60 of the Funniest Burns from the Week of August 19, 2024

What is wrong with them?!?!
60 of the Funniest Burns from the Week of August 19, 2024

Ian O’Connor has five books under his belt, including four New York Times best-sellers that have explored the lives and careers of legendary athletes. Now, the prolific writer is adding a sixth to his oeuvre. Out of the Darkness: The Mystery of Aaron Rodgers is said to be the “definitive portrait” of the (in)famous quarterback who makes just as many headlines off the field as he does on it. While O’Connor hopes the book will be his fifth best-seller, one Twitter user sees a different future for the biography: a fantasy league punishment. 

But the cruel and unusual torture of being forced to read about the Jets play caller was hardly the only sting-worthy burn this week. Others included those about a guy with four ovens, Chappell Roan’s fanbase and someone who looks like an imaginary friend.

Mia @driftgardens. 4d page one of chapter one lucía @eyretartt. 4d please don't make me get a job !! Chapter 1 pride ai Aes ре it is t is a truth universally acknowle pos I that a single man in possession good fortune, must be in want wife. However little known the feelin views of such a man may be on hi entering a neighbourhood, this truth well fixed in the minds of the surrou Pride & P Lizzy dreaming of D families, that he is considered the ri property of some one or other of 2005 DIREC daughters. Joe
B.W. Carlin @BaileyCarlin 1d you ever look at someone and just know they have a peanut allergy Richard Hanania @RichardHanania.2d Replying to @squirrelpsps Tattoos on women are generally disgusting. 448 3.4K 146K 3M
@MOTIVESTARK 6h if i had a nickel for everytime sabrina carpenter sent one of her exes back to god i'd have two nickels, which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice. Shawn Mendes @ShawnMendes . 8h Whether or not you're religious or believe in a god. sometimes you gotta scrunch up your face and listen to someone sing realllll good from deep in the soul. Medicine for a tired heart 102 2.7K 43K 1.1M
kendrick lobstar @KLobstar 1d if ever there was a sandwich that could kill you, this is it kurtis conner @kurtisconner . 1d thinking about the discontinued subway egg salad 42 431 11K 176K
Aaron Serna @AaronSerna 1d imagine your rep telling you Chick-Fil-A passed DEADLINE Deadline @DEADLINE.1 1d EXCLUSIVE: Chick-Fil-A is moving aggressively into the entertainment space with plans to launch a slate of originals for its own streaming platform deadline.com/ 2024/08/chick-... 25 380 5K 327K
ash @ANGELBABYBITTY. 2d Men apologize like Sorry I treated u like shit | was going through a lot..., I got a work email during work hours on a work day 5 352 4.1K del 90K
the Martha Stewart of this website @ktewoj 2d No this is just what white people in New Mexico look like gray @gracewein 2d is there a time traveler in the new mexico delegation 0005119-22 024 CHICA DN a DNC 2024 2 I 6 1.8K 56K 1.8M
nora the spider-man 3 enjoyer @venomyn... . 1 1d ... What a horrible thing to say about your best friend Culture Crave @CultureCrave. 1d Robert Downey Jr. says Jon Favreau is the 'Elon Musk of cinema' (via @AwardsChatter) 6.8K 153K 57 del 1.9M
mutable joe @mutablejoe 1d when i get divorced please don't use the photo where i dressed up as a bat SCREENTIME ScreenTime @screentime. 2d Jennifer Lopez has filed for divorce with Ben Affleck Mg Aw 38 1K 20K 773K
@cynicalgood. 2d Don't update us on this guy seriously FILM UPDATES Film Updates @FilmUpdates.2d Travis Kelce upcoming projects Ryan Murphy's 'GROTESQUERIE' series Lionsgate's 'LOOSE CANNONS' (action-comedy) 11 534 11K 287K
jonas / fio / melia @Star_isnt_funny.2d ... grade 3 dropout Tolu Of Canada @Not_Tolulope.2d The most useless buttons on the calculator. SHIFT ON ALPINA MODE SETUP 2 Abs x logall Va 10 x2 In x log since FACT COSA E un 7 of sin (-) hyp cos tan spot STO of و M- ENG ( ) M+ RCL SOD 7 8 DEL 9 AC nCr nPr 6 5 4 x Pol But STAT 1 2 1 3 + DRG nar And Rans know X X10* Ans 124 6.3K 127K 1.4M
jackdenzel** @BANKRLLFREAKFCK. 3d ... such a musty photo no shade IdkTest @IdkTest_06.4d DUBSTER ON 35 2.3K 46K 5
todd bonzalez @doinkpatrol. 2d fantasy league punishment just dropped 14 lan O'Connor @Ian_OConnor . 2d Publication Day is finally here! So many thanks to the thousands who pre-ordered & to those who entered the drawing (winner coming Friday)...And thanks to the outlets that allowed me time to talk about Out of the Darkness: The Mystery of Aaron Rodgers tinyurl.com/ 5j682hxu OUT OF OUT OF OUT OF OUT OF THE DARHNESS THE DARKNESS THE DARHNESS THE DARHNESS THE MYSTERY OF THE MYSTERY OF THE MYSTERY OF THE MYSTERY OF AARON RODGERS AARON RODGERS AARON RODGERS AARON RODGERS IAN O'CONNOR SAMPY Intertre IAN O'CONNOR
aí @goddamnblazee . 3d it's always taylor lautner attending the eras tour but never taylor lautner joins the cast of... Pop Base @PopBase 3d Taylor Lautner spotted attending the Eras Tour in London. 18 668 19K 542K
stoned cold fox @roastmalone_.3d the joy of watching bob's burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service 20 1K 23K 386K
Sock Is A Slur @leolaughhhhhh. 2d ... leo everyone has to realise chappell roan has been cursed with a fanbase of teenage bisexuals who've barely left their bedrooms since covid let alone kissed a girl. of course they've built the worst parasocial relationship since beatlesmania! 18 756 13K 366K
Sarah Solomon @sarahsolfails - 3d ... For what, the department of divorce unusual_whales @unusual_whales - 3d BREAKING: Donald Trump says he would tap Elon Musk for a Cabinet role 297 2.1K 43K 925K
Snow @Hoobydoobya.3d thank you community note we all say in unison Readers added context cancer en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cigarette Do you find this helpful? Rate it stefen @stefenrc 4d What do cigarettes even do x.com/jakewebber9/st... Readers added context cancer en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cigarette Show this note 17 4.5K 82K 699K
chris person @Papapishu - 6d After spending about a week on Vacuum subreddits and forums I now look at bagless vacuums with a disgust normally reserved for my most hated foes. 48 110 3.3K 226K
chefadyre @adyreisms 4d Is a requirement for all Trader Joe's locations is that the parking lot must be small and difficult to maneuver in? 405 1.3K 15K 407K
Lori @haylsho 4d 15 year old animated film beating Borderlands at the box office you love to see it V @Variety . 5d Variety Coraline is placing in the top five of the domestic box office. Fathom's 15th anniversary re-release of the stop- motion classic is expected to earn north of $10 million over the weekend. wp.me/pc8uak-1IEABt 22 2.1K 29K 530K
Gay Gay Hunsecker @stockpiledclay 4d ... That's because this was the set Cosm Class News Cosmic Marvel @cosmic_marvel - 5 5d Marisa Tomei when asked if there was a day from the 'SPIDER-MAN' sets that stood out to her: Nope.... 3 291 16K 208K
myaa Ig @myadrowning 10h ... STOP normalizing the British STOP normalizing the British STOP normalizing the British STOP normalizing the British STOP normalizing the British STOP normalizing the British STOP normalizing the British STOP normalizing the British 217 5.5K 25K 459K
Niko @gnosisle 3d Spirit Airlines is like what a non AP class was like in High School 28 1.1K 26K del 1M
Sophie Petzal @Sonic_Screwup 9h I am now prepared - and excited - for this to be the worst fucking film he's ever made. I can't WAIT. @worldofreel. 10h Reel Updates RIDLEY SCOTT says GLADIATOR II is the best film I've ever made and I've made a few good ones. tinyurl.com/48c5nwu4 115 1.1K 30K 1M
2 tims 1 cup @theVibesGuru 2h ... We saw you from across the lunchroom, TIM TIM ALZ (Reg and think you are really mature for your age HE LO ERIEND 13 329 3,880 96.5K
xdeadbeat @pr@dxdeadbeat.22h ... when i was 19 i i was dating this 32 year old woman who got very very upset when her friends asked me what we were doing for her 40th bday and thats when i learned she was, in fact, 39 49 458 14.1K 373K
david @davidefinitely 1d him getting further in spanish duolingo than she did was the straw that broke that camel's back Pop Base @PopBase. 1d Jennifer Lopez has filed for divorce from Ben Affleck, TMZ reports. 36 1,824 51.4K 1.5M
Sophie @sophlonglondon 18h ... we can tell NFL NFL @NFL.18h Year 20 8 8 83 1,687 53K 1.8M
Cheek Mills @gymgirllex 16h Не looks like an imaginary friend. D. Bryant @LakerG... 19h When you let your toddler pick their outfit. TR THE SHADE 400 450 5,433 43.7K del 2.1M
Matt @scriptumsent·1 17h ... Me (lying next to 4yo as he falls asleep, thinking about the brevity of life and trying to impress this very moment in my memory for when he is grown): I love you 4yo (whispering very softly): Daddy you need a mint 6 142 6,240 220K
Reji @RejiYates- 4h ... What strain of weed is this? Swiss X @BlxckSwiss_.1d Infertility is genetic, if your parents couldn't have kids you also won't. 49 1,732 8,427 334K
x-LUCIIAN is HYPERSTELLAR 11h ... dad posted that i was going to law school and his friend replied another liar in the making cc From MEME VIDZ 12 359 9,978 96.3K
arp @frootifan1989 14h .. straight girl just said her short (5'5) boyfriend was down to earth and got upset when i said oh I'm sure 17 348 14.3K 209K
Charlie @peacockbinch-2h Big day for gay nerds with too much money Robby 1/4 KINU KORI Le Creuset Official Pokémon Stacking Mug (Pack of 5) CDD 5 77 1,454 61.9K
thomas * @ThomasBe... 20h ... no one is more IN THE WAY than a white woman at Target 108 5,951 60.5K 1.4M
fab @fabbgrat.3h ... photo unrelated Pop Base @PopBase. 4h Today is National Poets Day. 45 969 26.6K 502K
Jim McNulty @yellowpackjim 18h ... Nothing more feeble than botching a screenshot on your phone. The volume symbol on the left followed by the screen going dark. Pathetic. 9 759 13.7K 215K
joe bro @jbromovies 20h ... All this for $3 opening weekend @Disc... 20h 4F DiscussingFilm Creepy CGI marketing for 'THE CROW' at the Statue of Liberty. In theaters this Friday. 23 S 75 1,445 45.7K 1M
Paris @goodyhilton .22h You are going to fart levy @1929stockcrash 1d hey guys! im on a new low carb diet so I replaced the sandwich buns with mozzarella-hope y'all recreate and enjoy Oce @DANIELA_DISH Cupidon It 0:07 39 1,437 35.3K 1.5M
$hady Spice. @iamshadyspice-23h ... A I Mum Lol...its because texting is not formal.english...the dots show you the pause in my thoughts...tell that man I said kiss my ass.... M Text Message Cash Malik Mclntyre @malikd... .2d I always wondered why when black people get older they start putting....in between their words... when they...text. Like where does th... 62 3,368 36.2K 768K
John Christo @WhitePepperG... 19h ... The fuck you need 4 ovens for with no family MFL MLFootball @_MLFootb... .20h MUST WATCH: том BRADY WITH A MESSAGE (basically) то TUA ABOUT HAVING HIS CONFIDENCE HURT BY HIS COACHES CRITICISM, in a video from back in January pic.twitter.com/ nq1bquW7rX If the coach was gonna be HARD ON ME, I was gonna ACCEPT THE DIFFICULT COACHING, BECAUSE NEED TO HEAR... Show more PAT 1.30.24 MCAFEE 23 ТОМ BRADY 7X SUPER BOWL CHAMP.. 3X NFL MVP... . GOAT SEATGEEK TICKER ble to play 23 years.. I just loved playing so much and never wanted
droid mom @droidxmom . dd my kids aren't allowed to watch a fake animated kids show because the girl dog is blue :- The Art of Purpose 3d PARENTS ONLY Do you believe it's appropriate to let your children watch Bluey - while they openly state that they are challenging gender norms? 'S of Bluey h Bluey is a gir ims to challe gender norms 489 3,738 72.6K 1.3M
uncle gworl @_uncle_gworl 13h ... the bushwick delegation is present ICAGO 30 PM BREAKING NEWS EMARKS BY UAW PRESIDENT SHAWN FAIN DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION 14 280 10.2K del 261K
m ID @BITCHLESSJAY.23h Running a Andrew Tate news account Tate News @TateNews_.3d What's an obvious sign of low intelligence? 68 7,486 161K 2.7M
marang a letsatsi. @sup3rsun 5h ... Women in male dominated spaces >> @thatafalooo.9h she said she cried cause she couldn't stop cheating bro 10 1,128 8,060 194K
galatic overlord reese @CENT... 15h ... if i was a tattoo artist and someone came in and asked for this i would beat them to death Jhonny ** @JhonnyWhi... 23h tattoing your partners name is in the past.. 70 3,008 72.1K 1.2M
chase @not_chasebank.19h ... just found out the olympic muffin guy is a married father of 4 children i thought he was like 17 73 2,456 89.5K 2.5M
sierrawuff MFM @SierraO... 16h ... SOON friend got mad at me for referring to their polycule as a ship of theseus situation 71 2,303 47K 722K
Ben Rosen @ben_rosen 18h ... yeah my wife says i'm demure. demure i talk demure she wants me to leave! 20 1,171 17.5K 474K
Zeraiya @ZERAIYAKO.2 21h Y'all doing bumps at the MOVIES?!? What happened to edibles oh my fucking god- holly thee nymphet-', 1d omg this validates me bad bc i was at the maxxxine screening doing bumps & felt a lil cracked out thinking about it later x.com/tvradioservice... 10 274 7,652 165K
Chairman Birb Bernanke 23h british people calling sprite and 7-up lemonade and referring to what americans call lemonade as cloudy lemonade is underdiscussed as a reason to hate the english 665 4,711 71.2K 3.1M
Good Willsmith @GoodWills... 23h ... ah yes the classic way to drink Malort, just an entire pint glass full of it down the hatch. we all do this here in Chicago as we gaze out upon the Al-generated skyline. a nice little treat for breakfast Socialists For Pritzker 2d Welcome to Chicago, Democrats. Enjoy your stay. MALORT 36 165 4,202 118K
(Alli's Canadian al... 23h Katy ... I GOT REJECTED FROM MCDONALDS McHire Alerts 10m ago Update on application with McDonald's Dear Kaitlyn, Thank you for your interest M in McDonald's. At this time we have decided to pursue other applicants. We appreciate the time and effort you took t... 1,390 4,996 161K 5.8M
Melissa Perri @lissijean 4h Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there's a ton of room. Her husband to the stewardess: you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta Stewardess: You should have kept in touch. 438 2,911 64.5K 1.1M
J. @SingularJem- 1h Being a consultant would be fun. Like hmmm... maybe! Here's your invoice. 6 425 5,977 del 89.7K
pubby @feralhousepuppy- 2d ... thank you predictive text for suggesting i beg even harder! + please please please please please pleas please pleaseeee 7 1,145 16.5K 203K
@vt1nz .1d oily footjob pls Е. @edbankzz the customer is always WRONG.. suck my dick, you dont know shit ..i work here, not you 8:54 AM 10/6/17 Twitter for iPhone 25 3,973 33.2K del 566K
zak @zakareeee. 1d but who's going to deliver you from the spirit of whatever this was Nikki Shange @NikkiShangee When I finally leave this world and enter The Kingdom of God the first thing i will do is kneel before him and let his holy penis fill my mouth. I am saving myself for him. 9:38 AM Aug 8, 2019 from Durban, South Africa. Twitter for iPhone Nikki Shange @NikkiShang... 4d I am seeing so many testimonies on TikTok of people being delivered from the spirit of homosexuality. What a beautiful sight. The Holy Spi... 451 6,721 56.1K 2.3M
Rolo Tony @PoorOldRoloTony.20h ... The Crow remake seems like its marketed directly to every toxic couple fighting in McDonald's dining rooms past 11pm. 7 160 1,304 39.4K

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