40 of the Most Devastating Burns, Roasts and Comebacks You’ll Ever Read, You Human Equivalent of Stepping on Toast Crumbs With Bare Feet

Need some inspiration for a verbal takedown? You’re in the right place
40 of the Most Devastating Burns, Roasts and Comebacks You’ll Ever Read, You Human Equivalent of Stepping on Toast Crumbs With Bare Feet

Normally, the Cracked editors give us topics to write about, but we came up with this one ourselves. We feel like they need to be taken down a peg or two, but since we’re too cowardly to say anything directly to them, we’ve compiled a list of smack-downs that we can only dream of laying on them. 

Aw, man. We just realized that they probably won’t approve this. Better just make it live before they get a chance to read it!

Will & Grace

CRACKED KAREN WAS A TAD UPSET ABOUT HER BIRTHDAY INVITATIONS. WILL & GRACE I think the real mistake was when your father spotted your mother across a crowded swamp, dragged her back to his hut, and made you.

Parks and Recreation

CRACKED WE COULD DO AN ENTIRE LIST OF APRIL'S JERRY BURNS. PARKS & REC Can you photoshop your life with better decisions, Jerry?

30 Rock

CRACKED JACK'S NEW ENGLAND ROOTS HELP THIS BURN. 30 ROCK You do have the wind-battered face of a New England cod fisherman, if that's what you're asking.

The Office

CRACKED MICHAEL SCOTT PUTS TOBY ON BLAST (THEN BLAST AGAIN). THE OFFICE If I had a gun with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.

Community

CRACKED WHEN TROY SAID BRITTA WAS ALL THE BAD THINGS. COMMUNITY You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman.

Bob’s Burgers

CRACKED LOUISE ROASTS (ACTUALLY, BAKES) JESSICA. BOB'S BURGERS Bland, boring Jessica. If she was a spice, she'd be flour. If she was a book, she'd be two books.

Absolutely Fabulous

CRACKED EDWINA HASN'T WARMED UP TO SAFFY. ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS She's so cold, I bet she has her periods in cubes.

Scottie Pippen

BASKETBALL Scottie Pippen CRACKED.COM As Karl The Mailman Malone went to the line for a crucial late-game free throw one Sunday, Pippen told him: Just remember, the mailman doesn't deliver on Sundays, Karl. Malone missed both tosses, and the Bulls won.

Mike Ditka

FOOTBALL Mike Ditka CRACKED.COM The legendary coach never tried to hide his disdain for reporters: What's the difference between a 3-week-old puppy and a sportswriter? In six weeks, the puppy stops whining.

Charles Barkley

BASKETBALL Charles Barkley CRACKED.COM Barkley was on trial in 1997, because apparently it's a crime to throw a guy out the window of a nightclub. When the judge asked him if he had any regrets, he belligerently answered: I regret we weren't on a higher floor.

Destiny’s Child

Destiny's Child's Survivor isn't so much about women's empowerment as much as it's about dissing ex-bandmates. You thought I wouldn't sell LeToya Luckett and LaTavia Roberson, without you, who left the group sold 9 million. before the hit, sued over the lyrics: CRACKED.COM

Jay-Z

IN KANYE WEST'S So APPALLED, GUEST JAY-Z RAPS IN HIS VERSE, Hammer went broke so you know I'm more focused ... unlike Hammer 30 million can't hurt me ... A reference to MC Hammer's career and money woes. Hammer caught on and released a video suggesting Hov was in cahoots with Satan, ya know, because that's sane. CRACKED.COM

Muhammad Ali

Muhammad Ali CRACKED.COM Ali called Howard Cosell impotent in a way subtle enough that papers could print it: You're always talking about, 'Muhammad, you're not the same man you were 10 years ago.' Well, I talked to your wife, and she told me you're not the same man you was two years ago!

Futurama

40 of the Most Devastating Burns, Roasts and Comebacks You’ll Ever Read, You Human Equivalent of Stepping on Toast Crumbs With Bare Feet

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

Which of these buttons calls your parents to pick you up? - Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog talking to a man in a Darth Vader suit at the premiere of Star Wars: Attack of the Clones. CRACKED.COM

Molly Ivins

CRACKED.COM I have been attacked by Rush Limbaugh on the air, an experience somewhat akin to being gummed by a newt. It doesn't actually hurt, but it leaves you with slimy stuff on your ankle. - Molly Ivins

Roger Ebert

This movie doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels. Rogert Ebert, reviewing Tom Green's CRACKED.COM Freddy Got Fingered

WWE

I'd love to slap you across your face, but it looks like God already beat me to it. WWE wrestler Tazz insulting legendary commentator Jim ROSS. CRACKED.COM

Jeff Ross

You are the king Joffrey of pop. -Jeff Ross, Comedy Central Justin Bieber Roast GRACKED.COM

Vladimir Nabokov

As to Hemingway, I read him for the first time in the early forties, something about bells, balls, and bulls, and loathed it. ~ Vladimir Vladimirovich Nabokov CRACKED.COM

Conan O’Brien

On an episode of Conan, Chelsea Handler made fun of Andy Richter's weight by asking him if he floats in the ocean. HIS RESPONSE WAS MAGICAL. Sure! What; do you sink? Might be that cast iron heart. CRACKED.COM

William Shakespeare

CRACKED COM Thou art a boil, a plague-sore, an embossed carbuncle, in my corrupted blood. William Shakespeare, King Lear, to his daughter Regan

Nathaniel Hawthorne

Bulwer nauseates me; he is the very pimple of the age's humbug. There is no hope of the public, so long as he retains an admirer, a reader, or a publisher. - Nathaniel Hawthorne on Edward Bulwer-Lytton GRACKED.COM

Jimmy Carr

CRACKED.COM Heckler: 'My mum died of cancer.' Jimmy Carr: 'What?' Heckler: 'I only mentioned it because it was funnier than this.'

House of Cards

40 of the Most Devastating Burns, Roasts and Comebacks You’ll Ever Read, You Human Equivalent of Stepping on Toast Crumbs With Bare Feet

Sean Lock

CRACKED.COM After proclaiming their intent of going to university. the Irish pop stars, Jedward, got verbally buried by comedian Sean Lock. I think your best chance F at getting into university, is as an exhibit in a jar.

Denis Healy

THAT PART OF HIS SPEECH WAS RATHER LIKE BEING SAVAGED BY A DEAD SHEEP. DENIS HEALY, BRITISH LABOUR PARTY POLITICIAN, IN RESPONSE TO GEOFFREY HOWE'S VERBAL ATTACK DURING A DEBATE. CRACKED.COM

Truman Capote

CRACKED.COM They're not writers; they're typists. Sweaty typists blacking up pounds of bond paper with formless, eyeless, earless messages. -Truman Capote on Colin Wilson and others

Jeff Ross

Comedy Central Roast of David Hasselhoff. O The only difference between Hasselhoff and Hitler, at least Hitler knew when his career was over. UEFF ROSS- CRACKED.COM

Stephen Hawking

40 of the Most Devastating Burns, Roasts and Comebacks You’ll Ever Read, You Human Equivalent of Stepping on Toast Crumbs With Bare Feet

Homeland

Graffiti artists were asked to decorate the Homeland set. الوطن كافكا so they wrote Homeland is racist. Producers of the series, which is notorious for its unflattering depiction of non-white characters, wanted to film scenes that took place in Syria. So they asked set decorators to add Arabic graffiti for authenticity. The artists obliged by writing a number of messages critical of the series on the walls. Nobody noticed until the episode aired. http://www.notey.com/@theintercept_ unofficial/extemal/7234826/interview-with-heba-yehia- CRACKED.COM amin-caram-kapp-and-don-karl-of-%E2%80%9Bhomeland-is-not-a-senes%E2%80%99.html

Willow

The hero in Willow must defeat a two- headed dragon. It's named after Siskel and Ebert. Willow is a George Lucas film, and Lucas decided the two-headed monster was the perfect chance for him to get back at film critics Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert. Apparently, they had been less than complimentary about his body of work. So he named the dragon Eborsisk, which is a near-portmanteau of their names. CRACKED.COM https://monsterlegacy.net/2013/03/04/eborsisk-monster-willow/

Dolores Umbridge

Dolores Umbridge is a sadistic Harry Potter character. She's a parody of a real person. The character is based on a real teacher that J.K. Rowling didn't get along with. She says that the teacher's style reminded her of a three-year-old, and that the dislike was mutual. So she immortalized her as one of the most hated characters in her book series. http://www.stylist.co.uk/books/j-k-rowling-reveals-the-real-life-inspiration- CRACKED.COM behind-professor-dolores-umbridge-in-new-harry-potter-story-halloween

The Dead Pool

In The Dead Pool, Molly Fisher is brutally killed. She's a shout-out to a film critic. Critic Pauline Kael called Dirty Harry fascist, pro-violence, pro-gun, conservative nuttery garbage. So in the Dirty Harry sequel The Dead Pool, producers based a character on her, and then had that character get brutally stabbed to death. That'll show her who's pro-violence! CRACKED.COM https://www.newsreview.com/sacramento/critics-camed/content?oid=1314065

Frank Zappa

The song Valley Girl perfectly captured '80s slang. That Slang was made up on the Spot as an insult. The spoken parts of the song were improvised by Frank Zappa's daughter Moon, who strung nonsense together to make fun of people at her school that she didn't like. Her made-up slang caught on across the country. CRACKED.COM https://youtubetus44MH3Uts

Nickelodeon

Invader Zim had a test subject named Nick. KITCHEN Nick was short for Nickelodeon. Creator Jhonen Vasquez wanted Invader Zim to be very dark. Nickelodeon didn't agree. Vasquez expressed his frustration by creating Nick, whose happiness implant made him cheerful at all costs. That's how he saw the network-happy and upbeat no matter what, as if the critical thinking part of their brains had been hijacked. CRACKED.COM http://zim. .wikia.com/wik/Nick

Harry Potter

Gilderoy Lockhart is a foppish moron. He was written to make fun of a real person. Lockhart is based on a man J.K. Rowling knew and despised, who was constantly bragging about things that almost certainly never happened. But don't worry, she says. Не will never in a million years dream that he is Gilderoy Lockhart. CRACKED.COM http://www.accio-quote.org/articles/2004/0804-ebf.htm

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