18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, November 9, 2023
If your dog is your best friend, that’s sad. You make your best friend beg for treats and micromanage what they eat. You have them sterilized so they can’t have their own family. If that’s not bad enough, you regularly take them out in public naked and restrained on a leash. You’re a bad friend. Get better by reading them these jokes, please.
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Richard Pryor on Cocaine
“I’m not addicted to cocaine... I just like the way it smells.”
Bernie Mac on Carpooling
“Okay, first rule of this carpool: No breaking wind in my car. The only gas that Bernie Mac want to be smelling is unleaded.”
Joe Pera on Valentine’s Day
“Every year on Valentine’s Day, a lot of people wear red to be festive, but I instead wear black out of respect for all the ladies’ hearts I’ve broken with this smile.”
Rodney Dangerfield on His Appearance
“I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a slingshot.”
Demetri Martin on Sports
“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies.”
Nick Thune on Roommates
“The other day, I walked in on my roommate while I was masturbating.”
Patton Oswalt on Denny’s
“You do not pop into Denny’s, grab food, and then pop back out because you have someplace to be. Denny’s is where you end up after a series of bad decisions and catastrophic twists of fate.”
Norm Macdonald on Role-Playing
“My wife dresses up like a nurse; then, I dress up like a nurse, also. And then, we don’t even have sex, either. We just sit behind this huge, semicircular wooden desk and get annoyed when people buzz us for juice.”
Anthony Jeselnik on His Girlfriend
“My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.”
Jimmy Carr on Charity
“A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street and said, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’ I said, ‘Alright, but we’re not going to get much done.’”
Steven Wright’s Life Advice
“You can’t have everything; where would you put it?”
Jim Gaffigan on His Family
“I come from a very big family — nine parents.”
Roy Wood Jr. on Being Vice President
“At the end of the day, the vice president, the only thing you got to do is just be better than Dick Cheney. They made a documentary about Dick Cheney. Now, I don’t know much about the job of vice president, but I do know if they can make a documentary about your time as vice president, you vice president-ed incorrectly.”
Kathleen Madigan on Kids
“Kids? It’s like living with homeless people. They’re cute, but they just chase you around all day long going, ‘Can I have a dollar? I’m missing a shoe! I need a ride!’”
Alonzo Bodden on NASCAR
“I didn’t understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a couple of NASCAR fans, and you’ll see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. And I can make fun of NASCAR fans, because if they chase me, I just turn right.”
George Carlin on Perspective
“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”
Mitch Hedberg on Alcoholism
“Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. ‘Damn it, Otto, you’re an alcoholic!’ ‘Damn it, Otto, you have lupus!’ One of those two doesn’t sound right.”
Dana Gould on Life
“It’s easy to go through life putting people down because they’re different from you, but no matter who you are or where you’re from, we all enter this world the same. When we’re born, we’re naked, covered in blood and screaming in terror. And that sort of thing doesn’t have to stop there if you know how to live right.”
