Ranking Hello Kitty Characters by Their Chances of Surviving in This Cruel World

Entirely too trusting and naive enough to make it her defining characteristic. Chained to a creep’s basement radiator within the week.

No way this guy’s making it through one year in the real world. He’s built like a speed bump for reality to bounce off.

She seems like she really believes in the base goodness of people, and she’s going to end up Zelle-ing a full year’s rent to a crime syndicate in Kolkata.

Keroppi lives on the largest and bluest pond around with his brother, sister and parents. Doesn’t that seem like something David Attenborough would say before revealing that they died in a brush fire? He just has a very “going extinct” look about him.

He owns 365 bowties, so he’s probably rich enough to carve out a nice life for himself. But again, I don’t have high hopes for any animal that needs a specific kind of ecosystem past about 2030.

He’s a golden retriever, and we all already know a guy like that. He’d just coast along in life, and when he says he’s not voting, you don’t push it because you’re not 100 percent who it would be for.

Cinnamoroll is a… dog? That owns a cafe. So you know, at least he has a fucking job.

Apparently, his whiskers are antennas that deliver him news. He’d be a doomer with a highly followed BlueSky account and anxiety so bad he has to do breathing exercises in line at the grocery store. All of which isn’t great, but nothing plenty of humans aren’t dealing with.

As a nihilistic, depressed egg, he honestly needs to get over to our world stat so we can get him on SSRIs before he fries himself.

He’d probably work at a hedge fund and be posted on a bunch of “are we dating the same guy” groups.

Created when some Sanrio employee wondered, “What if there was a Hello Kitty character that was kind of a bitch?” She’d probably be an influencer with a massive Spotify deal for a podcast she never recorded.