15 Jokes to Recite Without Context During a Lull in Your Next All-Hands Meeting
Enough with the rote pleasantries, the small talk about your CEO’s latest vacation and the “positive-trending numbers” that never seem to trend quite positively enough to justify a raise. If you really want to build synergy, belt out a line from famed incel Margaret Cho.
Billy Connolly on the Historical Accuracy of the Bible
“If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?”
Lisa Lampanelli on Managing Stressful Situations
“I was sweating like Kathie Lee at a Carrot Top look alike contest.”
Bob Hope Had a Positive Outlook on Aging
“I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.”
Robin Williams on Choosing Your Battles
“Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They’ve got nothing to lose.”
Chris Rock Says to Count Your Blessings (In So Many Words)
“People are starving all over the world, what do you mean, ‘Red meat will kill you’? Don’t eat no red meat? No, don’t eat no green meat! If you’re one of the chosen few people in the world lucky enough to get your hands on a steak, bite the shit out of it!”
Nick Swardson Hates Double Standards
“Everybody loves pot brownies. But I bring crystal meth cupcakes to a party, and suddenly I’m the weirdo.”
Margaret Cho on Regaining Her Innocence
“I have not had sex in almost two years. And once you hit two years, you get your virginity back. I’m going to just have to trick somebody into doing it. I’m going to have to cover it with leaves and hope somebody falls in.”
Mitch Hedberg on Assimilating on Tour
“When I play the South, they say ‘y’all’ in the South. They take out the ‘O’ and the ‘U.’ So when I’m in the South, I try to talk like that, so people understand me. ‘Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle… sp.’”
Bo Burnham Knows Ursine Mental Health Is Important
“I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.”
Rodney Dangerfield’s Version of ‘Look for the Helpers’
“Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, ‘Do you think we’ll ever find them?’ He said, ‘I don’t know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.’”
Taylor Tomlinson on Why You Age Out of Greeting Cards
“You guys try to buy greeting cards for your family as adults? Can’t do that anymore. Too much has happened. And Hallmark can’t cover it. When you’re a kid, you run into CVS on Father’s Day. ‘You’re the best dad in the whole world.’ I’m done!
“As an adult, you walk down that aisle, like, ‘You’ve always been there for me.’ Nope! ‘Thank you for accepting me exactly as I…’ Okay, try again. ‘I couldn’t have asked for a better…’ You know what? Screw this. Excuse me. Do you guys have any that just say ‘You are my dad’? How about, ‘You screwed my mom’? You got any of those? I’ll get a blank one. It’s fine. All right. ‘You are a father. This is a day. Here is a card.’ Nailed it.”
Demetri Martin Says to Dress for the Day You Want
“When you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flip flops, you’re saying, ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’”
Norm Macdonald Just Can’t Win
“They’re like, ‘You’re an alcoholic.’ I go ‘No, I’m not.’ And then apparently that’s what alcoholics say too, you know?”
Steven Wright Makes a Fine Point
“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”
Don’t threaten Doug Stanhope with a Good Time
“Some people say, ‘Yeah, I don’t have to drink to have a good time.’ Okay yeah, but that means you have to have a good time to have a good time.”
