15 Comebacks and Jokes to Keep in Your Back Pocket

Better write these down
15 Comebacks and Jokes to Keep in Your Back Pocket

You never know when you’ll run into your archnemesis, or find yourself in a bully’s crosshairs. That’s why you should always be prepared with 15 solid clapbacks you can deliver without a moment’s hesitation.

If You Update the ‘Spencer Pratt’ Reference to a More Zeitgeisty Celebrity Turd, This Anthony Jeselnik Line Is a Great Misdirect to Keep Your Nemesis on Their Heels

“Donald Trump is such a douchebag that if you look up the word ‘douchebag’ in the dictionary, there’s a picture of Spencer Pratt. But if you look close, Spencer Pratt is holding up a picture of Donald Trump.”

Nikki Glaser’s Strategy Is to Compare GOATs

“I don’t know much about football, but I love Peyton Manning in commercials. You’re so good in them, legitimately. I’d say you're the greatest of all time. I’d say, you’re like the Tom Brady of being in commercials. You know, the greatest.”

Jeff Ross Roasting a Random Inmate at Brazos County Jail in Texas

“You look like what happens when the morning-after pill kind of works.”

Use This Joan Rivers Line on the Babies and the Supermodels in Your Life

“Grandchildren can be fucking annoying. How many times can you go, ‘And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink’? It’s like talking to a supermodel.”

Feel Free to Use This Old School Les Dawson Line on an Alcoholic Birthday Boy

“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.”

Jeff Ross Has a Flair for Graphic Descriptions That Might Get Your Creative Juices Flowing

“You’re like Barney Rubble and Buddy Holly had a baby and then peed on it.”

Greg Giraldo’s Got the Perfect Zinger for the Gambling Addict in Your Life

“Norm Macdonald is here. One of the funniest people ever. Norm’s got a giant gambling problem. He’s dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.”

Giraldo Hit Gilbert Gottfried with This One, But It’ll Work on Any of Your Pinch-Faced Loudmouthed Friends

“Who would fuck you?!?! You have the sex appeal of a school bus fire.”

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog’s Off-the-Cuff Roast of a Pregnant ‘Star War’ Dweeb

Triumph: So what’s going on here, we’ve got a little future nerd in here?
Pregnant Woman: Yes, yes, future nerd. Future Jedi.
Triumph: When is he due?
Pregnant Woman: June 27th. Six weeks.
Triumph: Wow. That’s the last time he’ll ever see female genitalia!

Drop This Daniel Tosh Bomb on That Friend Who Loves to Make Excuses

“Don’t you love it when people in school are like, ‘I’m a bad test taker’? You mean, you’re stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I’m a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes.”

Use this Jeff Ross Burn on an Any Oldheads Trying to Get Your Goat

“Look at this: Abe Vigoda, Freddy Roman, Alan King... I’ve seen younger faces on cash.”

And Use This William Shatner Line, Which He Deployed on Charlie Sheen, on Any Young Gun Trying to Rip You for Being Old

“I’m 80, you’re 46 — how come we look like we went to high school together?”

You Can Borrow This Nick Di Paolo Line, Aimed at Denis Leary, for Any Irish Foe

“Why are we roasting you? You’re Irish, shouldn’t we be boiling you?”

Aziz Ansari Has a Great Retort in Case Your Enemy Goes Low and Lame with a Gay Joke

“So many gay jokes tonight about (James) Franco. Apparently if you’re clean, well dressed and mildly cultured, you’re super gay now. Is that why the rest of you guys are so aggressively fat and dirty? You think if you read one book and take a shower, dicks are going to just fly into your face.”

And Finally, Bianca Del Rio Has the Perfect Response in the Event Your Thin-Skinned Foe Tries to Rebut You

“I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.”

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