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32 Horrible Ideas That Were Once Marketed As Children’s Toys

March 16, 2024

As you may have noticed from perusing our prestigious site, big companies can screw up in shocking, internationally newsworthy ways. Their brainless blunders are all laughs, but when it comes to kids’ toy slipups, it’s definitely not all laughs. It‘s just mostly laughs. With a few eye-widening “yeesh”es.

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32

Nazi Happy Nazis Tank Discovery AGES 6+ KIDS + 18 over 160 PIECES Panzer IV CONSTRUCTION PLAYSET WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD-Small parts. Not for children under J years. CRACKED.COM ИАТ a capaau your — Source

31

A toy gun that shoots delicious Pez candies? 98 98 fun to eat fun to shoot Ready- Aim- Fire! PEZ SHOOTER DISPENSER SEE BACK FOR EXCITING TARGET GAME ANY BASTER AB2 R E2 P = E E PE2 N - MAINE NEWTONK.NET What could possibly go wrong? CRACKED COM — Source

30

CRACKED.COM A BLACK PERSON AS A MONKEY? SOMEBODY SAID. ADORABLE! NO ONE WILL EVER OBJECT. A sock monkey representing Barack Obama was released by a Utah-based company during the '08 presidential race. Its makers claimed they never intended to upset anyone with their cute and cuddly monkey, somehow unaware that this is an old and tired racist caricature. — Source

29

CRACKED.COM IT TOOK DEAD CHILDREN TO BAN LAWN DARTS. Contains 4 JAVELIN DARTS 2 TARGET CIRCLES HASBRO JAVELIN DARTS If you're going, What the hell were they thinking to sell huge flying metal spikes to play with, S you're not alone. The U.S. banned them for good in the late '80s-but only after they had caused thousands of injuries (and a few deaths) over three decades. — Source

28

Bratz Babyz

CRACKED.COM BRATZ BABYZ SHOW YOU'RE NEVER TOO YOUNG TO BE A MINX. - in These dolls went through the whole process of being conceived, designed, pitched, approved, manufactured, and distributed, and apparently no one along the line thought of saying, You know, maybe we really shouldn't sexualize babies. — Source

27

Strange Toys

CRACKED G COM YOU CAN GO HIKING WITH KARL MARX AND HIS FRIENDS! MOUNTAIN RESEARCH Japanese toy maker Mountain Research released a foursome of surveyors modeled after Karl Marx, Vladimir Lenin, Mao Zedong, and Henry David Thoreau. There's no indication as to why two Communist dictators, the philosopher who inspired them, and an unrelated poet guy are hiking mountain trails. — Source

26

CRACKED.COM APRIL O'NEIL WILL SHOW YOU A GOOD TIME. Hey, do you remember that episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles where April was a streetwalker? Neither do we, but that didn't stop Playmates Toys from releasing this Ravishing Reporter action figure, complete with detachable skirt. — Source

25

CRACKED.COM THIS TRICYCLE WAS THE MOST OBVIOUS RECALL EVER. The Disney Princess Plastic Racing Trike brings a fantasy kingdom close to your children. So close, in fact, they risk getting it impaled in their little skulls. One sudden stop is all it takes. To no one's surprise, this murdercycle was recalled in 2011. — Source

24

CRACKED COM WHAT'S CUDDLIER THAN A BABY? A PREMATURE BABY! In a misguided attempt at... well, something, Coleco released preemie Cabbage Patch Kids in the 1980s. The preemies were smaller and had less hair that the regular dolls. Not included were the incubator and tubes required to keep real prematures babies alive, as that could have made them less adorable. — Source

23

НИ gerfa DON'T DENY IT. 20 Fahrt sun CRACKED COM elen YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO PLAY WITH THE PLAGUES OF EGYPT. on und PLAGUES Berfin Codes, fb befoble áußer ment, de eborgen anbend If anything is ripe to be captured in soft, cuddly animal form, it's surely the Lord's mighty wrath being visited upon Pharaoh and his people. Now your child can enjoy locusts, boils, dead firstborns, and other such fun! — Source

22

CRACKED.COM OREO BARBIE DIDN'T LAST LONG ON THE SHELVES. Oreo Barbie, born in 1997 from a cross-promotional partnership between Mattel and Nabisco, came in both white and black versions. You can tell every person involved was white because nobody knew that MA Oreo is a derogatory OREO term in the African American community for a black person who is ORE white on the inside. — Source

21

CRACKED.COM IT'S A STRIPPER POLE! FOR PRETEENS! peekabo Pole Date This toy stripper pole, complete with a garter and money to stuff into it, could be found in 2006 in the British grocery store chain Tesco. They denied the pole was marketed to children, despite the fact that it was exhibited in the - toy section and advertised boo I I as suitable for 11-year-olds. — Source

20

Freddy Krueger

IN 1989. MATCHBOX CAME OUT WITH A TALKING FREDDY KRUEGER DOLL. Ages 6 and up. MATENBOX The toy was intended A Nightmare for ages 8 and up. ON ELM STREET Hí. From a movie in which THIS happens. IM FREDDY! SEE BACK PANEL Pull the string on his back and he'll say things TALKING FREDDY like, Pleasant dreams! NY ABCC KRUEGER and Let's be friends. CRACKED.COM http://www.amazon.com/Nightmare-Street-Original-Talking-Kreuger/dp/B001BVIYI2 — Source

19

1. REMOVE THE PLUG FROM BATMAN'S BUTT. 2. FILL WITH WATER. 3. PUMP HIS TRIGGER. 4. SQUIRT YOUR FRIENDS! GRAGKED.COM http://herocomplex latimes com/uncafegonzed/ top-10-vintage-batman-toys-far-your-inner-boy-wonder/ — Source

18

Dune

YOU CAN COLOR IN BARON HARKONNEN'S WEEPING PUSTULES IN THIS DUNE-THEMED ACTIVITY BOOK FOR KIDS. DUNE ACTIVITY BOOK I - - - - Dune was a trippy sci-fi drama about space drugs, complicated galactic political intrigues and Sting in his underwear. CRACKED.COM http://oihouse.net/2011/03/franchised-goodies-for-the-children-of-dune/ — Source

17

Jar Jar Binks

THIS CANDY TREAT LETS YOU FRENCH-KISS JAR JAR BINKS. doo I JANES Binks JUI ART adidas COMM I PISODE WARS STAR dom I ORIGINAL We're assuming it tastes like thinly-veiled racism. CRACKED.COM — Source

16

ARCHIE BUNKER'S GRANDSON IS A BABY DOLL WITH A PENIS. The toy was released during the heyday of All in ARCHIE BUNKER'S the Family, a '70s sitcom GRANDSON centered around a JOEY STIVIC blue-collar bigot. DHS A WTT DOLLIS A PHYSICALLY CORRECT IDEAL MALE The commercial makes a point of calling the doll a physically correct boy. Twice. CRACKED.COM https://youtu.be/Eq qYTUjRNjH4 — Source

15

THE MISSILES LAUNCHED BY THIS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA TOY ACTUALLY PROVED DEADLY TO KIDS. The launcher caused ripped intestines, eye injuries, and one death when a missile lodged in a child's esophagus. They were recalled in 1979. SCARAB CRACKED.COM http://resources.lawinfo.com/personal-injury/products-liability/ — Source

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14

THE SNOOPY G PLUCE SOKY AM AAA THE ORIGINAL Snoopy SNO-CONE Sno-cone Machine MACHINE MAKE A SNOOPY TASTY TREAT CONTAINS A WITH ICE CUBES & FLAVOR PACK! LOOSE BRASS RIVET WARNING: CHOCKNG - NET WT 50 OZ (4.77g) THAT CAN CAUTION 400 NCOM HAPPINE them - - DROP INTO THE SNOW CONES. It's been recalled. GRACKED.COM http://www toysnusinc com/safety/recalls/snoopy-sno-cone-machine/ — Source

13

THE PUNISHER SHAPE- SHIFTER IS so GLAD TO SEE YOU. In the interest of full disclosure, we should note that he's pictured mid-transformation, at left. He's actually meant to shoot darts out of his ass. CRACKED.COM http://www.collector-actionfigures com/dash/universe/catalog_item/AF-382048/ — Source

12

MACFARLANE STUDIOS RECENTLY ANNOUNCED THE RELEASE OF A NEW SERIES OF WALKING DEAD ACTION FIGURES. Included: Mud Walker, Carl Grimes, Michonne and Gareth. The Mud Walker figure splits in half so you can mount his upper body on the base with a flash flood sign, SO it emerges from the mud. The Gareth figure comes with a rotting human carcass. CRACKED.COM http://comicbook.com/2014/09/1 12/the-walking-dead-tv-series-7-action-figures-announced/ — Source

11

THIS IS THE HARRY POTTER NIMBUS 2000 VIBRATING BROOM. Sadly, they're no longer sold. It's a dick- shaped toy that vibrates when children stick it between their legs. (actual photo from Amazon) Actual Amazon review: When my 12 year old daughter asked for this for her birthday, I kind of wondered if she was too old for it, but she seems to LOVE it. Her friends love it too! They play for hours in her bedroom with this great toy. They really seem to like the special effects it offers (the sound effects and vibrating). My oldest daughter (17) really — Source

10

THE VERMONT TEDDY BeAR COMPANY SELLS A FIFTY SHADES OF GREY TEDDY BeAR. Actual text from the website: Want to leave her biting her lip with excitement? Send a gift that will dominate the rest. It comes with a mask and handcuffs. CRACKED.COM http://www.vermontteddybear.com/seligroup/fifty-shades-of-grey-bear.aspx? — Source

9

Breaking Bad

PARENTS RECENTLY PETITIONED TOYS R US TO PULL THE BREAKING BAD ACTION FIGURES FROM THEIR SHELVES. WARNING: Ages CHOKING HAZARD The Walter White 15+ MY didas figure comes with a 35 gun, a bag of cash, and Br eaking 56 a baggie full of meth*. Bad TOY FAIR NY 14 EXCLUSIVE Not actual meth. an actual gun or actual cash Walter White Collection Figure Toys R Us no longer sells them. CRACKED.COM — Source

8

Popeye

POPEYE METAL TAPPING SET CARLTON DANK METAL TAPPING POPEYE SET ARF! ARF! COMPLETE with - CRACKED.COM DECORATIVE FRAMES for BOYS A GIRLS TAPPING TOOLS AGES INSTRUCTIONS 4to 8 Why create art with paint and paper when you can chisel it into a sharp sliver of tin? — Source

7

SIXFINGER SIXFINGE THE MOST AMAZING TOY EVERY IT LOOKS LIKE A FINGER BUT IT DOES ALL THIS: CRACKED.COM 1.SHOOTS CAP BOMB GOS g : - f - - 3 نية I I For Party - - - - to - - It looks like a finger? Sure, if fingers had testicles. — Source

6

Sinking of the Titanic

SINKING OF THE TITANIC GAME The sinking of the TITANIC game TITANIC CRACKED.COM IDEAL The game you play as the ship goes down... then face the perli of the open sea! ADES MONICA REQUIRED The sounds of people drowning are something that I can not describe to you... it's the most dreadful sound. -Eva Hart, Titanic survivor — Source

5

Atomic Energy Lab

ATOMIC ENERGY LAB GILBERT physics - ... ATOMIC ENERGY LAB PERFORME DMIN 150 - بهد - - - - - - . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - available - - - - Epecting! Safe! - GILBERT VALL DE SCIENCE .... CRACKED.COM SILBERT CLOUD CHAMPIER Did the Atomic Energy Lab come with actual uranium? Why, yes. Yes, it did. — Source

4

BUTCHER PLAYSET GRACKED.COM The trouble started when Jeffrey asked if we could pretend to disembowl a hog. — Source

3

CHEST WIG THE FOR THAT MACHO SELF ADHESIVE LOOK! CHEST WIG CRACKED.COM MADE IN ENGLAND Stick that thatch anywhere you want to jumpstart puberty. — Source

2

KRIMSON TERROR the EDIDUERG line CRACKED.COM KRIMSON TORROR PLANNIC MONSTER CONSTRUCTION KIT The make-your-own monster with the three-handed crotch. — Source

1

Pinky Lee Medicine Chest

PINKY LEE MEDICINE CHEST BAND-AD - - IVORY. Pinky Lee TOY medicine CHORAGNED.COM THE GOOD HABIT TOY Learn Pinky Lee's secret shames, then refill all the good prescriptions. — Source

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