35 of the Funniest Tweets from Tuesday, July 29, 2025

‘Heavy is the crab that ran the goon’
35 of the Funniest Tweets from Tuesday, July 29, 2025

Despite Steve Martin’s self-anointed reputation as a “Wild and Crazy Guy,” joking about his dick in front of 100 million people would’ve been too wild and crazy. 

During a recent stint on the Still Here Hollywood podcast, legendary award show writer Bruce Vilanch revealed the one-liner that Martin cut from his first Academy Awards hosting gig. “I have good news and bad news,” the joke began, per Vilanch. “The bad news is my fly was open throughout the monologue. The good news is the camera puts on 10 pounds.”

Even after leaving the writers’ room in stitches and getting the thumbs up from TV’s notoriously strict censors, Martin still wasn’t sold on the gag, and cut it from the script moments before hitting the stage. 

Meanwhile, Keith David is sold on his starring role in President Curtis. In an exclusive conversation with Cracked, David explained that the upcoming Rick and Morty spin-off, which was announced over the weekend at San Diego Comic-Con, will stray from the Adult Swim staple’s sci-fi themes. “It doesn’t get into so much of the outer space stuff that Rick and Morty explore. We get to explore more spaces that are within our purview — I mean, from the Oval Office. Like, we’re dealing with former presidents and going back to some of their stuff. So it’s more grounded in that sense.”

Time will reveal what the expanded Rick and Morty universe entails, but we can laugh at these hilarious tweets right now, the funniest of which include those about the Post Office stare, applause-worthy lunches and the truth behind Mike’s Hard Lemonade. 

matt 18 ... @reincheisyuri screen time on your computer feels like healthy screen time screen time on your phone feels like evil screen time 7:36 PM . Jul 28, 2025 . 1.2M Views 92 15K 131K 2.7K
John Wicker Park @phonybone 18h ... Told these people at an LA party I was from iowa and they treated me like I was from the 1910's Christopher @molochofficial . Jul 27 You tell someone in California that you're from Rhode Island and they're like WOW that's soo crazy 83 810 35K 1.4M
Images Al Could Never R... @imagesaico... 23h G ... It's not that serious browling I MAY SEEM RESERVED QUIET AND BUT IF YOU MESS WITH ME WHILE I'M BOWLING A I WILL LEVEL BREAK OF OUT CRAZY THAT WILL MAKE YOUR NIGHTMARES SEEM LIKE A HAPPY PLACE 30 256 3.1K 157K
pris @pwiscila 13h You'll be my Canadian boy, Canadian boy 49 1K 9K del 212K
V HOURLY L quieres @hourty_shitpost.23h G ... shitpost Guys... guys CRUISECANADA com Goall National Pack Allena 46 4.9K 114K 856K
banx @bankolewya 20h ... Not the tear drops bro felt betrayed lumi @ilylumii Jul 25 ate my lil brothers fruit snacks and came home and found this BEN 10 HOW could YO C C N CARTOON NETWORK. TM&C 2006 Cartoon Network 84 6K 108K del 2.5M
ranger @djrangertrucco . 20h ... my card declined at the bar this weekend while no broke boys was playing in the background 29 231 7K 196K
The Random Recruiter s ... @randomrecruiter . 17h A recruiter - with 0 years of experience in the field and a generic liberal arts degree - rejecting your resume because it didn't have the optimized amount of buzzwords 307 3.7K 70K del 2.7M
sensory homunculette @myfriendcallie 21h G ... My hip to waist ratio Curiosity @MAstronomers Jul 26 Aliens have given you 60 seconds to show them two items to prove humanity is worth saving. What do you show them? 6 526 6K 278K
Will Sloan @WillSloanEsq 19h ... Trump lost his best friend to suicide and now y'all wanna re- traumatize him by bringing it up constantly?? 128 2.8K 53K 1.4M
Dimes Square Degenerate (Fry... @EBITDA... 19h ... Nothing like a salad after a weekend of abusing cocaine 21 955 14K del 664K
@GeebMinister 17h Faggot Jackass Referring to normal shoes as non-bowling shoes 18 1.5K 36K 985K
0 ... wooden will write again @woodenpicador. 23h Parker Posey has a wario???? PN PinkNews @PinkNews Jul 25 Anti-trans activist Posie Parker's attack on Pedro Pascal backfires: 'Maybe you're the weirdo' bit.ly/4fg6wy0 PinkNews RODE WINELESS Anti-trans activist Posie Parker's attack on Pedro Pascal you're backfires: weirdo 'Maybe 47 847 21K 889K
SHiRTS shirts that go hard @shirtsthtgohard . 19h G ... THAT GO HARD I got Phingered at the Phillies game 146 1K 28K del 2.3M
smalls @StephieSmallls 22h ... me when i got my period New York Giants @Giants 23h ny NFL FIRST DAY OF PADS 64 3.1K 44K 1.5M
r ven black @girlgeta 15h ... y'all got white people dressed like Fat Joe in ireland? Gearóid Murphy @gearoidmurphy_ Jul 28 Billie Eilish celebrates return to Irish homeland. It's really cool to come somewhere and everyone looks exactly like you. Billie speaking about Ireland 0:00 78 2.7K 32K del 1.2M
horse dentist @equine_dentist • 1 14h O ... A Costco Hotdog is a beautiful name for a cat Meet A Costco Hotdog Animal ID: 48448589 Species: Cat Breed: Domestic Shorthair / Mix 44 2.4K 35K 1M
Redd IRIS @ReddCinema 17h G ... I can't believe camouflage actually fooled me I feel like a big fucking stupid moose banx @bankolewya 17h my brain refuses to believe there are four ppl in this picture LARCEN LARGENY 83 5.4K 96K del 2.6M
i like food @messedupfoods . 16h G ... So true Heavy is the crab that ran the goon 40 3.4K 37K del 1.2M
poppa @popitforpoppa. 11h ... i gotta start saving numbers because this is not the girl i i wanted to come over 41 241 3.8K 130K
isabel @wisepissmage 22h O ... Had to go with the classic lunch today. Was so excited about this I couldn't sleep last night. Whole break room clapped when I brought it out 2000 57 1.7K 53K del 738K
Neet @neet_sol . 21h O ... ASSOCIATION Monday. 11:56 AM. Unemployed. 342 2.6K 46K 975K
no context memes @weirddalle . 5h G ... omw to an unskippable cutscene (work) 39 1K 8.9K del 314K
@dreamskyrivera .21h G ... sky III ea michele can't read 48 2.1K 20K del 362K
Dan Nouement @nomanautomata 15h ... I just thought of the phrase арех redditor: now to wait three years to use it naturally in a conversation 31 732 17K 193K
victor @ahm_victor.23h ... post office employees when you ask them to do anything 95 917 22K del 790K
j@fkajack 13h O ... hooked up with a 22 year old who didn't know what tumblr was and when i explained it he said it must have been before his time II GIF 14 193 11K 149K
Adam Aaronson @aaaronson 17h O ... Rolled the dice and got RICK:/ luna @imylunaa.19h C H I R S K 104 1.3K 40K 924K
Hegel Slimane @dialectika. 23h ... Kar Marx 15 3.2K 18K del 375K
horse dentist @equine_dentist + 11h ... elle @georgenjoyer the fact that Mike had to experience getting hard in order to Make lemonade... i cant move 10:57 AM 5/21/21 Twitter for iPhone 9 614 9.3K del 176K
erika @yeeeerika . 21h ... if we were subway rats i'd share my pizza crust with you 34 2.3K 17K 509K
michael @FilledwithUrine. 11h ... feels so good to ignore the do you hate me text for 10-15 minutes 35 1K 16K 271K
G ... pamela. @tisthepamseason Jul 28 weather looks nice but gets kinda weird towards the end of the week 10-DAY FORECAST Today 68° 91° Tue 69° 93° Wed 70° 92° Thu 69° 81° 70% Fri 64° 70° Salty air may cause rust on your door. Conditions are expected to last through August. 11 2.7K 25K 446K
em* @luvcraves 13h ... u ever think about a girl so much it feels like she's spinning in ur head like a tv dinner in the microwave 41 1.9K 11K 235K
no context memes @weirddalle - 6h G ... I'm the IT daddy 9:05 PM Mmmm yes help me reset my password daddy 9:10 PM Safe word must contain 8 characters and one special character 34 466 6.7K del 307K

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