32 of the Funniest Things Said by People’s Family Members

32 of the Funniest Things Said by People’s Family Members

Name the funniest person you can think of. No, it’s not George Carlin. It’s not even Gilda Radner. It’s your dad. It’s always your dad. And if it’s not your dad, it’s somebody else’s. Take, for example, the Redditor who detailed an argument they had with their grandmother, only for their father to reply, “Now you know why your grandfather’s dead,” and leave the room. Those kinds of one-liners are honed after years of observation and falling asleep in front of the TV. 

But dads aren’t the only ones getting their zingers in. Other Redditors offered up the funniest things their family members have ever said to them, and a number of these people have the makings of comedy legends.  

 . 1 11y I was playing family feud on my Ipad with my dad and the question was name something that comes in two. Не replied immediately TITTIES!! It wasn't there...

 11y My dad at the doctor: Dr: Have you been experiencing any loss of memory? Dad: Am I really the person to ask? Dr: Point taken. Any sudden loss of consciousness? Dad: I don't remember. ... 1.8k

terracombo 11y My dad was talking to my brother about a waitress at a restaurant. Hey, I think she was hitting on you. Nahh... Are you still dating that one girl? No, we broke up. Man...you could have had two girlfriends. You messed up. ... 479

smccormick92 . 11y Me in the kitchen, mom doing dishes and dad ready the newspaper. My mom turns to me and says Mom: You know, you have really grown up into a very handsome man. My dad, without looking up from the paper says Dad: Oh honey, don't lie to the boy. ... 308

 . 1 11y My dad trying on my fleece-lined snowboarding mittens: It's like sticking your hand in a lamb's ass! ... 14

anacche . 11y My maternal grandma, in a moment befitting the almost politically correct redneck meme, said to me I support the gays. They should be able to get married. But Lesbians? I don't get it. There's no dick!. TL;DR my nan LOVES the cock. ... 1.3k

 11y My mom has been reading 50 Shades of Grey while we've been on vacation. In the airport on Tuesday, she goes, You're more knowledgeable about sex than I am. What's caning and flogging? I wanted to die from laughter and humiliation. ... 673

rObVious 11y I was riding down an old curvy road in my Dad's pickup, just bouncing along over all the potholes and places where the surrounding tree roots had lifted the road, when a dead raccoon appeared in the road ahead. Up until this point, we hadn't been talking. My dad suddenly slows down and pulls right up next to the carcass. Rolls down his window, leans out to look at it and says, hey buddy.... You okay? ...before speeding off again. Comedy gold to my then 13 year old self. ... 1k

freeport . 1 11y My Dad at the hair salon: - Overly chatty hairdresser: How do you want your hair cut sir? Dad: Quietly ... 151

captumlux . 11y My dad was once asked. What do you think Kurt Cobain would be doing if he was alive today? Without skipping a beat he replied: Probably screaming and banging the coffin. ... 26

Joey_Mousepad . 11y For some reason, out of nowhere, my dad told me girls don't mind going through the bush to get to the berries. I still don't know why that comment got said... ... 355

Average_Joke . . 11y What are you gonna do? Kick me in my nuts? I had a vasectomy; my nuts don't work anyways. -My dad. ... 608

retroco . 11y My mom is sort of a prude, yet she loves Eminem, TI, and Jay-z. One day she said, If I could make it as a white, middle-aged, woman rapper, I would. ... 889

sith6six . 11y After arguing with my grandmother about some ridiculous stuff. I vented long and angrily to my dad who simply replied: Now you know why your grandfather is dead and turned and walked out of the room. ... 725

irockthecatbox . 1 11y You should be a stripper, they make a lot of money. From my mom to me. I'm a guy. ... 560

 . 11y Mom: Fuck your dad! Everything that is bad about you comes from him. Your bad eyesight, the bumps on your arms, your A.D.D. You probably got the decent penis size from me. I'm hoping she was joking about the last thing. ... 640

Totesmcgotes702 . 11y My mom is very nit picky about the weirdest things, once when I was heating up oatmeal in the microwave I used a ceramic bowl which cracked loudly so we all heard it. I took it out and it was a small crack I was going to proceed to eat my food when my mom snatches it away and yells STOP! THIS BOWLS A DEADLY WEAPON I couldn't stop laughing, she then explained little pieces could've gotten in my oatmeal. ... 90

droppedthebaby . 1 11y I once brought a girl home. We went upstairs for a second and came straight back down. My mother turns around and says: just like his father!!! ... 109

Razhel . 11y When I was first learning to drive, I asked my mom why cars were built to go super fast when we're not allowed to go over 70 mph. She thought for a moment, then replied, Because men have testosterone. ... 31

 . 11y Always go for the girl in the white shorts, then you know she isn't on her period. Thanks dad. ... 402

R2D2Legit2Quit . 11y When I was 10 my dad and I were driving home from the beach and I only was wearing a towel. Не looked over noticed I wasn't wearing a seatbelt and yelled at me to put it on. There were no cars around at the time and I felt it wasn't necessary, and then I asked him why I had to. Не replied, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO THE COPS WHY A LITTLE NAKED ASIAN BOY FLEW OUT MY WINDSHIELD IF WE CRASH. edit: please read my father's voice in the voice of

 . 11y I remember one day my Dad who was 76 at the time asked me what Twitter was after hearing it on the news. I told him something like Well it's this website where you go and you say something that's on your mind or what you're doing at that moment. Не looked at me blankly for about three seconds processing what I told him and then shouted out WHO GIVES A SHIT?!. ... 1.4k

100redsmarties . 11y My Dad was at the optometrist a long time ago. A 6 came on one of the lines, and when the doctor asked him to read it, he replied upside-down 9 ... 33

gypsy_remover. 11y My house phone rings and my father picks up. Apparently it's a dance company telemarketer that has been calling us for days, all he says is We are a family of paraplegics asshole. I was in hysterics. ... 1.1k

ElCapitanoMan . 11y When I got my first girlfriend, my friend told my dad that I had one so he asked What's her name? So I told him and he was just like okay. Later that day, he comes into my room with a handful of condoms, hands them to me and says If you're my son, you'll need these. Make me proud. Then walks out and we never speak a word of this again. ... 387

smccormick92 . 11y My parents have a baby picture of my sister that had been hanging in their room for as long as I can remember. One day I made a comment about it. Something about how it doesn't really look like my older sister. My dad then says: that is because it isn't. That is the sample picture that came with the frame. When I asked him why he had a fake photo hanging in his room he says Son, your sister had a condition as a baby.... she was very ugly. This baby on the other hand is

dhays202 11y We were at a Monster Truck event, where my Dad proved once again he can fall asleep anywhere like a fucking champion. As the drivers of the trucks walked out to stand in a line and be introduced to the crowd, the voice of the announcer caused my dad to snuffle awake momentarily, look around, and say Ah. The Athletes. before instantly falling back asleep. ... 143

jennaleek 11y One year when I was a young teen, after a turkey dinner, my mom decided to boil the turkey for soup and such. She puts the leftover turkey in the pot and says, reach in the hole and pull out the neck bone for me. being a good daughter I did this seemingly gruesome task. I reach in and grab the slippery stiff neck bone. In utter disgust I pull it down saying ugh gawd, that's the grossest thing I've ever touched To this my mon replied good, cause that's what a penis feels like. Never touch one.

summerblue02 . . 11y Mother shouting across Old Navy Hey summerblue02 noticed your thongs are all dirty and worn out, lets grab more! - she was referring to my flip flops. ... 21

andrew33323 . 11y One time my mother told my dad I clean the house and cook you guys food. What would you do without me? My dad responded: Tell myself I need to get a wife ... 40

fille_fatale . 11y At a hotel: Me: Dad, those kids in the hot tub won't get out, and they've been in there for like an hour. Dad:  Kids: Uhhhh Dad: How you doing? Kids:  ... 67

 11y My dad once picked up a potato and looked at it for a moment before saying in the most deadpan voice, Ya know, from a certain angle, every potato looks like Richard Nixon. Pretty sure he was stoned, though. ... 77
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