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Melt it down and turn it into a Sprite bottle or something

40 Ridiculous Headlines That Aren’t Worth the Microfiche They’re Printed On

November 24, 2024

The news is pretty bleak, but at least we have the heat death of the universe to look forward to.

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40

Chess

WEIRD WORLD A top-ranking chess player was promised a night of passion with a porn star. A Russian porn star gave that promise to lan Nepomniachtchi, if he beat Magnus Carlsen and became world champion (which, alas, didn't happen). CRACKED.COM — Source

39

Infrastructure Week

WEIRD WORLD A newly built road got damaged during, uh... its own inauguration ceremony. At the ceremony in Uttar Pradesh, India, an official smashed a coconut on the freshly-built road - and cracked it. CRACKED.COM — Source

38

Crypto

WEIRD WORLD One Tesla owner started using his car as a crypto mining machine. KA - And he says his Tesla makes him $800 in cryptocurrency every month. CRACKED.GOM — Source

37

Weed

WEIRD WORLD A Louisiana Senate candidate has an ad in which he smokes marijuana. I hope this ad works to not only destigmatize the use of marijuana, but also forces a new conversation that creates the pathway to legalize this beneficial drug, and forgive those who were arrested due to outdated ideology, he said. CRACKED.COM — Source

36

Warhorses

WEIRD WORLD We've learned that medieval warhorses were way less awesome than we thought. Apparently, scientists say that, it turns out, warhorses at the time were no bigger than ponies today. CRACKED.COM — Source

35

Fatou

WEIRD WORLD The oldest gorilla in the world just celebrated his 65th birthday. Fatou the gorilla has resided in the Berlin Zoo since he was two years old. Now that he is at retirement age, he should consider moving to a zoo in Florida. CRACKED.COM — Twitter

34

New York City

WEIRD WORLD Apparently, an epidemic of noisy sex is sweeping New York City. People are complaining more and more about their neighbors having really loud sex. CRACKED.COM — Source

33

QAnon

WEIRD WORLD A singer at a QAnon conference forgot the words to the National WWGTWGA WHERE Anthem. WE GO ONE WHO ALL It was a conference at the Dealey Plaza in Dallas, Texas, that gathered hundreds of QAnon members, too. CRACKED.COM — Source

32

Suez Canal

WEIRD WORLD They've announced an emergency in the Suez Canal because of one ship. It's Ever Given, the ship that already blocked it once -now it's back, with an even heavier load. CRACKED.COM — Source

31

Tiger King

WEIRD WORLD You can now watch a TikTopera based on Tiger King, if you want to. It's an actual opera that consists of 60-second TikToks, and the English National Opera provided the music. CRACKED.COM — Source

30

Joe Rogan

WEIRD WORLD Joe Rogan claimed that he's so flexible, he can actually go down on himself. T70 SOLS Which probably isn't even in the top 10 weirdest things he said that week. CRACKED.COM — Source

29

Eric Clapton

WEIRD WORLD Eric Clapton sued a 55-year-old German widow-and, yes, he actually won. What was the suit over? Selling a bootleg CD for $11 on eBay. CRACKED.COM — Source

28

Texas

WEIRD WORLD In Texas, golfers apparently shut down a home daycare. That's what the woman who ran it alleges - the golfers complained about the noise, she says, so city officials shut it down. CRACKED.COM — Source

27

ACAB

WEIRD WORLD Cops offered a teenager food from McDonald's for a false confession. myme McD m MyMeC Myttal M M on al And the charges against him were dropped when he was cleared, luckily. CRACKED.COM — Source

26

Meta

25

Kellogg’s

WEIRD WORLD The Mexican government seized 380,000 boxes of Kellogg's cereal. The reason? According to the government, cartoons on the boxes violate laws aimed at improving childrens' diets. CRACKED.COM — Source

24

Wow, That’s Pretty Racist

WEIRD WORLD Decathlon will no longer sell any canoes, so that migrants don't use them. In the North of France, that is-the fear is, apparently, that migrants would use them to get to the UK. CRACKED.COM — Source

23

The World’s Largest Potato

WEIRD WORLD The world's largest potato, an utter monstrosity, was dug up in New Zealand. The potato holding the Guinness World Record weighs 5 kg, but this one weighs 7.9 kg (or 17.4 pounds), so it'll probably take the #1 spot. CRACKED.COM — Source

22

Prince Andrew

WEIRD WORLD Prince Andrew's ex-wife says that nobody ever got persecuted as bad as her. Specifically, Sarah Ferguson said she was maybe the most persecuted woman in the history of the royal family. CRACKED.COM — Source

21

Dollar Tree

WEIRD WORLD Dollar Tree isn't going to price everything at just one dollar any longer. DOLLAR TREE Everything's $1.00 Instead, most things are now going to be $1.25. Perhaps disappointingly, it's not changing its name to Dollar-and-a-quarter Tree. CRACKED.COM — Source

20

Groundhog Day

WEIRD WORLD Just before Groundhog Day, a weather-predicting groundhog suddenly died. A Facebook post from the local government in NJ said, We Wranglers are sad to report that Milltown Mel recently crossed over the rainbow bridge. Considering the average lifespan of a Groundhog is about 3 years, that is not such a shock, but Mel left us at aED.COM — Source

19

Taxes

WEIRD WORLD The government wants to tax bribe money and stolen goods, too. No, really - the IRS recently stated that you have to report any bribes you got, or anything you stole, as income. CRACKED.COM — Source

18

Winnipeg

WEIRD WORLD The filming of a heist movie in Winnipeg was delayed by a real-life heist. - Canon XF305 NAT Before shooting could start, all the crew's equipment was taken. The irony is not lost on us, said the director. CRACKED.COM — Source

17

Axe-Wielding Maniac

WEIRD WORLD An axe-wielding maniac in Winnipeg demanded pizza from a delivery guy. The guy was delivering pizzas to another house in the neighborhood, apparently at the very worst time possible. CRACKED.COM — Source

16

Soul Train

WEIRD WORLD There's a new world record for a soul train line, and it's a total of 536 people. Black Entertainment Network organized the line in question, in New York City. CRACKED.COM — Source

15

The Biggest Losing Streak in NBA History

Biggest Losing Streak NBA CRACKED.COM The 76ers racked up 20 straight losses in the 1972 season. Fred Mad Dog Carter was named MVP, but suspected it may have been an insult: I wasn't sure whether it was for me leading us to nine wins or 73 losses. — 15 Embarrassing Sports Records No One Wants To Break

14

Russia

WEIRD WORLD In Russia, insults to the Prophet Muhammad violate religious freedom. That's what Putin says, anyway - according to him, insulting the Prophet isn't covered by the right to free expression. CRACKED.COM — Source

13

Taliban

WEIRD WORLD The Taliban are cracking down hard on members committing abuses. 3,000 members of the Taliban got kicked out - they were accused of committing abuses in Afghanistan and, according to a Taliban official, They were giving a bad name to the Islamic Emirate. CRACKED.COM — Source

12

London Olympics

The 2012 London Games were the first Olympics that had female athletes from all participating countries. Qatar, Brunei, and Saudia Arabia were the last countries to allow female athletes to compete. CRACKED.COM — New York Times

11

The Church of Latter-day Saints

WEIRD WORLD A billionaire in Utah left the LDS church and donated to an LGBTQ group. Specifically, he donated $600k - which is kind of chump change for him, but it's still pretty welcome, all things considered, especially since he stated the church is actively and currently doing harm in the world, including to LGBTQ people?ACKED.COM — Source

10

Vaccinations

WEIRD WORLD To get more people to get vaccinated, they used sheep and goats. Well, they arranged sheep and goats - 700 of them, into the shape of a syringe, in Germany. CRACKED.COM — Source

9

Excel

WEIRD WORLD The Excel world championship has taken place (sponsored by Microsoft, of course). It involves truly fierce spreadsheet warriors duking it out, and it's going to be broadcast on ESPN3 and YouTube. CRACKED.COM — Source

8

His Strange Addiction

WEIRD WORLD A guy in Lithuania swallowed over 2 pounds of metal in a month Apparently, it was his way of coping with quitting alcohol. Doctors removed all the metal (nails and screws) from his stomach, and he was fine. CRACKED.COM — Source: The Guardian

7

College Ring

WEIRD WORLD Somehow, a college ring was found 10 years after it got lost, outside a high school. (illustration) A high school student saw it on the ground took it home, and cleaned it up - and, it turned out, his mom knew someone who knew who had lost it. CRACKED.COM — Source: UPI

6

Noah’s Ark

WEIRD WORLD In Britain, they deemed a Noah's Ark replica unseaworthy and kept it from sailing away. It's a 230-foot-long ship that's been turned into a floating museum -- but Ipswich authorities said it has deficiencies, so it's not floating anywhere for now. CRACKED.COM — Source: BBC

5

Border Collies

WEIRD WORLD A Border Collie lost in a car crash was found herding sheep on a sheep farm. The dog was thrown out of a car in a crash in Idaho, and they found him on a nearby sheep farm days later, healthy and herding the ship. CRACKED.COM — Source: KHQ

4

Coca-Cola

WEIRD WORLD A North Carolina county banned Coke machines just to get back at Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola x THE PALASE 2785 Coke the Faut Coke Fauts 3pends pibly Pibb WATER Coca-Cola was against a recent Georgia election law, so Surry County removed all Coke machines from government facilities in response. CRACKED.COM — Source: The Hill

3

Guinness

WEIRD WORLD Two guys broke a Guinness World Record by walking up some stairs. Specifically, one of them was balanced on the other's head, and they made it up 100 stairs that way. CRACKED.COM — Source

2

Soccer

WEIRD WORLD Somebody collected 1,230 different soccer balls, setting a world record. That's according to Guinness, who certified that the Mexican collector broke their previous record. CRACKED.COM — Source

1

Tesla

WEIRD WORLD Because of a bug, the Tesla Model 3 farts very loudly at times. Apparently, the weird bug makes the car fart every time its doors were opened. CRACKED.COM — Source

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