12 80-Year-Olds Who Just Voted on the Future of America and Their Plans for the Rest of the Day
Despite having, mathematically, the least to lose or gain from the future of our country, man do elderly people like voting. So much so that they make up an absolutely bonkers segment of the votes every presidential election.
Here are 12 bags of bones who just decided if we’re going to live in a bombed-out landscape, trading water for goods and services, long after they’ve kicked the bucket…
Basil
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“Well, my stove is acting up, so I’m going to call my internet provider and ask them to fix it."
Eileen
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“I don’t have much on my schedule, so I think I might put my glasses down somewhere, forget them and spend the rest of the day running my hands over the furniture.”
Roger
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“I’m going to put on about six pounds of activewear to go walk up and down the steps outside the library.”
Lorraine
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“I’m going to bake some chocolate-chip cookies, feed one to my dog and take her to the emergency room.”
Gilbert
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“I’m gonna stand in front of the locker room hand dryer at this gym and just blast my nude genitals until I get a second-degree burn.”
Ernest
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“There’s a new episode of Blue Bloods on CBS! What are you doing!”
Patricia
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“I’m biking to the police station to report a pit bull I saw on my block.”
Prudence
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“I’m headed back to Trader Joe’s to return some groceries I didn’t use.”
Maurice
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“Just gonna sit for a while.”
Norman
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“I set today aside to grunt in the bathroom and squeeze out three to four drops of urine."
Murray
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“I’ve got to get home to my birds. They’ve been screaming more than usual.”
Lou & Eudora
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“We’re going to cut up lines of Viagra on the bedside table and make mincemeat of each other until Lou’s pacemaker starts beeping.”
