mar 4, 2025 .. 59.6K Views
Tyler Austin Harper ... @Tyler_A_Harper First a market crash and now a Dust Bowl. It's getting a little on the nose. NEWS WIRE NewsWire @NewsWire_US. 19h Eerie scenes in Dallas as dust from the West blankets the city. 6:11 PM Mar 4, 2025 . 988.9K Views
J5 ... @noheartinhim back on my ferb shit ion wanna talk 12:26 AM Mar 3, 2025 1.3M Views 48 22K 62K 3.7K
duck Subscribe ... @ExtremeBlitz_ Guts Is ramadan a tiktok challenge or something 1d Reply 53.7K 7:32 AM Mar 4, 2025 3.3M Views
Fender Belly @fender_belly.I Mar 3 G ... Hamlet: ette @themcels Mar 3 Automated DEATH TO UNC 9 1.9K 25K 661K
cashewrising O ... @cashewrising tariffs on mexico start tomorrow a tequila soda is about to cost $53 Nassau MEXICO Key West Cat Tel Havana va Trinifad #thisisacrisi 8:50 PM Mar 3, 2025 284.8K Views
nyah! ... @JINKIESBTCH everybody swing on they coworker tomorrow i don't care which one just do it 5:28 PM Mar 4, 2025 1.8M Views 256 12K 95K 3.8K
cam ... @largemotorcycle Do not EVER text while driving. Please use the giant iPad attached to your dashboard 2:16 PM Mar 4, 2025 925.8K Views 1 3.7K 84K 708
steven laundromat ... @evilmegryan It's actually okay to pour the oil down the drain if you're just renting 10:32 PM Mar 4, 2025 28.2K Views 2 54 1.3K 12
circe ... @crownofcirce Member Wicked Wicked if they gave Elphaba a gun 7:07 PM Mar 4, 2025 392.4K Views
Coren O ... @CorenLaVolpe You guys remember when Pixar had actually interesting art direction and not soulless corporate blobs? Blox @PeriBloxV2 Mar 3 Win or Lose continues the trend of Pixar moms being bad af 5:05 PM Mar 4, 2025 5.22.2K Views
Images Al Could Never Recreate @imagesaicouldnt art r/196 196! Join u/ohhaithisjosh 4y This restaurant had a framed photo of Fender. There were no other photos. 2:00 PM Mar 4, 2025 17.2K Views
woof pronouns woofington G ... @woofgonecrazy when u flirting with him and bro or dude slips out 8:41 PM Mar 3, 2025 5.371.4K Views
0 ... @YETABOi Replied to your story: Krishna @Michea1Kaiser • Mar 4 flirt like a straight man, GO 11:33 AM - Mar 4, 2025 519.6K Views 134 2.1K 16K 509
... @mugIerette now....how can I get this for 30$ INTERIOR PORN @INTERIORPORN1. Mar 3 'Bonsai' a beautiful sculptural bookshelf by designer Brodie Neill Chairs EART NOW MIES 8:41 PM Mar 3, 2025 659.5K Views
Sabrina Carpenter Daily @SCdailyupdates sabrinacarpenter 14s im active today how do u manage to stay so positive? delusion 1:37 PM Mar 4, 2025 702.9K Views
jynx ... @jynxbby thinking he liked me because he said he did 2:37 PM . Mar 4, 2025 138.1K Views 23 1.3K 10K 527
Tom ... @Flynny123 Just got called 'young man', happiest I've been in 2025 8:27 AM Mar 4, 2025 . 286.4K Views 10
Wild TikToks с Subscribe G ... @wildtiktokss how it feels asking that one friend that is ALWAYS + way too busy to hangout 817.9K ... 15.2K 48.0K 1:42 PM.Mar 4, 2025 . 69.7K Views
fräulein sansa 2.0 ... @bakkheian From People Kristin Davis admits she didn't want to break up with Alec Baldwin because she loved his Hamptons house 5:33 AM Mar 5, 2025.244.4K Views

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