18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, November 7, 2023
There has to be a donut dimension in which humans walk around with holes in them, right? Or they were whole once, but in order to procreate, they need to remove a chunk from their center to create a child/donut hole. Best not to think too hard about that and enjoy some jokes to fill up that metaphorical donut hole in your spirit’s center being.
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Christopher Titus on Jokes
“D’you guys hear Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The man who invented the all-meat diet... died a vegetable. That’s a damn good joke. But that joke’s like a Toyota Camry — reliable, not inspiring.”
George Carlin on Freaking People Out
“Go into the photographer’s studio in your neighborhood and ask the man if you can buy the pictures of the other people. Say, ‘How much for that heavy-set couple in the window?’ They will stare at you for a long time on that one. In fact, they might even back up several feet.”
Mitch Hedberg on Ideas
“Do you think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a blacklight popped up over his head?”
Andy Kindler on Key Parties
“My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.”
Patton Oswalt on Super Fit People
“There’s not an ounce of fat on them; you see every rib and rivet. I don’t know what fitness level they’re going for. It’s like they’re trying to reach a fitness level I like to call ‘painful to fuck.’ Like, it looks like it would hurt to fuck them. Like, you’d be so excited. Like, ‘Look at this physical specimen.’ And then, five minutes into it, you’re like, ‘Oh, I’m basically lying naked on a floor covered in LEGOs.’”
Stewart Francis on Xenophobia
“There are two types of people I hate: racists and Norwegians.”
Brian Regan on Einstein
“They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it’s an insult? ‘You don’t know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein.’ I don’t think we’re honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in parking lots.”
Rodney Dangerfield on Threesomes
“I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep, they will have someone to talk to.”
Maria Bamford on Office Life
“I used to work as a secretary, and I miss office life. ‘Where do you wanna go for lunch? What do you want to get for lunch? Where do you wanna go for lunch?’ I feel like a sandwich or something. ‘Ah-haaaaaa…’ Or like a salad. ‘Ohhhhh…’ You know, someplace where I can get a Diet Coke. ‘...WE COULD GO TO QUIZNOS!’”
Tim Vine Clears the Air
“So this bloke said to me, ‘As a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?’ I said, ‘Let me make one thing absolutely clear. My mother was never a young boy.’”
Adam Sandler on Books
“I finished a big book the other day — 421 pages. That’s a lot of coloring when you think about it.”
Jack Whitehall on Anti-Bullying
“I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought,’ I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.”
Dana Gould on His Conception
“I was born on August 24, 1964, exactly nine months and two days after the Kennedy assassination, which tells you all you need to know about how my father processes grief. And now, when I watch the footage, I have very mixed emotions because I realize if he misses, I wouldn’t be here. ‘Hurry up, hurry up! He’s almost to the underpass, SHOOT!’”
Jim Gaffigan on Babies
“We have a one-year-old at home who, for the first year of his life, has slept a total of one minute. But it’s worth it, their screamings, their smells, you don’t sleep. I was out of town and drove by a skunk and was like, ‘I miss my baby.’”
Zach Galifianakis on Diarrhea
“I don’t mean to be gross, but the only time it’s good to yell ‘I have diarrhea’ is when you’re playing Scrabble because it’s worth a shitload of points.”
Kristen Schaal on Turkeys
“Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.”
Demetri Martin on Escalators
“One time, I was riding the escalator, and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.”
Bernie Mac on Raising Kids
“I would like to give these kids a good home. In fact, there’s one a few miles away from here...”
