30 of Norm Macdonald’s Best O.J. Simpson Jokes
When Norm Macdonald became the anchor of Weekend Update at the beginning of SNL’s 20th season, his very first joke set the tone for both his entire three-year run in the anchor chair and his eventual dismissal from the show. Talking about O.J. Simpson trial judge Lance Ito, Macdonald’s first joke was, “Yesterday, Simpson trial judge Lance Ito allowed that mystery envelope to be opened, and it appears Simpson may already have won $10 million.”
Of course, many more, much more biting jokes about O.J. followed.
Given that today marks exactly 30 years since the O.J. trial began, here are 30 of Macdonald’s best O.J. jokes from Weekend Update…
“This week in the O.J. Simpson trial, after grisly photos of the murdered Nicole Brown Simpson were shown in court, O.J. turned his head away and wept. It was at that moment that he realized he would never be able to kill her again.”
“On Friday, The Juice officially endorsed Bill Clinton for president, adding, quote, ‘I’d like to help him any way I can.’ To which President Clinton replied, ‘Well, there is one thing.’”
“According to retailers, the most popular Halloween mask this year is O.J. Simpson. And the most popular Halloween greeting is ‘I’ll kill you and that guy who’s bringing over your glasses — or treat.’”
“O.J. Simpson’s lawyers have decided to skip hearings on DNA evidence and go right to trial. Asked why they did this, the lawyers replied, ‘We want to get O.J. acquitted as speedily as possible so he can get back to doing what he does best: killing people!’”
“In his book, O.J. Simpson says he would have taken a bullet or stood in front of a train for Nicole. Man, I’m going to tell you, that is some bad luck when the one guy who would have died for you, kills you.”
“In other book news, Prince Charles released an autobiography in which he states that he never loved Princess Di and that his father pressured him to marry her. The book is entitled Of Course O.J. Did It. I Mean, Come On.”
“And the Pope came out with a book this week which contains a series of essays about faith and morality in today’s secular world and the changing role of the Catholic church as it approaches the 21st century. The book is entitled, God Himself Told Me that O.J. Is Guilty.”
“In honor of the 50th anniversary of their first publication, Random House will be releasing special commemorative issues of many Dr. Seuss classics. The first to hit the bookshelves will be Green Eggs and Ham and O.J. Is Guilty.”
“Judge Ito was interviewed this week by a local TV station in Los Angeles, asked by the interviewer if it was appropriate for a supposedly impartial judge to be on TV with his case still pending. Ito said, ‘Maybe not, but how appropriate is it to kill your ex-wife?’”
“It was revealed today that O.J. Simpson told police that Nicole Brown Simpson used to beat him up. He also claimed that she and Ron Goldman killed him.”
“O.J. Simpson’s lawyers say they don’t want the families of Nicole Brown and Ronald Goldman in the courtroom during the trial. They’re afraid the presence of the family members will just remind O.J. of how much more killing he still has to do.”
“According to the National Transportation Safety Board, sleepy truckers are responsible for 1,000 deaths a year. In second place, O.J. Simpson at two deaths a year.”
“O.J. Simpson’s lawyers stopped feuding this week, finally. The dream team, F. Lee Bailey and Robert Shapiro, were able to put aside their differences and express their admiration for each other after O.J. threatened to cut their heads off.”
“It was revealed this week that defense lawyer Johnnie Cochran once abused his first wife. In his defense, Cochran said, ‘Hey, at least I didn’t kill her like some people I know.’”
“Tomorrow, Judge Lance Ito will take O.J. and the jury on a tour of the now-famous crime scene. For the jury, it will be their first look at the actual location. Of course, for O.J., it will be just a case of ‘Been there, done that.’”
“Judge Lance Ito was happy with the jurors’ field trip to the crime scene last week. ‘It went off without a hitch’ said Ito, ‘Not one murder.’”
“This week, Simpson defense lawyers questioned witnesses about a half-melted container of ice cream found at the murder site. The Simpson defense has seized upon the ice cream for two reasons. One, it may help fix the time of the murders. And two, it was the only thing in the murder scene without any of O.J.’s blood on it.”
“O.J.’s pal Al Cowlings now has a 1-900 number. For $2.99 a minute, Cowlings will tell callers that O.J. is innocent. And for $3.99 a minute, he’ll try to do it without laughing.”
“You can now purchase a bronze statue of The Juice for only $3,395. And for an even five grand, you can buy one that Al Cowlings has kissed the ass of.”
“Was O.J. Simpson high on speed the night of the murders? ‘Absolutely not,’ said defense attorney Johnnie Cochran today. ‘And a simple test of any of O.J.’s blood found at the crime scene will prove it.’”
“F. Lee Bailey said this week that if the defense only knew what Ronald Goldman’s last words were, they might be able to find the real killer. You know, if you ask me, Goldman’s last words were probably, ‘Hey! You’re O.J. Simpson!’”
“In court this week, Kato Kaelin testified that O.J. Simpson did not appear angry before or after the period of his wife’s murder. But, Kaelin admitted that he could have been a touch edgy while he was actually murdering her.”
“This week at the O.J. Simpson trial, the infamous bloody glove was finally introduced into evidence, and O.J. didn’t help his case any by blurting out, ‘There it is, I’ve been looking all over for that thing!’”
“A new shocker in the O.J. Simpson trial. This afternoon, Judge Lance Ito dismissed yet another juror, a 45-year-old African-American male for failing to tell the court that he had once worked for Hertz Rent-a-Car — and, that he had once held Nicole Brown Simpson’s glasses while O.J. killed her.”
“A bad week for the prosecution at the O.J. Simpson trial, under intense cross-examination by defense lawyer Barry Scheck, LAPD crime expert Dennis Fung admitted that he may have contaminated the crime scene when he accidentally dropped a big bucket full of O.J.’s DNA.”
“Dismissed Simpson juror Jeanette Harris revealed in interviews this week that the jury is torn by dissention and is already divided into two camps: those who think he is guilty, and those who are really, really stupid.”
“Testimony during the final week provided some spellbinding moments. In a brilliant move during closing arguments, Simpson attorney Johnnie Cochran put on the knit cap prosecutors say O.J. wore the night he omitted the murders. Although O.J. may have hurt his case when he suddenly blurted out, ‘Hey, hey, easy with that! That’ my lucky stabbin’ hat!’”
“Well, it is finally official, murder is legal in the state of California.”
“On Tuesday at 1:15, the moment the Simpson verdict was delivered, Court TV scored its highest rating ever. An hour later the channel went out of business.”
“When Simpson trial juror Gina Rosborough returned home this week, her little girls were delighted to have her back — and no wonder, she lets them get away with murder.”
