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34 Toys, Games and Activities That Wouldn’t Pass Muster Today

This is dedicated to the playtime martyrs

34 Toys, Games and Activities That Wouldn’t Pass Muster Today

April 23, 2024

After whipping up this list, we poured one out for any kid who suffered at the hands of a would-be plaything. We’re not talking about those fictional younglings in Child’s Play or Small Soldiers, we’re talking about real kids with real bloodthirsty toys. Toys like…

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34

SIXFINGER SIXFINGE THE MOST AMAZING TOY EVERY IT LOOKS LIKE A FINGER BUT IT DOES ALL THIS: CRACKED.COM 1.SHOOTS CAP BOMB GOS g : - f - - 3 نية I I For Party - - - - to - - It looks like a finger? Sure, if fingers had testicles. — Source

33

ATOMIC ENERGY LAB GILBERT physics - ... ATOMIC ENERGY LAB PERFORME DMIN 150 - بهد - - - - - - . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - available - - - - Epecting! Safe! - GILBERT VALL DE SCIENCE .... CRACKED.COM SILBERT CLOUD CHAMPIER Did the Atomic Energy Lab come with actual uranium? Why, yes. Yes, it did. — Source

32

BUTCHER PLAYSET GRACKED.COM The trouble started when Jeffrey asked if we could pretend to disembowl a hog. — Source

31

DENNIS THE MENACE DENTIST KIT Ipana Dennis the Menace CRACKED.COM Hypodermic needle? Check. Forceps? Check. Nightmares? Check. — Source

30

KRIMSON TERROR the EDIDUERG line CRACKED.COM KRIMSON TORROR PLANNIC MONSTER CONSTRUCTION KIT The make-your-own monster with the three-handed crotch. — Source

29

LAVERNE & SHIRLEY SECRETARY SET GAITION to - - - I man 12 kg 79e HARRONY - You Laverno TV SERIES Shirley TM secretary set - 12345678 ANIZEEEE for CRACKED.COM 1/11/11 - - - AA UNE PERFORM - NOLLOS NY THAT MADE - NONG KONG Laverne and Shirley worked at a brewery, which would have made an infinitely more fun play set. — Source

28

PINKY LEE MEDICINE CHEST BAND-AD - - IVORY. Pinky Lee TOY medicine CHORAGNED.COM THE GOOD HABIT TOY Learn Pinky Lee's secret shames, then refill all the good prescriptions. — Source

27

Product Recalls CSI Fingerprint Examination Toy Kit The Asbestos Disease Awareness Organization did a study in 2007 and found out that the hit had asbestos in it. That's not something you want anywhere, let alone in a toy for kids, so the kit was recalled. AGES 10+ CSI: ADULT SUPERVISION RECOMMENDED WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD Jomal parts Not for - - 3 yours CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION WARNING: FINGERPRINT - - - e EXAMINATION KIT - - - USE FINGERPRINT BRUSH COLLECT TO GUST EXAMINE, REAL D RECORD PRINTS FINGERPRINTS WITH CHISSON'S CSI TEAM CSI: un nar VAO Done Always F HAND CRIME — Source

26

Product Recalls Sky Dancers In 2000, Galoob Toys Inc. recalled 8.9 million Sky Dancers flying dolls due to reports of 150 injuries, including eye injuries, broken teeth, a mild concussion, a broken rib, and facial lacerations. CRACKED — Source

25

Product Recalls Aqua Dots/ Bindeez Beads A toy called Aqua Dots in the U.S. and Bindeez Beads in Australia was recalled after it was found to be contaminated with a chemical that can turn into a dangerous drug. Three children in Australia had to be hospitalized. THEMED THEMEO NEW NINE CHEMED AHEMID THEMED FIRST POLI QUA DOTS OUA OOTS AQUA DOTS AQUA DOT: AQUA OOTS PACK POOT FAES GING PERMATE CCIAN adidas I I J : I MADICARES MARICALLE ECTE NO LATE - WATE MATERY MAZER Bots KIN WITH I CRAX I I - Class SUIT - DE MEDICAL - — Source

24

Product Recalls Midge doll In 2002, Walmart stopped selling the Mattel Happy Family set, which had a pregnant Midge doll wearing a it's a girl! pink skirt and a removable stomach with a baby inside. Mom loves newbo baby ppy famile Mom & Baby CRACKED — Source

23

Product Recalls Pencils In 1998, a 10-year-old student noticed that when they sharpened pencils with the message Too Cool to Do Drugs on them, the message changed to, uhh, the opposite. This led to the pencils being recalled. TOO COOL TO DO DRUGS COOL TO DO DRUGS DO DRUGS DRUGS CRACKED — Source

22

1. REMOVE THE PLUG FROM BATMAN'S BUTT. 2. FILL WITH WATER. 3. PUMP HIS TRIGGER. 4. SQUIRT YOUR FRIENDS! GRAGKED.COM http://herocomplex latimes com/uncafegonzed/ top-10-vintage-batman-toys-far-your-inner-boy-wonder/ — Source

21

GO TO THIRD BASE AND BEYOND. WITH THIS BUZZ LIGHTYEAR FUNTIME TUMBLeR! Commune A NO OR BPA - 430g - - The version that's currently available for sale has the straw on the other side, but reviewers confirm that with a firm twist, you can enjoy Buzz as pictured. CRACKED.COM http://www. amazon.com/Zak-Designs-Lightyear-Funtime-Tumbler/dp/B004B5B26G — Source

20

YOU CAN COLOR IN BARON HARKONNEN'S WEEPING PUSTULES IN THIS DUNE-THEMED ACTIVITY BOOK FOR KIDS. DUNE ACTIVITY BOOK I - - - - Dune was a trippy sci-fi drama about space drugs, complicated galactic political intrigues and Sting in his underwear. CRACKED.COM http://oihouse.net/2011/03/franchised-goodies-for-the-children-of-dune/ — Source

19

THIS CANDY TREAT LETS YOU FRENCH-KISS JAR JAR BINKS. doo I JANES Binks JUI ART adidas COMM I PISODE WARS STAR dom I ORIGINAL We're assuming it tastes like thinly-veiled racism. CRACKED.COM — Source

18

THE MISSILES LAUNCHED BY THIS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA TOY ACTUALLY PROVED DEADLY TO KIDS. The launcher caused ripped intestines, eye injuries, and one death when a missile lodged in a child's esophagus. They were recalled in 1979. SCARAB CRACKED.COM http://resources.lawinfo.com/personal-injury/products-liability/ — Source

17

THE SNOOPY G PLUCE SOKY AM AAA THE ORIGINAL Snoopy SNO-CONE Sno-cone Machine MACHINE MAKE A SNOOPY TASTY TREAT CONTAINS A WITH ICE CUBES & FLAVOR PACK! LOOSE BRASS RIVET WARNING: CHOCKNG - NET WT 50 OZ (4.77g) THAT CAN CAUTION 400 NCOM HAPPINE them - - DROP INTO THE SNOW CONES. It's been recalled. GRACKED.COM http://www toysnusinc com/safety/recalls/snoopy-sno-cone-machine/ — Source

16

THE PUNISHER SHAPE- SHIFTER IS so GLAD TO SEE YOU. In the interest of full disclosure, we should note that he's pictured mid-transformation, at left. He's actually meant to shoot darts out of his ass. CRACKED.COM http://www.collector-actionfigures com/dash/universe/catalog_item/AF-382048/ — Source

15

34 Toys, Games and Activities That Wouldn’t Pass Muster Today — Source

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34 Toys, Games and Activities That Wouldn’t Pass Muster Today — Source

13

THIS IS THE HARRY POTTER NIMBUS 2000 VIBRATING BROOM. Sadly, they're no longer sold. It's a dick- shaped toy that vibrates when children stick it between their legs. (actual photo from Amazon) Actual Amazon review: When my 12 year old daughter asked for this for her birthday, I kind of wondered if she was too old for it, but she seems to LOVE it. Her friends love it too! They play for hours in her bedroom with this great toy. They really seem to like the special effects it offers (the sound effects and vibrating). My oldest daughter (17) really — Source

12

PARENTS RECENTLY PETITIONED TOYS R US TO PULL THE BREAKING BAD ACTION FIGURES FROM THEIR SHELVES. WARNING: Ages CHOKING HAZARD The Walter White 15+ MY didas figure comes with a 35 gun, a bag of cash, and Br eaking 56 a baggie full of meth*. Bad TOY FAIR NY 14 EXCLUSIVE Not actual meth. an actual gun or actual cash Walter White Collection Figure Toys R Us no longer sells them. CRACKED.COM — Source

11

CRACKED.COM A BLACK PERSON AS A MONKEY? SOMEBODY SAID. ADORABLE! NO ONE WILL EVER OBJECT. A sock monkey representing Barack Obama was released by a Utah-based company during the '08 presidential race. Its makers claimed they never intended to upset anyone with their cute and cuddly monkey, somehow unaware that this is an old and tired racist caricature. — Source

10

CRACKED.COM IT TOOK DEAD CHILDREN TO BAN LAWN DARTS. Contains 4 JAVELIN DARTS 2 TARGET CIRCLES HASBRO JAVELIN DARTS If you're going, What the hell were they thinking to sell huge flying metal spikes to play with, S you're not alone. The U.S. banned them for good in the late '80s-but only after they had caused thousands of injuries (and a few deaths) over three decades. — Source

9

CRACKED.COM BRATZ BABYZ SHOW YOU'RE NEVER TOO YOUNG TO BE A MINX. - in These dolls went through the whole process of being conceived, designed, pitched, approved, manufactured, and distributed, and apparently no one along the line thought of saying, You know, maybe we really shouldn't sexualize babies. — Source

8

CRACKED G COM YOU CAN GO HIKING WITH KARL MARX AND HIS FRIENDS! MOUNTAIN RESEARCH Japanese toy maker Mountain Research released a foursome of surveyors modeled after Karl Marx, Vladimir Lenin, Mao Zedong, and Henry David Thoreau. There's no indication as to why two Communist dictators, the philosopher who inspired them, and an unrelated poet guy are hiking mountain trails. — Source

7

CRACKED.COM APRIL O'NEIL WILL SHOW YOU A GOOD TIME. Hey, do you remember that episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles where April was a streetwalker? Neither do we, but that didn't stop Playmates Toys from releasing this Ravishing Reporter action figure, complete with detachable skirt. — Source

6

CRACKED.COM THIS TRICYCLE WAS THE MOST OBVIOUS RECALL EVER. The Disney Princess Plastic Racing Trike brings a fantasy kingdom close to your children. So close, in fact, they risk getting it impaled in their little skulls. One sudden stop is all it takes. To no one's surprise, this murdercycle was recalled in 2011. — Source

5

CRACKED COM WHAT'S CUDDLIER THAN A BABY? A PREMATURE BABY! In a misguided attempt at... well, something, Coleco released preemie Cabbage Patch Kids in the 1980s. The preemies were smaller and had less hair that the regular dolls. Not included were the incubator and tubes required to keep real prematures babies alive, as that could have made them less adorable. — Source

4

CRACKED COM SPIRIT WAS A JUMBLE OF STEREOTYPES IN THE SHAPE OF AN ACTION FIGURE. Everything about G.I. Joe figure Spirit was a Native American stereotype, starting with his name: Charlie Iron-Knife. His card file described him as a tracker, a shaman, and a mystic warrior. Не also had an American eagle, because we know every Native American is issued one of those. — Source

3

НИ gerfa DON'T DENY IT. 20 Fahrt sun CRACKED COM elen YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO PLAY WITH THE PLAGUES OF EGYPT. on und PLAGUES Berfin Codes, fb befoble áußer ment, de eborgen anbend If anything is ripe to be captured in soft, cuddly animal form, it's surely the Lord's mighty wrath being visited upon Pharaoh and his people. Now your child can enjoy locusts, boils, dead firstborns, and other such fun! — Source

2

CRACKED.COM OREO BARBIE DIDN'T LAST LONG ON THE SHELVES. Oreo Barbie, born in 1997 from a cross-promotional partnership between Mattel and Nabisco, came in both white and black versions. You can tell every person involved was white because nobody knew that MA Oreo is a derogatory OREO term in the African American community for a black person who is ORE white on the inside. — Source

1

CRACKED.COM IT'S A STRIPPER POLE! FOR PRETEENS! peekabo Pole Date This toy stripper pole, complete with a garter and money to stuff into it, could be found in 2006 in the British grocery store chain Tesco. They denied the pole was marketed to children, despite the fact that it was exhibited in the - toy section and advertised boo I I as suitable for 11-year-olds. — Source

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