22 Stand-Up Jokes That Are Totally Worth the Two-Drink Minimum

And please tip your wait staff
22 Stand-Up Jokes That Are Totally Worth the Two-Drink Minimum
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Ya know, we always hear the comedians telling the audience to tip the wait staff, but they never tell them to tip the pre-list blurb writing staff. What are we, chopped liver? Okay, so we don’t do important work like bringing alcoholic beverages to the people, but we do provide (what we think is) a fun little lead-in to a sweet list of jokes! 

And much like these drink slingers, after this list, we’ll expect a tip whether we’ve done a good job or not.

George Carlin

There are some things you don't want to hear. You don't want to come home from work and hear, Honey, remember how we told the children never to play on the railroad tracks?

Norm Macdonald

Norm's Family I once walked in on my parents having sex. It was the most embarrassing thirty minutes of my life.

Katt Williams

wasn't scared of sh**. If you don't think he ain't gangsta, go to your neighbor's house and jump on their rottweilers and see how that works out for you.

Richard Pryor

I had to stop drinking though 'cause I got tired of waking up in my car, driving 90.

John Fugelsang

Comedians on depression Depression is the soul's way of telling you to change something in your life, NOT to cut your own bangs. -John Fugelsang CRACKED.COM

Sarah Silverman

Sarah Silverman on Nutrition Someone told me that carrots are good for your eyes. What they failed to tell me is that you have to take them orally.

Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld on Public Speaking I saw a study that said that speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death! Death is number two? This means to the average person that if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik on 'Super Mario Bros.' I just read the biography of the guy who invented Super Mario Bros. Did you know that when he was a kid, people used to laugh at him when he would kill turtles with a hammer?

Dusty Slay

Dusty Slay on Trailer Parks I grew up in a trailer park in Alabama. We had a pretty good time, but I'm not sure why they called it a 'park.' There weren't no rides in there.

Nikki Glaser

Nikki Glaser on Being a Late Bloomer I'm bad at sex. That's what I've concluded. It's fine; I'm okay with it because I got a late start. I'm learning. I didn't have sex until I was 21 because I was saving myself for Jesus, which luckily was my gardener's name. So that worked out. Yeah, I found a loophole in my dad's rule.

Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield on Bartenders I was tired one night, and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, 'What'll you have?' I said, 'Surprise me.' Не showed me a naked picture of my wife.

D.L. Hughley

D.L. Hughley on Self- Paranoia Did you ever have the police follow you for so long that you get suspicious about your own goddamn self? 'Maybe I did kill them people.

Garry Shandling

Garry Shandling on His Penis I went to my doctor and told him, 'My penis is burning.' Не said, 'That means somebody is talking about it.

Taylor Tomlinson

Taylor Tomlinson on Marriage I'm not saying I don't want to get married. I do; I just know I'm not ready yet. Sometimes, I think I'm ready; I see the posts, and I feel the emptiness, and I want to get married. But then I eat bread, and I feel so much better.

Tig Notaro

Tig Notaro on Politics I'm not the most politically active person, but I'm trying to get better about that. What I've been doing is just showing up to any given rally and marching with a sign that just says, 'Yeah, totally.' You have to start somewhere. Just gotta ease in.

Norm Macdonald (Again)

Norm Macdonald on Quitting Smoking I went to a hypnotist. Не put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.

Wanda Sykes

Wanda Sykes on Free Drinks Guys don't buy you free drinks like they used to. Remember the good old days? You'd go to your local bar, and the bartender would come over and say, 'Excuse me, ma'am, the gentleman way over there in the corner, he would like to buy you a drink.' You would say, 'Okay, thank you. Beautiful,' you would get your drink, and then the greatest thing of all: Не would keep his ass way over there in the corner and leave you the hell alone.

Dana Gould

Dana Gould on How Birth Connects Us All It's easy to go through life putting people down because they're different from you, but no matter who you are or where you're from, we all enter the world the same way: When we're born, we're naked, covered in blood and screaming in terror. And that sort of thing doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right.

Aisha Tyler

Aisha Tyler on Meat If God didn't want us to eat meat, he would have made cows run faster. Anything you can hunt by tiptoeing up to it and hitting in the head with a rock deserves to be dinner.

Eugene Mirman

Eugene Mirman on Parenthood I don't have a kid. I think that I would be a good father-especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

Steven Wright

Steven Wright on His Dog I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

Richard Lewis

Richard Lewis on Therapy I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

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