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32 Head-Scratching Moments for the Intelligence Agency Hall of Shame

Perhaps if we give the government MORE money...

32 Head-Scratching Moments for the Intelligence Agency Hall of Shame

March 28, 2024

The big bad CIA is out here passive-aggressively editing Wikipedia and blasting the dang Barney song.

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32

Acoustic Kitty

IN THE 1960S, THE CIA TRIED TO USE CATS AS REMOTE LISTENING DEVICES. Project Acoustic Kitty was abandoned when the the first cat sent on a test mission to a park was run over by a taxi. CRACKED.COM — Source

31

DURING THE COLD WAR, THE U.S. HIRED 1000 NAZIS AS SPIES. FBI Director J Edgar Hoover actively sought out Nazis and dismissed their horrific acts as Soviet propaganda. CRACKED.COM — Source

30

BOEING MADE A SPY SHIP NAMED BIRD OF PREY DUE TO ITS STAR TREK RESEMBLANCE. station 91236 The stealth plane had 36 flights, starting in 1996, and was revealed in 2002 once its design had become standard practice. CRACKED.COM — Source

29

IN THE 1970S, THE CIA CREATED A DRAGONFLY ROBOT FOR SPYING. The gas-powered robot had impressive performance capabilities, but, due to the wind, it was never operational. American tax dollars at work! CRACKED.COM — Source

28

A U.S. CONGRESSMAN SPIED FOR RUSSIA As Jewish immigrant, Samuel Dickstein was desperate to stop Hitler's rise to power but was ignored by Congress. Не was later found to be on the USSR pay roll. Не may have also worked with Polish and British intelligence authorities. CRACKED.COM — Source

27

The CIA

THE CIA ONCE TRIED TO ASSASSINATE CASTRO VIA MILKSHAKE. Fidel Castro survived over 600 assassination attempts. One of those included a cyanide pill in his chocolate milkshake. However, the pill stuck to the freezer shelf and broke before the assassin could complete the mission. CRACKED.COM — Source

26

Julia Childs

JULIA CHILD WAS A SPY BEFORE SHE WAS A WORLD FAMOUS COOK. In 1942, Child joined OSS, the precursor to the CIA. During her time there, she created a shark repellent recipe. She also worked in Ceylon and China, but her missions remain, unsurprisingly, classified. CRACKED.COM — Source

25

DURING THE COLD WAR, THE U.S. SERIOUSLY CONSIDERED NUKING THE MOON. A biographer for Carl Sagan revealed Project A119, the plot to send a nuclear bomb to the moon in 1958. 11 years before Neil Armstrong took the first steps on its surface, we almost blew it up. CRACKED.COM — Source

24

DURING THE VIETNAM WAR, AMERICAN SOLIDERS WOULD LITTER THE COUNTRYSIDE WITH FAKE TIGER POOP. Inside were seismometers to track enemy troop movement. It was an effective way to hide them, since no one was digging around in a pile of poop. CRACKED.COM — Source

23

A SOVIET SPY WAS CAUGHT AFTER A PAPERBOY FOUND A HOLLOW NICKLE. BERTY 2 D WE TRU The paperboy smashed it on the sidewalk and found a weird photograph, which he assumed was spy stuff from what he read in comic books. Не told a friend whose dad was a cop, and eventually the FBI discovered the spy Rudolf Abel. CRACKED.COM — Source

22

ROALD DAHL WAS A BRITISH SPY WHO SEDUCED WOMEN. Before Roald Dahl was a famous writer, he was in the British Army. After an injury moved him to a desk job in British embassy in D.C., he became such a popular socialite that British intelligence used him to seduce American women into supporting British interests. CRACKED.COM — Source

21

THE CIA ONCE CONFRONTED THE AMERICAN AMBASSADOR TO GUATEMALA FOR HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HER SECRETARY. The secretary's name was Carol Murphy. The CIA had bugged her bedroom and heard the ambassador whispering sweet nothings to Murphy. However, the CIA did not know she had a dog named Murphy. CRACKED.COM — Source

20

IN 1945, RUSSIAN SCHOOLCHILDREN GAVE THE U.S. AMBASSADOR A BUGGED PLAQUE. The plaque stayed on the ambassador's study wall for seven years until an American military radio picked up American voices. It took several sweeps until they discovered the bug in plain sight. CRACKED.COM — Source

19

DURING WWII, THE BRITISH CREATED THE RAT BOMB. Rat carcasses were stuffed with explosives and were to be placed near a boiler. When the dead rats were to be thrown in, the building would hopefully explode. However, Germans seized the first batch and the plan was abandoned. CRACKED.COM — Source

18

A FORMER RUSSIAN SPY SOLVED HIS OWN MURDER. Alexander Litvinenko, while he lay dying, figured out (alongside detectives) that his tea had been poisoned by a former Russian comrade. CRACKED.COM — Source

17

STALIN USED A SECRET LAB TO ANALYZE MAO'S POOP. When Mao Zedong visited Moscow in 1949, they installed toilets connected to boxes. Specialists would analyze excrement to learn things about people's personality traits, such as if someone had low levels of potassium they had a nervous disposition. CRACKED.COM — Source

16

A NORTH KOREAN SPY SUBMARINE GOT CAUGHT IN A SOUTH KOREAN FISHING NET. South Korean forces were eager to negotiate the release of hostages, but when they entered the sub, they saw all the soldiers had either been executed or committed suicide. CRACKED.COM — Source

15

Baffling things done by the CIA Using Barney the Dinosaur to torture people The CIA has used bangers like Queen's We Are the Champions, Eminem's The Real Slim Shady, and the Bee Gees' Staying Alive as torture, but nothing compares to the true evil that is playing Barney's I Love You in a 30- hour loop. Something tells us it's not out of love. CRACKED.COM — Source

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14

Baffling things done by the CIA Getting a letter wrong (and torturing the wrong guy) In 2003, officials captured German businessman Khalid El-Masri, mistaking him for Khalid Al- Masri. El-Masri was tortured for almost six months in Macedonia and Afghanistan, and finally dumped in the middle of nowhere in Albania. In total, it was almost six months of torture. After 10 years of legal battles, Macedonia had to pay El-Masri $80,000. CRACKED.COM — Source

13

Welcome to Wispedia, 24 E - - the - - - - - - W oz . - featured - - И ! I 7 W Baffling things done by the CIA Editing Wikipedia It came out in 2007 that CIA computers had edited Wikipedia articles in 2003. Was it about Lord of the Rings lore? Who are we kidding, of course it was about the Iraq War. A CIA spokesman said the agency always expects their computers to be used responsibly, so feel free to insert any CIA-related joke you like. CRACKED.COM — Source

12

11

Baffling things done by the CIA Framing their own guy. Edwin Wilson spent around 20 years in jail for selling American weapons to Libya, all the while insisting he was actually CIA. The CIA said he was no longer with them, but in 2003 it came out that yup, Wilson still worked for hem even after officially leaving the agency. The sentence was then overturned. CRACKED.COM — Source

10

CIA Slip-ups

CRACKED.COM Baffling things done by the CIA Not being able to pick a damn codeword In 2011, Hezbollah found out that CIA spy- meetings would happen under the codeword pizza. Wait, but wouldn't that give away where they meet? Indeed, Hezbollah soon figured out they met at a Lebanese Pizza Hut, and proceeded with a devastating bust that led to captured U.S. agents and ruined CIA intelligence-gathering in Lebanon for a while. — Source

9

CRACKED.COM Baffling things done by the CIA Messing with Meet the Parents Originally, Ben Stiller was supposed to find out Robert De Niro's character was CIA after finding torture manuals, but the agency demanded he find photos of De Niro with famous people instead. Planning coups for corporate overlords is one thing, but messing with mediocre comedies? Too far, CIA. — Source

8

Starbucks

Baffling things done by the CIA Having their own top-secret Starbucks Somewhere in Langley, the CIA's exclusive Starbucks is so secret its exact location is unknown. It's there instead of normal coffee machines because they wanted to humanize the CIA headquarters' work environment. You know, through a massive corporation. TM CRACKED.COM — Source

7

CRACKED.COM Baffling things done by the CIA Tolerating Donald Trump's cheerleaders Trump gave a speech in the CIA's headquarters, and while he was playing the victim or whatever, he was also passionately cheered by non-CIA supporters. The CIA not only had to take it, but also see their apolitical pretension crumble (which is kinda cool on Trump's part). — Source

6

Baffling things done by the CIA Smuggling drugs (and ruining reputations) In 1996, journalist Gary Webb disclosed the CIA had been smuggling cocaine into America. The agency denied it, and Webb fell into disgrace. Then the CIA's internal investigation found that, oops, they had indeed spent a decade slangin' that yayo. Honorably, the CIA directly apologized to Webb and-oh, sorry, Webb committed suicide in 2004. CRACKED.COM — Source

5

The CIA

CRACKED.COM Baffling things done by the CIA Making Osama toys Beginning in 2005, the CIA created an Osama bin Laden action figure that would slowly wear off its face paint to show that of the devil. You know, to teach the kids whose houses America was bombing who the real villain was. The CIA denies having sent them to Pakistan, but that sounds just like what they would say. — Source

4

Baffling things done by the CIA Trying to make torture look good Besides trying to make enhanced interrogation happen like it's fetch, the CIA also works with Hollywood. For Kathryn Bigelow's Zero Dark Thirty, they assisted on the condition of them making torture seem effective (even when experts agree it isn't). Thanks to the CIA, then, they learn where bin Laden is through torture, which is nothing but (messed-up) movie magic. CRACKED.COM — Source

3

Baffling things done by the CIA Boners, just boners Afghan informants would just spend their cash payoffs, which would make them stand out and lose access to the info they were supposed to be informing about. So according to a 2009 report, the CIA was paying them off with boner pills. Uhm, CIA? We have info about, erm, some stuff. CRACKED.COM — Source

2

Black Panther

CRACKED.COM Baffling things done by the CIA Debunking Black Panther When Black Panther won three Oscars, he CIA's Twitter account just had to debunk it as complete fantasy - which yeah, CIA, we know. Gee, it's almost like they're trying to discredit the idea of an African nation thriving by hiding from meddling foreign governments. — Source

1

Baffling things done by the CIA Failing their informants In 2021, counterintelligence officials reported that the CIA underestimated foreign intelligence and was too quick to recruit its contacts - meaning that civilians serving as informants in authoritarian regimes were being captured, killed, or compromised. In short: They're throwing America's friends under the bus. It doesn't take Tom Clancy to see a problem there. CRACKED.COM — Source

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