15 Fart Crimes That Stink to High Heaven
Everyone farts. Presidents, empresses, stuntmen, clowns. They all sometimes expel foul-smelling gas from the hole between their buttocks. Thomas Edison farted. Catherine the Great farted. Dolly Parton farts. Shakespeare cut the cheese; Marie Curie passed gas. Horatio Nelson ripped ass; Rosalind Franklin sometimes let Fluffy off the chain.
Farts are part of life. Eating is necessary for survival, digestion involves gases being released, and gases need to get out of the body by whatever means are available to them — often popping through the butthole. It’s a dance as old as time. The first human to harness the flame definitely did some farting in their day. The shortest verse in the Bible is, famously, “Jesus wept” — it would only be two letters longer if it was “Jesus farted,” and, if Jesus was real, then he did. Maybe sometimes he even wept and farted at the same time. We’ve all been there!
There’s a time and a place for farts, however, and sometimes a little toot-toot is seen (and smelled) as unwelcome and impolite. If you were at a fancy restaurant and your dining companion blew off into your soup, for instance, you’d think that was inappropriate, and give serious thought as to how much you wanted to go on a second date.
Occasionally fart-related upsets lead to bigger repercussions than a bubbly minestrone, and the long arm of the law gets involved — not just to waft the honk away, but to make arrests. Flatulence-based crime makes up a fairly small percentage of incidents every year, apart from in Britain for some reason, where the headline “man arrested for farting” seems to appear daily. Perhaps it’s something to do with the large bean quotient of the British diet.
Say It, Don’t Spray It
In May 2023, two Texan teenagers brought a product, Hensgaukt Fart Spray, to class and were imprisoned for “possession of a chemical dispensing device.” It’s difficult to know how to feel about it — people were terrified. And yet, fart spray.
What Crappens in Vegas Sprays in Vegas
In October 2023, a couple on a Las Vegas bus were giggling at a fart one of them had done. A fellow passenger mistakenly thought they were laughing at him, and shot one of them. What an asshole.
Farts, Putting the ‘Fun’ into ‘Fundamental Human Rights’
In 2020, an Austrian man arrested in a park — allegedly — deliberately lifted one ass-cheek from the bench he was sitting on to fart at police. He argued it fell under his human right to freedom of expression.
In 2019, a Scotsman arrested on suspicion of driving while high was ordered to perform 75 hours of community service after repeatedly farting during a strip search. He followed each fart with the excellent phrase, “How do you like that?”
Blowing His Cover
In 2020, a fugitive hiding from police in the forests of Lincolnshire, England, accidentally gave away his position by farting. The cops were struggling to find him in the dark woods until he let one rip. Betrayal by anus: dreadful.
The Fart Next Door
In May 2023, a British man whose farts woke his neighbor was sentenced to community service. When confronted about the farts he would shine a flashlight into his neighbor’s eyes and threaten to “smash (his) head through the fucking floor.”
Making an Uber Smell Like a Pooper
In 2020, a British man told to leave an Uber by a disgusted driver after farting responded by punching the driver in the face. The drunken, violent farter was given a six-month suspended sentence.
The Air Up There
In 2018, a flight from Dubai from Amsterdam had to make an emergency landing in Vienna when a fight broke out over farts. Four Dutch passengers were removed from the plane for “aggressive behavior including threats.”
Your Mother Farts Farts in Hell
In 2013, a Romanian man sued a bishop and four priests for failing to exorcize a farting demon. He accused them of fraud, claiming, “They did not remove the demons that made these bad smells as they promised to do.”
New Jersey? Smells More Like Poo Jersey
In 2017, a worker at a New Jersey pork roll manufacturer was fired for, he claimed, farting too much due to gastric bypass surgery. A discrimination lawsuit alleging reactions to his farts created an abusive work environment was thrown out.
Das Stinkende Furzprocess
Much of 2016 and 2017 in Berlin was taken up by the Irrer-Pups Prozess, or “Crazy Toot Trial” — a year-long trial involving dozens of officers and officials, all stemming from someone farting during an ID check.
Adding Odor to Insult to Injury
In Sweden in 2016, a woman called the police after a man “farted maliciously” when she said she didn’t want to have sex with him. As the local newspaper noted, she “had found the smell of the fart disturbing.”
Shoplifting with a Wind Assist
A British shoplifter who farted in a police officer’s face while being arrested was jailed for 34 months in 2022. He also made fart noises with his mouth. This guy! This guy loves farts!
Police Follow Their Noses
In 2019, Missouri police unable to find a suspect hiding in his house were aided when he farted — the combination of smell and noise led to an arrest for possession of a controlled substance and a lot of delighted cops.
Short Shorts, Poo Poo Poo, Who Wears Short Shorts
In 2016, a British man was charged with cruelty after farting in a 12-year-old’s face while wearing shorts and saying he did so “because he wanted to be nasty.” He also punched the child, which is way less funny.