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41 Absurd Laws and Legal Defenses That Prove Lawyers Are Just Boring Wizards

Lawyers are wizards, laws are spells, nothing makes sense

41 Absurd Laws and Legal Defenses That Prove Lawyers Are Just Boring Wizards

March 15, 2024

The legal system is archaic as hell. Lawyers just stand up and say a bunch of nonsense, and hope that it glamours a panel of strangers into agreeing. A lot of times it does!

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41

Affluenza

A kid got off easy for being a spoiled rich brat. 100E In 2013, 16-year-old Ethan Couch plowed his truck into a group of people, killing four and injuring nine. His father's defense team argued that he had affluenza, that is, he was too rich to know any better. Judge Jean Boyd agreed, and sent him to rehab instead of prison. CRACKED — Source

40

My breasts are too big to fit through that hole. Japanese model Serena Kozakura was cleared of charges after the court agreed her breasts were too big to fit through a hole that she had been accused of crawling through. The presiding judge agreed with the defense lawyer holding up a plate showing the size of Ms. Kozakura's bosom in comparison to the hole. CRACKED — Source

39

Roid Rage

A killer's lawyers blamed his actions on steroids. Steroids may have been to blame for a Keith Dukes' murderous rage, according to his defense team. They claimed that the defendant was on a triple dose of testosterone medication and this roid rage drove him over the edge. CRACKED — Source

38

A man attributed his shooting of a 13-year-old to urban fear syndrome. Nathaniel Hurt went on trial for killing a teenager after the child threw garbage on his property. His lawyer argued that he should be excused because of urban fear syndrome, a (made-up) condition he described as caused by 40 days of threats against his client's life. CRACKED — Source

37

Having a twin can let you get away with crimes. In Malaysia, identical twins were arrested for drug trafficking. Even though large amounts of opium and marijuana were found in a house one of the brothers had the key to, the judge ruled that police could not prove which man committed the crime. CRACKED — Source

36

Sleepwalking

The sleepwalking defense lets you to get away with crimes you commit in your sleep. People who do unexpected things in their sleep have a sometimes successful defense called the sleepwalking defense, where they say they weren't conscious or didn't mean to commit a crime. A man in Texas killed his mistress while sleepwalking and was successfully defended with this method. CRACKED — Source

35

The panic defense is how homophobes try to get away with murder. This legal strategy tries to get a jury to agree that a person's sexual orientation or gender identity/expression made someone else so mad they reacted violently. The idea is that by making the victim seem less than human, their life isn't worth as much and the attacker shouldn't be held liable. CRACKED — Source

34

The Matrix is used as a legal defense. Since the movie's release, an increasing number of defendants have claimed they believed they were living in a virtual reality. While some judges have found this to be enough for reason of insanity, experts agree that most copycat defenses would not hold up in court. CRACKED — Source

33

PMS

PMS is used as a defense against murder charges. Since the 19th century, premenstrual issues have been used as defenses in crimes such as shoplifting and arson-and even murder sometimes. The Rajasthan High Court in India acquitted a woman of pushing three children into a well, killing one, due to doctors testifying that she suffered from severe PMS prior to the event. CRACKED — Source

32

A lawyer argued his polygamist client needed his driver's license to see both of his wives. Mohammed Anwar pleaded guilty to speeding. His lawyer argued that, having two wives under Islamic law, Anwar needs his license to be able to regularly see both of them. The sheriff allowed him to keep it. CRACKED — Source

31

John Hinckley tried to kill Reagan and was found insane, which caused a public uproar. Hinckley became obsessed with the movie Taxi Driver and its young star Jodie Foster. Не tried to assassinate President Reagan in order to impress her, but was found not guilty by reason of insanity. The public was outraged, and laws were passed restricting the use of the defense. CRACKED — Source

30

Too Fat to Be Guilty

2 3 4 5 9 7 9 8 20 - 10 127 120 11 129 130 12 131 132 13 133 14 134 5 135 18 136 17 137 il 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 24 145 25 146 26 too fat to be guilty. 147 The defendant is 27 A jury in New Jersey found Edward Ates guilty of killing his former son-in-law Paul Duncsak in 2006, despite the defense's claim that Ates was too overweight to have committed the crime. CRACKED — Source

29

A dude tried to fake a heart attack to get out of his trial. In 2008, Keison Wilkins faked a heart attack during his closing argument in hopes of getting a mistrial, but no one in the courtroom bought it. Не continued is act even after returning to the defense table. Не ended up being sentenced to 42 years in prison. CRACKED — Source

28

PRIVENT LE YORK MBY A cop shot a ninth-grader and was found not guilty by reason of insanity. In 1976, Robert Torsney shot a kid in the head, claiming the victim had reached for a silver object. After being found not guilty by reason of insanity, he was released from psychiatric care and denied a disability pension. CRACKED — Source

27

UTAH You MAY marry your cousin in Utah - as long as you're over 65. CRACKED.COM — Source

26

CHINA You MAY NOT depict time travel. The state would prefer that you live in the now. CRACKED.COM — Source

25

Currency

CANADA You MAY NOT pay with too many coins. 1972 CENT CANADA ISC and 2006 CANADA There's a limit of 25 pennies, 100 nickels, and 20 toonies per transaction. CRACKED.COM — Source

24

KENTUCKY You MAY NOT dye small animals... in quantities smaller than 6 per batch. CRACKED.COM — Source

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23

KENTUCKY To hold public office, you MUST certify that you've never participated in a duel. CRACKED.COM — Source

22

WASHINGTON You MAY NOT shoot Bigfoot. CRACKED.COM — Source

21

SANTA CRUZ You MAY NOT practice metaphysics (without a license) CRACKED.COM — Source

20

NORTH CAROLINA A game of Bingo MAY NOT last longer than 5 hours. CRACKED.COM — Source

19

SOUTH BEND, INDIANA You MAY NOT teach a monkey to smoke. The guy who got caught was fined $5. Put another way: it only costs $5 to smoke with a monkey. CRACKED.COM — Source

18

CHINA You MAY NOT attempt reincarnation without a permit. It's meant to give China dibs on the next Dalai Lama, but you'd better fill out the paperwork to be safe. CRACKED.COM — Source

17

FRANCE You MAY NOT name your pig out of vengeance. Naming your pig after Napoleon, or any head of state, is expressly forbidden. CRACKED.COM — Source

16

INDIA You MUST warn neighbors, via drums, if you spot locusts. Any 14-year-old male living within 5 miles of a swarm is obliged to sound a warning. CRACKED.COM — Source

15

INDIANA You MAY NOT smooch with a cookie duster. Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans. CRACKED.COM — Source

14

CHÂTEAUNEUF-DU-PAPE, FRANCE You MAY NOT fly your alien space craft. Any aircraft, known as flying saucer or flying cigar... will be immediately held in custody. CRACKED.COM — Source

13

DENMARK You MAY NOT name your baby something dumb. There are 7,000 pre-approved names that don't require special permission. CRACKED.COM — Source

12

NORTH CAROLINA Hotel registrations are legally binding. It's illegal to pretend to be married upon checking in. Conversely, a marriage can be anulled if the couple is unable to conceive. CRACKED.COM — Source

11

UNITED KINGDOM You MAY NOT wield a salmon suspiciously. This has been on the books since 1986. CRACKED.COM — Source

10

IDAHO You MAY practice cannibalism, but only in an emergency. Recreational cannibalism is strictly prohibited. CRACKED.COM — Source

9

ALABAMA You MAY NOT wear a gag mustache in church. Fake mustaches are fine, so long as they're not intended to get a laugh. CRACKED.COM — Source

8

CANADA You MUST play 35% Canadian music. JUSTIN BIEBER NICKELBACK SILVER SIDE UP my WORLD 2.0 Canadian radio stations have to blast 21 minutes of Canadian tunes per hour. CRACKED.COM — Source

7

SOUTH AFRICA You MAY NOT wrestle a bear. Bears (not native to South Africa) may not, under any circumstances, be put in a full or half nelson. CRACKED.COM — Source

6

JAPAN You MUST have your waist measured The Metabo Law calls for CRACKED.COM annually. BJ BZ co fines for people whose 84 85 96 37 waists get to large. 9 12 13 14 15 92 16 93 17 94 18 95 19 96 20 97 21 98 22 99 23 100 24 101 25 102 26 103 27 104 105 — Source

5

Poland

POLAND You MAY NOT wear a Winnie The Pooh t-shirt. The pantsless Pooh has been deemed an inappropriate hermaphrodite. CRACKED.COM — Source

4

WESTERN AUSTRALIA You MAY NOT have more than 110 pounds of potatoes. Potato smuggling was a bigger deal in 1946. CRACKED.COM — Source

3

PERU You MAY NOT serve spicy food in prison. You wouldn't want to constantly arouse their sexual desire. CRACKED.COM — Source

2

GERMANY You MAY NOT cause a nuclear explosion. Nukes: not even once. CRACKED.COM — Source

1

UNITED ARAB EMIRATES No PDA in the UAE. One couple, who claimed they were performing CPR on the beach, was jailed for a year. CRACKED.COM — Source

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