42 of the Funniest Tweets from the Week of May 13, 2024

Getting roasted by TSA must feel like hitting rock bottom
42 of the Funniest Tweets from the Week of May 13, 2024

This week’s news was all over the map. C-SPAN coverage of a contempt hearing sounded like “something out of the The Jerry Springer Show” as members of Congress and the House Oversight Committee hurled insults at one another. It was announced that Oscar-winner Cillian Murphy will reprise his 28 Days Later role in the upcoming sequel 28 Years Later. Meanwhile, Five Night at Freddy’s 2M3GAN 2.0 and The Black Phone 2 all got 2025 release dates. And YouTube’s hungriest yappers Sean Evans and Amelia Dimoldenberg are officially Emmy eligible. Evans’ Hot Ones could be up against industry titans Jimmy Fallon and Stephen Colbert in the Outstanding Talk Series category, while Dimoldenberg’s charming, awkward conversations with the likes of Cher and Paul Mescal on Chicken Shop Date will be on the ballot for Outstanding Short Form Comedy, Drama or Variety Series.

All that said, the new week brought even wilder tweets. This week’s funniest included those about a UPS employee who has seen horrors, a real sandwich lover and a lesser-known member of the Coppola family.

Dan Carney @DanManCarn....2 23h ... Ordering a sad meal everyday from the same McDonald's until one of the employees asks me what's wrong NEW YORK New York Post POST @nypost. 1d McDonald's adds sad option to replace Happy Meal smile trib.al/ 6xeBrMs It's okay not to feel happy all the time 24 4,041 55.1K 2.3M
Lena @banalplay 23h debating whether to deface the gay cybertruck but don't want people to think I hate it for the wrong reason Jimmy Trillstein @JimmyTril...* 1d brave and stunning - 7CAULO3 50 648 8,398 250K
sulky @sulky80715248.2 2h (after making stuff up in my head for an hour) wow.. everyone is so evil. i need to become weird and withdrawn about this 7 2,739 12K del 196K
just matt for supreme court @... 1d ... i (apparently) have a final exam today for a class i did not remember i was enrolled in and do not need to graduate. let's see how it goes! 107 860 44K 1.3M
CHEL B! @chelbb_ 1d ... oh to be a small bottle of shampoo, nestled gently inside the nook of a larger bottle of shampoo Dieline @TheDieline 2d While Carry On shampoo primarily comes in a large jug with a handle that makes it easy to carry around, it also fills its own void with a tiny elliptical travel-size version of itself. 18r.it/uErg shampoo Cerry OH thampose shampoo Carry on 7 3,239 39K 1M
Sophie Vershbow @svershbow 15h ... Please log into the patient portal to view a message from your doctor. 121 5,086 55.5K 1.1M
michael @FilledwithUrine - 12h ... when i was a kid i used to day dream that the teacher would let us play guitar hero in front of the class and i'd get up and rock out so hard on medium difficulty i would get a gf 10 213 3,005 72K
onion @juulrat.21h ... Job hunting Experience: vaping: 2 years (Preferred) Retail Sales: 2 years (Preferred) smoking: 2 years (Preferred) 18 1,272 20.4K 514K
i like food @messedupfoods-7h ... Since we all hate those paper straws, petition to have bars start giving us these 40 542 10.9K 112K
Rat Mic @sliccmic• 19h ... i wasnt going to smoke today but i got in an argument with my cat (again) so i i have no choice 12 911 8,409 305K
... 1d дса православная какус ... wife too busy yelling about how the baby shouldn't be in the situation to begin with instead of celebrating me for an undisputedly great catch. 7 261 5,140 126K
Richard Brake @richardbrake.2d GNTL Me too Philly M. Nerd @PhillyMovi...: 2d I need someone to cast Richard Brake as a super nice guy character who is kind and funny. 172 2,412 50.9K 2M
chair @charithity . 3d ??? Tony Lama 121 971 13.1K 672K
L.L. Human Clickbait @human_clickbait-14h ... If your boyfriend squeezes your arm fat that is a stand your ground situation marvelous @m_mmarvelous.1d Why chubby girls? Squish! Squish! More squish! Softer & warmer cuddle sessions More comfy lap pillow 14 274 7.1K 306K
octave @curtofranklin - 1 17h i love getting to the end of IKEA instructions when it's like ok now attach it to the wall so it won't fall and kill anybody and then i safely toss the instructions in the trash 33 1K 26K 814K
Grug will be at combo breaker @GRUGCEL . 2 22h i'm 23 if they wanna kill me they can do it idgaf Kong Monke @Kong_The_Monke- 1d people just... meet up with their mutuals? what happened to stranger danger? 69 7.8K 44K 1.7M
virgoest virgo @themarissarae . 2 21h ... TBC adidas I can't wait to have my baby I hate when holidays not about me 218 3.7K 12K 796K
Jordan @JordanHGus 23h ... this is what it feels like when me and my cat put our foreheads together 13 2.4K 34K del 1.1M
lilly pulitzer prize @eviIcherub - 1d thane difel @ThinDieselle 1d download our app for a more seamless experience if justice existed in any sense i would be within my rights to slash your achilles tendon 530 6K 160K
Justin Boldaji @justinboldaji - 21h ... Yep that's baby Anthony Hopkins alright Liked by mary_steenburgen and 56,063 others anthonyhopkins Happy Mother's Day 20 374 12K 321K
of ms kale of @leafyvegetabl.2 21h why does my mom still have this nicholas egg i drew in high school Shirt CYUE KO PASTE With bean oil EACH TÜM XÃO DÂÙ ÃN ET ROLDS NET. :,200g./ (7oz) e 60 903 36K 671K
caren @_carens_ 1d ... the babies are ready Crimes INTIFADA TSIDE THE LAW SIDE THE CAM - @wawog now 28 3.8K 42K 846K
8. @ritaflora_ 17h ... Babies are S00000 nosey considering they can't read Keke Palmer @KekePalmer.21h The epitome of who's texting us Thirry Fi STANDPIPE CONNECTIO GGDB 72 10K 102K 2.6M
Keefler @Keefler_Elf 19h making hamburger helper in here >>> View Porn @interiorvilla1.2d Kitchen goals. 7 263 4.2K 145K
Kayla Night @luv2read13.2 21h my work phone number used to be someone else's personal number so I've been silently learning about her life for the past 8 months and this takes the cake for Texts Have Accidentally Received Text Message Tue, Mar 19 at 10:06AM Good morning, everyone This group was created to ensure that messages and concerns get to everyone involved with Baby J and school. 1st. Order of business, per Baby Js teàcher via Keith, Baby J is no longer permitted to bring his Michael Jackson hat to school because when he brings the hat, he does not
James Galizio @Theswweet 1d a *what* good time? Atom @theatomreview.2d #TheGarfieldMovie REVIEW: Delightful & charming! Filled to the brim with satire fun. Chris Pratt truly honors the legacy. You'll roar with laughter & have a puss-pounding good time. Not just another cartoon, it's the best Garfield movie ever! A fitting end setting up what's next. THE GARFIELD MOVIE I HAT MOND YS 49 4.7K 47K 2.2M
MODESTICE Axe @westemunion2k·21h ... How it feels to hit the empty cart that tastes like straight technology 14 2K 28K 805K
Marc J. Randazza 4d ... Somewhere there is an editor who looked at this and said I can't believe I got away with it he knew that this was his crowning glory. Не had entered the promised land ... he brought it home and showed his wife, and she rolled her eyes and called him an idiot. ATMOSPHERE - URANUS I أ I - photo I I f ARCONT F CRAME - - of - - - at - - - ! - / Phone for I - - - Mar I I - - l - 1 - Literan
GRRL @GRRLmusic• 17h imagine seeing ronald mcdonald eating no his first cheeseburger...v would be mental X Denis Villeneuve Universe 1d Timothée Chalamet reading Dune in 2018. AEROS go f baro AND STYLE IN EVERY SHOE EROSOLES.COM Donot lear lean DE door 11 2,705 68.4K 2.1M
@WaveySkengman-1 1d Mate I've been told to put my hand out and walked home with a clenched fist NoContextWeed 1d ... Have you ever gotten served weed in a grocery bag? 119 1,597 16.7K 1M
maxx @battleupsaber 1d idk about anyone else but i think it'd be stranger if it did pay mothership Mothership @MothershipSG-3d M'sia orangutan walks into cafe & helps itself to cold drink in cafe fridge without paying bit.ly/3UEdhQj 25 3,360 34.1K 606K
Le Ciné Le Cinéphiles @LeCinephiles 18h ... he's gonna be stuck with a pirate voice for the next 5 years The Hollywood Handle 20h Austin Butler is reportedly being eyed to star in Disney's upcoming 'PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN' film. (Via: @TheDislnsider) 100 4,558 97.3K 2.9M
animals going goblin mode 2h good morning guys Scott e Reptile Connection Apr 28 at 4:1 3pm Florida Refuses frozen thaw but loves cheese sandwiches 25 528 7,194 125K
goosey maclean @shaunasjorts. 1d ... am i hallucinating this. can anyone else see this @Disc... 1d 4F DiscussingFilm Ella Purnell has been cast in a new squirrel horror movie 'THE SCURRY' The film follows a park attendant who must use her unique set of skills to survive a band of killer squirrels. (Source: screendaily.com/news/ella- purn...) 42 1,810 43K 1.4M
FloridaBoy @954Cobi-11h ... look like he was tired of that shit too @justtcave 23h IM TIRED OF BUYING MILK... 75 4,094 35.1K 1.2M
Rugs, Tables, Wall Pieces 9h ... Im chilling at shorty crib and i think her son got a problem with me VO 824 7,641 71.3K del 2.2M
miles @miles_4444.19h ... it just told you Roman @RomanSvidler 1 1d wtf wrong with my phone Speed kisses Brazilian + Liquid Detected in Lightning Connector Disconnect to allow the 5,690 connector to dry. ... Emergency Override 31 HO Dismiss 800 196 luftystreamclips 2-12 16 1,205 37.4K 502K
depths of wikipedia! @depths... 17h ... the only anthropomorphized chili dog WIKIPEDIA with its own Wikipedia article The Delicious One 60 1,080 9,716 249K
The Meaty Month of May @... . 1d ... Are you wearing the- The snoots? Yeah yeah I am 385 9,283 104K 3.8M
Tyler Austin Harper @Tyler_A... 20h ... Walked into the UPS to find an employee standing over a large open box, peering into its depths, muttering my god, we will ship anything. Then he closed the box and taped it up in a fury like it contained horrors not imagined since Pandora. I must know what is in this box. 69 897 18.5K del 484K
ysa @kijaeha__20h .. Studying geology did not prepare me to be LAUGHED at by an entire airport security, because they had to empty my entire bag full of ROCKS to investigate 110 3,591 72K del 1M
Celeste, Lover of All !? 21h ... found a wallet on the ground and the first thing i find out about this guy is that he's one of criss angel's ULTIMATE LOYALFREAKS ARE YOU READY to become a member of the ULTIMATE LOYALFREAKS? Redeem the code printed on the back of this card at www.CrissAngel.com for a one month free MATE LOYALFREAKS My 14th م Cards LOGEN'S 19 487 4,503 102K


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