18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, November 6, 2023
If robots had sex, would they make pleasure noises? If so, would that be instinctual or a programmed/learned behavior? It makes you wonder if the sex noises you make are natural or a learned behavior from watching porn. Anyway, you probably shouldn’t think about that too much. Instead, you should enjoy these jokes and not worry about if you had an original choice in anything…
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Bill Hicks on Crosses
“Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?”
George Carlin on Wishing Wells
“Next time you’re at a wishing well, ask to see the manager. Tell him you’ve been coming there for 10 years, and none of your wishes have come true — ‘Either you give me my money back, or I’m shitting in the well.’”
Demetri Martin on Patience
“I need to develop some patience — immediately.”
Zach Galifianakis on Drinking
“You know you’re an alcoholic when the bartender knows your name — and you’ve never been to that bar before.”
Rodney Dangerfield Misreading the Situation
“With girls, I don’t think right. I had a date with one girl; she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.”
Tiffany Haddish on Bullying
“This bitch Keyosha found out I was in the system. She didn’t want to let me play. Coming up to play tetherball, she was like, ‘Uh-uh, Tiffany. Only people with mamas and daddies can play.’ Bitch, we don’t even know if that’s your real daddy. How you gonna do me? Just ’cause you 15 and in the sixth grade don’t mean you get to run the playground, Keyosha! She wouldn’t let me play, though. Three weeks of her bullying me, three weeks of her telling me I can’t play, three weeks of her punkin’ me, and I couldn’t take it no more. I fuckin’ lost it. I needed to play tetherball…”
Todd Glass on Designated Driving
“I don’t think designated drivers are that good of an idea. What does the person, instead of drinking liquor, end up drinking all night? Coca-Cola and coffee loaded with caffeine. Then they get pulled over by the police, (shakes uncontrollably) ‘Ooooh, I’mmmm the designnnateddddd drrrrriverrrr!’”
Artie Lange on Swimming
“I’ve never been swimming, and that’s because it’s never been more than half an hour since I last ate.”
Dana Gould on Hell
“What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?”
Lavell Crawford on Being Overweight
“They always ask you dumb questions: ‘Do you wanna be fat?’ ‘Oh yes, yes, I do. I wanna sweat for no reason.’ Every time I breathe, they like, ‘Why you breathing so hard?’ ‘So I can live.’”
Natasha Leggero on Babies
“I can see getting pregnant, but following through with it? My friends who have babies can’t do anything. You can’t go out at night. Having a baby is like getting a DUI from the universe.”
Patton Oswalt on Pitching the Concept of Circuses
“‘We’re gonna put up a tent on the outskirts of town, and we’re gonna fill it with depressed animals walking slowly. Did I say walking? I meant trudging. Trudging counterclockwise in an oval. And while they do it, we’re going to play creepy Calliope music over them — their spirits broken, no connection to the wild.’”
Aziz Ansari on Marrying Box Turtles
“This is my favorite argument against gay marriage. It’s from Senator John Cornyn of Texas. He goes, ‘Now, if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn’t affect your everyday life. But that doesn’t mean it’s right.’ It’s pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle. That’s not the first animal you jump to when you’re writing that analogy.”
Jaboukie Young-White on His Race
“I’ve noticed my race just changes from city to city. When I’m in Chicago, people think I’m half-black, half-white. When I’m in New York, people think that I’m Puerto Rican. When I’m in CVS, people think I’m stealing.”
Nate Bargatze on Adult Remedial Classes
“I took reading (class) as well. I drove to that class. You know what that feels like? I’ve driven to a reading class. I’m not even an immigrant; I’m from here. I should have knocked that out years ago.”
Bill Bailey on Jokes
“Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!”
Bill Burr on God
“God’s everywhere, but I gotta go down (to church) to see him? Really? And he’s mad at me down there, and I owe you money?”
Wendy Liebman on Dates
“I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.”
