40 Funny Jokes People Love Retelling

Did you know that before the invention of the crowbar, crows just drank at home?
40 Funny Jokes People Love Retelling

Having a go-to joke can ease the tension of all sorts of situations, but after a while, you need to refresh your supply. Thankfully, these Redditors have provided a bunch of one-liners, knee-slappers and quick-witted zingers from which to do so. They get even funnier if you imagine Rodney Dangerfield telling them. Like this one: “I told my doctor I broke my arm in three places. He told me that I should stop going to those places.” 

See? Pretty good!

degobrah 1y ago e I bought my friend an elephant for his room. Не said, Thank you. I said, Don't mention it. + Share 10K ...
GuyForgotHisPassword . 1y ago 9 One day, a man is waxing the car with his son. His son looks up and says, You know you can use a rag for this, right? + 11K Share ...
Ryandhamilton18 1y ago A sheep farmer has a talking dog. One day he asks it to get all his sheep into the pen. A little while later the dog says job's done, all 40 sheep accounted for 40!? I have 36 sheep, not 40 the farmer says. The dog replied I know, I rounded them up + 11K Share ...
Left_Strike_2575 E 1y ago e I told my doctor, I broke my arm in three places. Не told me that I should stop going to those places. + 14K Share ...
ApishGrapist 1y ago Did you hear about the guy that dipped his balls in a jar of glitter? Pretty nuts, right? + 21K Share ...
ElectricMayham . 1y ago Did you know that before the invention of the crowbar, crows just drank at home? 15K Share ...
AlphyCygnus 9mo ago An old man is lying on his death bed with his wife at his side. They had 3 kids but the last one, Steve, looked nothing like the first 2 so he was always suspicious. The old man looked at his wife and says: Hunny, it doesn't matter at this point but I need to know. Is Steve my son? His wife smiles and says: I swear to you, he is your son. The old man then dies peacefully. Then his wife says: thank god he didn't ask about the first 2. + 1.3K ...
pplazzz 9mo ago A police officer pulls over a semi truck. Не gets the usual license and registration, but hears strange noises coming from the trailer, so he decides to investigate. Inside, he finds 50 penguins. Sir, why do you have 50 penguins in your truck? The officer asks the driver Well, they're my friends, and we like to go on journeys together in my truck the man replies I'm sorry sir, but you can't just own 50 penguins. I'm afraid you're going to have to take them to the zoo The man agrees and drives off. The next day
Mr_TigerZ 9mo ago An Irishman walks into a bar. Не orders two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves. The next day, the Irishman returns, orders another two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves. Не continues to do this for some time, when one day the bartender questions him, How come you always order exactly two shots? The Irishman replies, well, you see my brother and I used to go out drinking every night, but he lives across the country now, so every night, I order two drinks. One for myself, and one for my brother. Things remain the
konydanza 1y ago A man is walking through the woods when he finds a suitcase. Curled up under the suitcase are a fox and four cubs. Не immediately calls animal control to report what he found. Oh no that's terrible, says the animal control worker, are they moving? I dunno, says the man, but I guess that would explain the suitcase. + 9K Share ...
e 9mo ago jethrobeard What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing. 156 ...
NancyintheSmokies4 e 9mo ago o How many New Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb? None of your fucking business. 169 ...
Joe-Schmeaux 9mo ago e What do dark humor and food have in common? Not everybody gets it. + 165 ...
SkyMortar65 9mo ago It's a silly dad joke one but it goes like this What has five toes and isn't your foot? My Foot 363 ...
chazbo26 e 9mo ago e How do you make holy water? Easy. Just boil the hell out of it + 514 ...
FunkiePickle . 9mo ago What do you call a black man flying a plane? a pilot, you racist + 509 ...
pomdudes 9mo ago e Blind man walks into a hardware store with his seeing eye dog. Picks the dog up by its tail and starts swinging it around over his head. Manager walks up and asks: Hello, sir. Can I help you? Blind man replies: Nah. Just looking around. 237 ...
e 9mo ago e giveme-adundie Why does a chicken coup only have 2 doors? If it had 4, it'd be a chicken sedan. And, why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels 354 ...
whitethunder9 9mo ago NSFW but hilarious... A penguin has his car break down and takes it in to get serviced on a hot summer's day. While he's waiting, he notices an ice cream parlor across the street. Не heads over and gets a nice, big, vanilla ice cream cone and sits on the curb and eats it. Since it's so hot outside, it melts a bit and gets all over the place, especially around his beak. Just then the mechanic calls to him and says his car is ready. Не heads inside, where the mechanic tells him, looks like you
jtowndtk 9mo ago two muffins are sitting in an oven one muffin turns to the other and says damn its getting hot in here the other muffin exclaims holy shit a talking muffin 548 ...
butterflypuncher 9mo ago D One of my go to's I actually found on here a while back: What's brown, and rhymes with snoop? Dr dre + 1K ...
Low_cards 9mo ago I was driving down the road and saw a hitchhiker. Being in a generous mood, I decided I'd give him a ride. After I picked him up and we started on down the road, he was very thankful, but said you aren't scared that I could be a serial killer or something? So I chuckled, looked at him and said the chances that we are both serial killers is probably pretty low, don't you think? + 1.2K ...
Catastophic_Fantasy 9mo ago A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say nice tie! Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said beautiful shirt. At this, the man called the bartender over. Hey...I must be losing my mind, he told the bartender. I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us. It's the peanuts, answered the bartender. Say
AlphyCygnus 9mo ago An old man is lying on his death bed with his wife at his side. They had 3 kids but the last one, Steve, looked nothing like the first 2 so he was always suspicious. The old man looked at his wife and says: Hunny, it doesn't matter at this point but I need to know. Is Steve my son? His wife smiles and says: I swear to you, he is your son. The old man then dies peacefully. Then his wife says: thank god he didn't ask about the first 2. + 1.3K ...
mossadspydolphin 1y ago A guy finds a magic lamp. Не rubs it and out pops a genie. You have found my lamp, says the genie, and in return I will grant you two wishes. Isn't it supposed to be three wishes? says the guy. Look in your pants, the genie replies. The guy looks in his pants. Holy shit! he exclaims. My dick is huge! Yeah, says the genie. I've been in this business for a while. + 2.1K Share ...
Blastoplast e 1y ago A man walks into his son's room. Не says, Son, if you keep masturbating you're going to go blind. The son goes, I'm over here Dad. + 2K Share ...
tooth28 1y ago A widow goes to the funeral director to discuss the arrangements for her late husband's funeral. She says one of his final wishes was to be buried in a black suit. The funeral director looks at the corpse and says, But maam, he's already wearing a very nice navy blue suit. Are you sure we need to change it?. She responds, yes, I'd very much like to honor his final wishes. The director says, ok. Please give us some time and we'll find him an appropriate suit. The widow drives home and once she gets through the
Mojo Darkoblivion . 1y ago How do you get an art major off your porch? Pay for the pizza. 1.7K Share ...
Sa7aSa7a 9mo ago A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender tell him Sorry, we don't serve strings here. Get out. The string walks out and unravels one end of himself and ties himself up a few times and walks back in and orders a drink. The bartender says Aren't you the string that was just in here? The string replies No, I'm a frayed knot Heard this joke probably 23 years ago. Still love it and tell it to people. + 1.6K ...
cmwpost 1y ago What do you get when you drop a grand piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor... + Share 2.3K ...
6ftCastle e 1y ago Where does a mansplainer get their water? From a well, actually. + 2.6K Share ...
President_Calhoun 1y ago . Little boy: I'm named after my grandfather. Man: Oh? What's your name? Little boy: Grandpa. 2.6K Share ...
JustSomeDudeOnReddit . 1y ago A limbo champion walks into a bar. Не was disqualified! 2.9K Share ...
Jotunheim99 1y ago . Edited 1y ago Why did the bike fall over? It was two tired. I repeat this several times at completely random intervals to annoy my friends + 3.3K Share ...
500SL 1y ago What's the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer? The taste. Doctor goes to write a note, and pulls a thermometer from his pocket. Не says Great, some asshhole has my pen. + 7.2K Share ...
bertmaclin8 e 1y ago e 00 Took my kids to the zoo and all they had was this little dog. It was a Shih Tzu. + 4.5K Share ...
cyberjar88 . 1y ago Why doesn't Oedipus use foul language? Не kisses his mother with that mouth. + 4.2K Share ...
pedddster E 1y ago Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo? Ones really heavy and ones a little lighter. Share 4.1K ...
CaptainAwesome06 . 1y ago . Edited 1y ago A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender said to him, hey, you know you have a steering wheel in your pants? The pirate replied, Arrrgghh it's driving me nuts!
MarshMallo15 9mo ago A Mexican magician tells his audience for his last trick he will make himself disappear! Не starts uno, dos ... poof ... he disappears without a tres 130 ...

Tags:

Scroll down for the next article
Forgot Password?