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33 Killer Jokes and Entire Scenes That Were Surgically Removed From Iconic Films

Pinocchio could have gotten REAL weird...

33 Killer Jokes and Entire Scenes That Were Surgically Removed From Iconic Films

April 14, 2024

Most Disney movies are based on straight-up body horror and snuff films.

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33

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM THERE'S JUST ONE JOKE THAT GOT CUT FROM BLAZING SADDLES BY MEL BROOKS. The scene is between Sheriff Bart, who is black, and Lili von Shtupp. She blows out the candles, and she says in her German accent, 'Is it true what they say about you people?' And says, 'I hate to disillusion you, ma'am, but you're sucking on my arm.', said Brooks. — Source

32

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM JOSH GAD'S ANIMATED SHOW CENTRAL PARK HAD TO CUT A FROZEN JOKE. APPLE+ here was one joke in there where Birdie came out and somebody said, 'Why did that look so frozen? and I think Birdie said, 'Why does this feel so familiar?', says Gad. — Source

31

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM AVENGERS: ENDGAME HAD AN ANT-MAN JOKE THAT ENDED UP GETTING CUT. It would show Ant-Man holding an orange slice and saying Anybody want an orange slice? when Hawkeye comes back from time travel - a callback to a joke in Captain America: Civil War. — Source

30

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM THE ABC SHOW HAPPY ENDINGS CUT A JOKE ABOUT OSAMA BIN LADEN. In the version aired in the US, Zach Knighton's character says a mouse is my bin Laden. ... Jessica bin Laden, a super hot Arab girl I went to college with. The line after that was She was the one that got away, which got cut, because bin Laden was killed before the episode got aired. — Source

29

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM 2017'S KINGSMAN: THE GOLDEN CIRCLE CUT SOME TRUMP JOKES. I think America's going through a pretty interesting and rough ride at the moment and I wanted this movie to be escapism. And that means not suddenly have half the audience going, 'That's not cool, that's not funny!' as the other half is cheering, said screenwriter Matthew Vaughn. — Source

28

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM THERE'S A THOR-VALKYRIE JOKE THAT GOT CUT FROM AVENGERS: ENDGAME. puts her arm on his shoulder and he sort of starts to lean in for a kiss. she was like, 'No, that was, like, a goodbye tap I was giving you.' It was a really funny beat, but we cut it, said Anthony Russo. — Source

27

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM DISNEY+ MESSED UP THE ASPECT RATIO ON SIMPSONS EPISODES, CUTTING PLENTY OF JOKES. 45 ETH WITLERS For example, in S1E5, the cropping cuts out the box marked Hitler's Teeth in Herman's Military Antiques. — Source

26

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM JUDD APATOW CUT WHAT WAS APPARENTLY AN AUTOFELLATIO JOKE FROM YEAR ONE. There was a joke about a certain character who could put a part of his anatomy in his own mouth. I don't think you can say that online. It's not one of the main characters. We removed that. It was definitely one of our favorite jokes, were his exact words. — Source

25

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM RALPH BREAKS THE INTERNET HAD A CUT JOKE ABOUT KYLO REN. At one point we had a joke about Kylo Ren being kind of a spoiled child. We went to Lucasfilm and said, here's what we're doing. And they said, well, we'd prefer that you don't show him as a spoiled child. You know, he is our villain, and we'd prefer you don't do that, explained co-director Rich Moore. — Source

24

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM SPIDER-MAN: INTO THE SPIDER-VERSE HAD A CUT SPIDER-HAM JOKE. The way that scene went is Noir said he lost his Uncle Benjamin, Peter lost Uncle Ben, and Gwen lost Peter. We went through everyone. Spider-Ham said he lost his Uncle Frankfurter. And then he said, 'He was electrocuted, and it smelled so good, said co-writer and co-director Rodney Rothman. — Source

23

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM THERE' AN OLIVE GARDEN JOKE THAT WAS CUT FROM CRAZY EX-GIRLFRIEND. There was going to be a joke about Olive Garden having call girls, but an exec thought Olive Garden might take offense. What about child prostitutes? Can we say 7-year-old child prostitutes? For the record, I love Olive Garden, said Crazy Ex-Girlfriend creator and star Rachel Bloom. — Source

22

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM FOX FORCED RYAN REYNOLDS TO CUT A DISNEY JOKE FROM DEADPOOL 2. This is a sore spot for me because there's a joke in the movie that is not in the movie now because e - I'm probably not even allowed to say this - Fox made me take it out. It had more to do with Disney, and they made me take it out, he said. — Source

21

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM BECAUSE OF DONALD TRUMP, VEEP HAD TO CUT A GOLDEN SHOWER JOKE. The only thing we did have to change-it sounds like a bad joke, but it's true - was a 'golden shower' joke in one of the episodes where someone is yelling at Jonah about a golden shower. We hadn't filmed it yet, and we realized, 'Oh, we need to change that, says showrunner David Mandel. — Source

20

ESMERELDA ORIGINALLY GOT FRAMED FOR MURDER. THEN FROLLO HANGED HER TO DEATH. Victor Hugo's novel then has Quasimodo pitch Frollo off a roof (granted, that part is very Disney) and dig up Esmeralda's grave. Не crawls beside her body and embraces her corpse until he starves to death. CRACKED.COM — Source

19

MARY POPPINS WASN'T NICE IN THE BOOKS. SHE WAS STERN AND CROSS. It was an essential element of her character. When author P.L. Travers saw the Disney film, she hated it. She claimed: Tears ran down my cheeks because it was all so distorted ... I was so shocked I felt I would never write, let alone smile, again! CRACKED.COM — Source

18

100 YEARS OF PRINCÈS DIED IN SLEEPING BEAUTY. AND NOT OF MAGIC OR A CURSE. In the storybook version, a thick hedge of thorns grows around her castle, and every prince who tries to rescue her ends up getting stuck in the thorns and dying. Sadly, the 1959 Disney film left out a montage of princes screaming as they die of exposure. CRACKED.COM — Source

17

THE HISTORICAL POCAHONTAS WAS TEN YEARS OLD ... AND WAS NOT IN LOVE WITH JOHN SMITH. The fake love story was mostly propagated by Smith's own journals and kept alive by Western culture as a tidy example of nice Native American / colonial fraternization. CRACKED.COM — Source

16

ALADDIN WAS A STONE-COLD KILLER. HIS VICTIM? THE SORCERER WHO REVEALED THE LAMP. In the Arabian Nights story, the original sorcerer returns, reclaims the lamp, and moves the whole kingdom to Africa. Aladdin responds by giving the princess a cup of poison, which she slips to the sorcerer, killing him. CRACKED.COM — Source

15

UP ORIGINALLY GAVE VILLAIN MUNTZ A SHININGLIKE END. HE GEYS TRAPPED IN A LABYRINTH. Не was supposed to chase Kevin the bird into a maze. And then, unable to find his way out, he would just wander it forever, growing more and more mad until an implied offscreen death. CRACKED.COM — Source

14

MOWGLI ATTACKS HIS VILLAGE IN THE JUNGLE BOOK STORIES. HE GOES ON A RAMPAGE OF REVENGE. The village casts him out, suspecting him of sorcery for consorting with wolves. As revenge, he persuades Hathi, the angry elephant, to trample their huts and destroy all their grain silos. The villagers flee, and the land is swallowed up by wild jungle. CRACKED.COM — Source

13

THE ORIGINAL FROG PRINCE WASN'T SAVED WITH A KISS. THE PRINCESS SMASHES HIM. No, not that kind of smash. The frog prince retrieves the princess's lost ball from a well, and in return asks to sleep in her bed. When he shows up in her bedroom, she throws him against the wall as hard as she can, and voila! Не turns back into a human. CRACKED.COM — Source

12

BAMBI ORIGINALLY INCLUDED THE HUNTER'S CORPSE. ADDING CLOSURE ... ... HORRIFYING CLOSURE. The faceless hunter shoots Bambi's mother offscreen, and later starts a forest fire when he negligently lets his lantern tip over. The film's early draft punished him by killing him in the fire ... and had Bambi stumble upon his charred remains. CRACKED.COM — Source

11

RAPUNZEL DOES ITS GUY DIRTIER THAN TANGLED DOES. HE FALLS ON THORNS AND GOES BLIND. Не then then wanders around miserably in the forest. Eventually, he reunites with Rapunzel and they live happily ever after (while he's still blind). What's wrong with that, Disney? Blind people can't find happiness too? CRACKED.COM — Source

10

JANE MARRIED CLAYTON (THE VILLAIN IN THE DISNEY FILM). SHE AND TARZAN DIDN'T GET TOGETHER. In Edgar Rice Burroughs' Tarzan Of The Apes, Tarzan elects not to interfere-or to reveal that he's the true heir to the estate that Clayton has inherited-for the sake of Jane's happiness. CRACKED.COM — Source

9

MULAN KILLS HERSELF IN THE 1675 STORY. IT WAS EITHER THAT OR MARRIAGE. She returns home from her military service to find that her father has died while she was away. A khan then orders Mulan to join his harem, and instead she kills herself, and that's the end. CRACKED.COM — Source

8

DISNEY'S ALICE MOVIE WAS GOING TO BE A LIVE-ACTION HYBRID. SHE'D MEET LEWIS CARROLL. But Disney was concerned about the optics of a little girl befriending a strange adult man. So Walt Disney lobbied to give Carroll (played by Cary Grant) a separate love interest and then just scrapped the live section altogether. CRACKED.COM — Source

7

BELLE HAD TWO SISTERS IN BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. THEY TRIED TO GET BEAST TO EAT HER. The Beast lets Beauty visit her family, but insists that she return after one week. The sisters trick her into staying longer so she'll get in trouble. The Beast finds out and punishes the sisters by turning them both into statues. CRACKED.COM — Source

6

THE PINOCCHIO DONKEY SCENE WAS TERRIFYING. IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE. In Carlo Collodi's story, after Pinocchio gets turned into a donkey, he's sold to a man who wants to skin him and turn his donkey-skin into a drum. The man tosses him into the sea to drown. CRACKED.COM — Source

5

IN THE PETER PAN ВОФК, SOME LOST BOYS GROW UP. PETER THEN THINS THEM OUT. Huh? Is Peter killing Lost Boys when they mature? At best he's casting them out, but that still paints a picture of Pan as a tyrannical dictator obsessed with keeping his subjects at his level of childishness. CRACKED.COM — Source

4

WOODY WAS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN AS A JERK. HE WAS A SCOWLING UNFRIENDLY Dummy. Instead of being a friendly Tom-Hanks-voiced leader, he was a stern, sarcastic ruler whose cruelty inspired the other toys to band together and rebel against him. Also, he was a ventriloquist dummy so was inherently evil. CRACKED.COM — Source

3

THE CINDERELLA SISTERS WANTED TO FIT IN THAT SHOE. ORIGINALLY, ONE CHOPPED OFF A TOE. This actually does fool the prince for a bit, until he notices A TRAIL OF BLOOD behind her. And for good measure, the story ends with the sisters' eyes getting pecked out by birds. CRACKED.COM — Source

2

IN THE ORIGINAL MYTH, HERCULES KILLS HIS FAMILY. HIS 12 LABORS WERE PENANCE. That detail didn't quite make it into Disney's Hercules, obviously. What kind of kids' movie could possibly begin with all the main character's children getting slaughtered? (Besides Finding Nemo, of course.) CRACKED.COM — Source

1

IN THE ORIGINAL THE LITTLE MERMAID, ARIEL LOSES. SHE NEVER GETS THE PRINCE TO LOVE HER. So the witch tells her she has two choices: die herself, or kill the prince if she wants to live. She spares the prince, dies, and melts into sea foam. Cue the Under The Sea steel drums! CRACKED.COM — Source

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