18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, November 8, 2023
Our bodies are gross. Whenever a foreign substance or dirt winds up in them, we’re just making some goo to trap it and expunge it out. Ear wax, mucus, pus, our bodies’ go-to move is to attack it with gunky goo. Do you know what isn’t gross and gooey? These jokes. You should probably read these jokes instead.
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Katt Williams on Cashiers
“I hate when cashiers ask, ‘Is that everything?’ ‘Uh, no, bitch, I’d also like all this invisible shit...’”
Anthony Jeselnik on Motorcycles
“When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said, ‘No.’ See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.”
Demetri Martin on Sliding Glass Doors
“The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.”
Chelsea Peretti on Her Bedroom
“If these walls could talk, they’d be like, ‘Damn bitch, you’re back in bed again?’”
Nick Thune on Cleaning
“Wouldn’t the world be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes?”
Kathleen Madigan on Motherhood
“I’d like to have kids. I get those maternal feelings. Like when I’m lying on the couch, and I can’t reach the remote control. It’s like, ‘Boy, a kid would be nice right now.’”
Zach Galifianakis on His Sister’s Problems
“Three years ago, my sister was diagnosed with multiple personalities. There’s nothing funny about that. But she phoned me the other day, and my caller I.D. exploded.”
Aparna Nancherla on Dating
“I try to pick a bar where if I go missing, people will be like, ‘At least she had a good time before she left.’ At least four stars.”
Joan Rivers on Her Appearance
“I’m definitely going to watch the Emmys this year. My makeup team is nominated for ‘Best Special Effects.’”
Jaboukie Young-White on Uber
“I don’t need a driver’s license; my Uber driver needs a driver’s license.”
Rodney Dangerfield on Abstinence
“When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.”
Nore Davis on College
“The biggest scam I fell for was college. It got me. ’Cause I swear, in high school, I was up $40. I was up! Now I’m down 60 grand. All my friends, ‘Hey Nore, what was your major?’ Bankruptcy, that’s my major.”
Dana Gould on Hitler’s Marriage
“Adolf Hitler, the embodiment of evil, waged war on humanity for six years. Then, in his bunker, wed Eva Braun and, the next morning, blew his brains out. Marriage is hard. World War II: Six years. Marriage: Couldn’t make it to lunch.”
D.L. Hughley on Bungee Jumping
“Black folks never bungee jump. That’s too much like lynching for us: ‘I’m gonna let you tie a rope around me and push me off a bridge? You must be out your damn mind.’”
Todd Glass on His Looks
“I had a girl once tell me I look like John Goodman. I know it upset me because it happened 10 years ago, and I haven’t shut up about it. She said, ‘You look like John Goodman.’ I was like, ‘What?’ and she’s like, ‘No, a young thin John Goodman.’ That doesn’t make me feel any better. It’s like if I said to a girl, ‘You look like a pig. Oh no, not a fat pig! No! A young, thin pig. You know what I mean, like a hot smokin’ pig!’”
Norm Macdonald on Identification
“I.D. is a strange abbreviation. I is short for ‘I,’ and D is short for ‘dentification.’”
George Carlin on American Culture
“I’m the first one to say it’s a great country, but it’s a strange culture. This has got to be the only country in the world that could ever come up with a disease like bulimia. Got to be the only country in the world where some people have no food at all, and other people eat a nourishing meal and puke it up intentionally. This is a country where tobacco kills 400,000 people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners because a rat died. This is a place where gun store owners are given a list of stolen credit cards but not a list of criminals and maniacs. And now they’re thinking about banning toy guns — and they’re going to keep the fucking real ones?!”
Patton Oswalt on Sex in His 50s
“I can still have sex in my 50s. It happens. There’s more work to it, but it happens. In my 20s, sex was thought and action. That was it. In my 50s, my body is like an understaffed McDonald’s during lunch rush, where there’s a manager, like, ‘I dunno how we’re gonna get through this. We’ll get through this. It’s not gonna be our proudest moment, okay? We’re not gonna like each other afterward, but it will happen, all right? We have no fish fillets, corporate didn’t send us any milkshake lids, but we’re gonna fucking get through it. If any of you do meth, do it now. I need you to do it now, all right? We’re going to serve these people. There’s going to be some crying in the parking lot afterward.’”
