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31 Toys, Video Games, Movies and TV Shows That Could Never Be Made Today

Simpler times. Simpler, more ignorant times

31 Toys, Video Games, Movies and TV Shows That Could Never Be Made Today

January 23, 2024

Boomers, Gen-Xers, and even geriatric Millennials love to throw around a solid, “Back in my day…” Until some really questionable stuff gets brought up. Nostalgia is funny like that. It can cherry pick the Tamagotchis, but totally forget the black face jokes.

31

Australian TV

AUSTRALIA'S naughtiest HOME VIDEOS With DOHLS CANCELED RIGHT AWAY AUSTRALIA'S NAUGHTIEST HOME VIDEOS In 1992, this raunchier version of America's Funniest Home Videos included a boy eating maggots and a man spinning a basketball on his penis. It was pulled halfway through the first episode, and a Cheers rerun took its place. CRACKED — Source

30

CANCEL ED RIGHT AWAY WHO'S YOUR DADDY? WHO'S YOUR DADDY? In 2005, an adopted woman had to pick her biological father out of a lineup of men. If she picked right, she won cash; if she picked wrong, that man got the cash. The huge backlash from adoption agencies and adoptive parents had it canceled right away. CRACKED — Source

29

CANCELED RIGHT AWAY HEIL HONEY I'M HOME! A British sitcom involving Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun not being able to get along with their Jewish neighbors aired one (1) episode, but everyone wondered how the highly offensive show ever aired at all. CRACKED — Source

28

The Swan FOX, 2004 This perverse ugly duckling allegory gave reality show contestants S 2004 extreme plastic surgery. That, and a lifetime of body dysmorphia, depression and agoraphobia. CRACKED.COM — Source

27

Kid Nation CBS - 2007 Lord of the Flies meets... actually, it's just Lord of the Flies. BONANZA SALOON 40 kids between 8 and 15 spent a month trying to create a working society from scratch. CRACKED.COM — Source

26

They couldn't 2 WORK IT EPISODES CRACKED abc Somehow, the best show about the recession ABC could think of was two men have to dress in drag to get jobs...really. — Source

25

The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer

THE SECRET DIARY OF DESMOND PFEIFFER 4 stayed mostly unread EPISODES CRACKED A freed black slave is the serious butler to a wacky version of President Abe Lincoln - need we say more? — Source

24

CRACKED YOUR ENTIRE PLOT CAN'T INVOLVE RIGID GENDER NORMS. MR. MOM A laid-off man becomes a stay-at-home dad while his wife returns to work. Jokes about a man changing diapers and ironing shirts couldn't be seen as ridiculous today. Don't worry, in the happy ending, he returns to work and his wife gets back to the homestead. — Source

23

CRACKED YOUR ENTIRE PLOT CAN'T BE ONE BIG TRANS JOKE ANYMORE. ACE VENTURA: PET DETECTIVE The Einhorn is Finkle, Finkle is Einhorn plot has one big reveal of Einhorn's bulge tucked between her legs. This would never be played up as a joke today, and we wonder why it was even needed to tell a stolen dolphin story. — Source

22

CRACKED YOU CAN'T HARASS AND HOSPITALIZE ACTORS (OR KILL BIRDS) ANYMORE. THE BIRDS Alfred Hitchcock pelted actress Tippi Hedren with live birds (injuring and killing them), and force-fed whisky to seagulls to get them to stay still. Hedren was hospitalized, and he ruined her career when she refused his sexual advances. — Source

21

CRACKED BLACK FACE CAN'T BE YOUR ENTIRE PLOT ANYMORE. SOUL MAN In the 1986 movie, a spoiled white kid pretends to be black to nab a Harvard scholarship exclusive to black students. It does raise awareness of prejudice and racism, but all the blackface made it wildly offensive, even for 1986 standards. — Source

20

CRACKED YOU CAN'T KILL 100 HORSES ANYMORE. BEN HUR The 1925 epic won 11 Oscars, but as many as 100 horses were killed on set. The 2nd unit director reportedly ordered horses be shot and killed if they limped without first seeking veterinary care. — Source

19

CRACKED YOU CAN'T KILL EXTRAS ANYMORE. FITZCARRALDO In Werner Herzog's 1982 film, several indigenous extras were injured or even killed. A Peruvian logger was bit by a venomous snake on set and had to cut off his own foot with a chainsaw to stop the poison from spreading. — Source

18

CRACKED YOUR VILLAIN'S PLOT CAN'T BE EASILY THWARTED BY GOOGLE. TOMORROW NEVER DIES ILL BACK ST This Bond villain is a media mogul who plans to manipulate the news to incite war between China and the UK. Today, social media and a quick googling of countless news sources would label this fake news within a few minutes. — Source

17

Hooters Road Trip RELEASED ON: PLAYSTATION NOT - 02 FINISH boten CRACKED.COM Disappointingly, this titillating title is a rally racer that relegates the titular Hooters girls into being sparsely used, grainy .MOVs that compliment your driving prowess. — Source

16

Pepsiman RELEASED ON: PLAYSTATION TOTAL DRINK! CRACKED.COM Pepsi's Japanese superhero mascot got his own game at the end of the '90s, in the form of an action endless-runner, which is more fondly remembered than the carbonated high fructose corn syrup it's named after. — Source

15

Quest For Oil AREAN RELEASED ON: WEB $2152K DRIFF BEE INTETIRIT 64% RPM Distance to oil 3893 2113m University Afren - adidas TOTOL - lear Unit Limestone HARD Main GRACKED.COM You chose locations on the globe to plunder for resources, advised by the first result under brunette in business attire on your stock photo account of choice, for Maersk. — Source

14

Mojo Master RELEASED ON: PC how sounsports et up Ice CRACKED.COM Axe Body Spray leaned hard into the appeal to horned-up teenage boys marketing strategy with this seduction game that is just a glorified PG peep show. — Source

13

Video Games

Harald Hardtooth: Fight of the Clean Teeth 000000 1UP RELEASED ON: COMMODORE 64 CRACKED.COM Released in Denmark, this is Colgate's answer to the question where is an anthropomorphic tooth to fight bacteria in the ramshack town that is my diseased mouth? — Source

12

Captain Novolin RELEASED ON: SUPER NINTENDO CRACKED.COM Funded by insulin maker Novolin, the side-scroller stars the titular (and diabetic) hero as he tries to save Pineville's (also) diabetic mayor, who only has 48 hours worth of insulin. This makes the stakes of the game distressingly realistic. — Source

11

America's Army RELEASED ON: PC CRACKED.COM Predating Call of Duty by one year, this US Army recruitment tool and propaganda vehicle spawned 7 sequels, an arcade port, and an untold number of Ford F-150's with a Punisher skull decal. — Source

10

Video Games

Pepsi Invaders RELEASED ON: ATARI 2600 a = U I P S I S - L S 2:58 CRACKED.COM Coca-Cola made 125 copies of this Space Invaders reskin to hand out at a sales convention. This is the 1983 version of McDonalds making a VR game where you execute the Burger King. — Source

9

Fight Club 2004 Angel Face CRACKED.COM If you remember the movie Fight Club for the message it's really cool to take off your shirt and punch people, then this game was made for you. Although stripped of the complexity that made the movie compelling, you can unlock Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst and break Jared Leto's spine. — Source

8

THIS CANDY TREAT LETS YOU FRENCH-KISS JAR JAR BINKS. doo I CANDY Binks JOE ARS FINA COMM I ORIGINAL I PISODE WARS STAR - We're assuming it tastes like thinly-veiled racism. CRACKED.COM — Source

7

1. REMOVE THE PLUG FROM BATMAN'S BUTT. 2. FILL WITH WATER. 3. PUMP HIS TRIGGER. 4. SQUIRT YOUR FRIENDS! GRAGKED.COM http://herocomplex tatimes com/uncategorized/ top-10-vintage-batman-toys-for-your-inner-boy-wonder/ — Source

6

CRACKED.COM A BLACK PERSON AS A MONKEY? SOMEBODY SAID. ADORABLE! NO ONE WILL EVER OBJECT. A sock monkey representing Barack Obama was released by a Utah-based company during the '08 presidential race. Its makers claimed they never intended to upset anyone with their cute and cuddly monkey, somehow unaware that this is an old and tired racist caricature. — Source

5

Product Recalls Sky Dancers In 2000, Galoob Toys Inc. recalled 8.9 million Sky Dancers flying dolls due to reports of 150 injuries, including eye injuries, broken teeth, a mild concussion, a broken rib, and facial lacerations. CRACKED — Source

4

KRIMSON TERROR the CONDIERG ling CRACKED.COM KRIMSON TORROR PLANNIC MONSTER CONSTRUCTION KIT The make-your-own monster with the three-handed crotch. — Source

3

THIS IS THE HARRY POTTER NIMBUS 2000 VIBRATING BROOM. Sadly, they're no longer sold. It's a dick- shaped toy that vibrates when children stick it between their legs. (actual photo from Amazon) Actual Amazon review: When my 12 year old daughter asked for this for her birthday, I kind of wondered if she was too old for it, but she seems to LOVE it. Her friends love it too! They play for hours in her bedroom with this great toy. They really seem to like the special effects it offers (the sound effects and vibrating). My oldest daughter (17) really — Source

2

THE PUNISHER SHAPE- SHIFTER IS so GLAD TO SEE YOU. In the interest of full disclosure, we should note that he's pictured mid-transformation, at left. He's actually meant to shoot darts out of his ass. CRACKED.COM com/dash/universe/catalog_item/AF-382048/ — Source

1

THE MISSILES LAUNCHED BY THIS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA TOY ACTUALLY PROVED DEADLY TO KIDS. The launcher caused ripped intestines, eye injuries, and one death when a missile lodged in a child's esophagus. They were recalled in 1979. SCARAB CRACKED.COM http://resources.lawinfo.com/personal-injury/products-liability/ — Source

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