The Funniest One-Liner Jokes That Don’t Overstay Their Welcome

Tiny jokes that inspire big laughs
The Funniest One-Liner Jokes That Don’t Overstay Their Welcome

The key to a good joke is to get in and get out, then move on to the next one. Like Jerry Seinfeld told George Costanza, “When you hit that high note, you say goodnight and walk off.” Some comedians have that down to a science. Here are 15 one-liners that packed a whole bunch of comedy into a small handful of words… 

Mitch Hedberg on Communing with Nature

“I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.”

Norm Macdonald’s Biggest Fear

“They say that if you’re afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you’re actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I’m afraid of dogs.”

Zach Galafianakis on Maturity

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”

Rodney Dangerfield on Medical Advice

“With my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him, ‘I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.’ He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.”

Eddie Izzard on Personal Protection

“Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. And monkeys do too — if they have a gun.”

Rita Rudner on Plastic Surgery

“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso.” 

Mitch Hedberg on Fashion

“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy — all day.” 

Rodney Dangerfield on Father-Son Bonding

“When I was a kid, my old man never liked me. He took me to the zoo. He told me to go over to the leopard and play connect the dots.”

Sara Pascoe on Loss

“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.”

Steve Martin on the Perfect Woman

“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.”

Eddie Izzard on God’s Divine Plan

“If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.”

Demitri Martin on Revenge Strategy

“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”

Mitch Hedberg on Creative Ambition

“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.”

Anthony Jeselnik on Family Planning

“My sister and her husband lived next to a bunch of cell-phone towers, and they’re concerned it’s gonna affect the health of their children — you know, if they can stop having miscarriages.”

Rodney Dangerfield on Family

“My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”

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