20 of the Funniest Jokes from ‘Zach Galifianakis: Live at the Purple Onion’

‘Sometimes I have a speech impediment. Which is a hard word to say if you have one’
20 of the Funniest Jokes from ‘Zach Galifianakis: Live at the Purple Onion’
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Sadly, most people's knowledge of Zach Galifianakis is beholden to the Hangover movies. But long before he landed that breakout role, he was a stand-up comedian with a movie role here and there, like in the underrated snowboarding comedy Out Cold. Equally underrated is his comedy special, Live at the Purple Onion. 

Take these highlighted jokes as an invitation to dig a little deeper into his back catalog.

My name is Zach Galifianakis. I hope I'm pronouncing that right.
Growing up, my dad was like, Zach, you have a great last name. Begins with a gal, and ends with a kiss. I'm like, That's great, Dad. Can we get it changed to 'Galifiana-f**k, please?
When you look like / do, It's hard to get a table for one at Chuck Е. Cheese
My grandma treats me like a rockstar, I guess that's why she lets me sign her tits. It takes forever. Because I use a pencil.
Sometimes I have a speech impediment. Which is a hard word to say if you have one.
Have you seen that show on Lifetime, about that woman?
For 5 years now, I've been addicted to cold turkey. I would tell people I'm quitting cold turkey. They'd say, What are you quitting? And I'd say, f**king cold turkey.
/ was at Arby's the other day, and I was thinking to myself, Oh, s**t, I should take someone's order.
SHURS SM58 Getting fatter really sucks, because I'm extremely claustrophobic.
Great shirt selection for the DVD. / look like a third grader who swallowed a penguin.
This first character is called, the pretentious illiterate. Um, I told you--I don't know how to read.
This next character is called, the timid pimp. H-Ні, Amber? H-Hi, it's Mark. Yeah, / can hold.
Growing up, I was the only straight guy in an all-gay high school. And the kids would taunt me, and yell out things like, Hey, Zach, where are you going? To get some р***у?
The only good time to yell out, I have diarrhea! Is when you're playing Scrabble.
At what age... do you tell a highway it was adopted?
My girlfriend looks a little bit like Charlize Theron, And a lot like Patrick Ewing
I think that sign in neighborhoods, Slow, Children Playing is so mean.
/ went to my high school reunion not too long ago, and well, I was homeschooled. So it was just me, next to a bowl of punch, listening to Kool and the Gang. And I couldn't believe how fat I'd gotten.
WHEN I WAS CHILD- I HAD DYSLEXIA I WOULD WRITE ABOUT IT IN MY DAIRY
KIDS WOULD PULL MY PANTS DOWN ON THE SCHOOL Bus ONCE THE BUSDRIVER DID IT

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